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  #226 (permalink)  
Old 03-15-2008, 08:00 AM
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That's brilliant!

Here's one...

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoebox and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "My grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was never to argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "That explains the dolls, but what about all of this money. Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."

A Prayer.......

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods;
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death, because I don't know how to crochet.

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  #227 (permalink)  
Old 03-16-2008, 11:16 AM
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Baby Kittens

Hillary is taking a stroll when she comes upon a little girl carrying a basket with a blanket over it. Curious. HIllary asks the girl, 'What's in the basket?'

She replies, 'New baby kittens,' and she opens the basket to show her.

'How nice,' says Hillary. 'What kind are they?' The little girl says, 'Democrats.'

Hillary smiles, pats the little girl on the head and continues on.

Three weeks later, Hillary is taking another stroll, this time with Bill.
They see the little girl again with the same basket. Hillary says, 'Watch this, Bill; it's really cute.' They approach the little girl.

Hillary greets the little girl and asks how the kittens are doing, and she says, 'Fine.'
Then, smirking, she nudges Bill with her elbow and asks the little girl, 'And can you tell us what kind of kittens they are?' She replies, 'Republicans'

Abashed, Hillary says, 'But three weeks ago you said they were Democrats!'

'I know,' she says. 'But now their eyes are open
__________________
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  #228 (permalink)  
Old 03-16-2008, 01:51 PM
70 ElCam's Avatar
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[QUOTE]
Originally Posted by Bad Rat
This procedure also works in Tennessee ,
Kentucky , Arkansas , Texas ,
Louisiana , Georgia , Mississippi, Florida ,
West Virginia and Washington D.C [QUOTE]

What's the matter Rat, you have second thoughts on this post?
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  #229 (permalink)  
Old 03-16-2008, 01:53 PM
70 ElCam's Avatar
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Job~Rated
That's brilliant!

Here's one...

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoebox and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "My grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was never to argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "That explains the dolls, but what about all of this money. Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."

A Prayer.......

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods;
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death, because I don't know how to crochet.

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  #230 (permalink)  
Old 03-18-2008, 12:00 PM
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re:daily funny again

there's a lawyer riding down a country road in his limo,when he sees 2 men beside the road on their hands & knees eating grass. He orders his driver to stop,and then rolls down his window and asks them what are they doing? One man replies;I can't afford to feed my family,so they get what food I can afford & I eat grass.The atty says get in,I'll feed you.But I have a wife & 2 children,go get them too. He says to the second man;go ahead hop in.Okay,but I have a wife & 6 children,that's all right,go get them too.As they're riding along in the now very crowded limo,the one man says to the lawyer;I can't thank you enough for this. To which the atty replied;that's all right,the grass at my place is almost a foot high.
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  #231 (permalink)  
Old 03-19-2008, 01:50 AM
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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said,

"Here's to spending the rest of me life,


between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the


best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary,

"I won the prize for the Best toast of the night".

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?


John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,

sitting in church beside me wife."


"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies

on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize last night

at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."


She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's


only been there twice in the last four years.... Once he fell asleep, and


the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
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  #232 (permalink)  
Old 03-19-2008, 07:17 AM
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A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'

The woman said, 'That's okay.'

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'. The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.'

So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful Woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.'

The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'



Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.


Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.


Male readers :
Please scroll down.














The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.



Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen...now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love.
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  #233 (permalink)  
Old 03-19-2008, 01:17 PM
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A lady walks into a very upscale jewelry shop. She
browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and
walks over to inspect it. Bending over to get a
closer look, she accidently passes gas.

Extremely embarrassed, she freezes for a few moments
and then slowly straightens up and turns around to see
whether anyone has noticed her little accident. Her
worst fears are confirmed in the form of a salesman
standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber, the salesman greets the lady with
a very professional, "Good day, Madam. How may we help
you today?"

Hoping against hope that he may just not have been
there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks,
"Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet? "

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it,
you're going to crap when I tell you the price."
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  #234 (permalink)  
Old 03-19-2008, 01:46 PM
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re:lady

Quote:
Originally Posted by malc
A lady walks into a very upscale jewelry shop. She
browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and
walks over to inspect it. Bending over to get a
closer look, she accidently passes gas.

Extremely embarrassed, she freezes for a few moments
and then slowly straightens up and turns around to see
whether anyone has noticed her little accident. Her
worst fears are confirmed in the form of a salesman
standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber, the salesman greets the lady with
a very professional, "Good day, Madam. How may we help
you today?"

Hoping against hope that he may just not have been
there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks,
"Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet? "

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it,
you're going to crap when I tell you the price."
ooh yeah!!! just remember;it's better to fart and bear the shame,than not to fart and bear the pain!!
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  #235 (permalink)  
Old 03-19-2008, 06:32 PM
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Cinderella is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?
The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said,
"Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"
The fairy godmother replied,
"It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
"I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had"
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
"You have one more wish; what shall it be?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said,
"Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments,
Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
"Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off"
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  #236 (permalink)  
Old 03-20-2008, 08:54 AM
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A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into
the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her
jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her
screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says:
"Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my
whole life."

"Why, it was nothing," said the biker, "Really, the lion was behind bars.
I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."

"I noticed a patch on your jacket," said the journalist.

"Yeah I ride with a Christian motorcycle club," the biker replies.

"Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you
know, and tomorrow papers will have this in first page." The
journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed
brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page: "Biker gang
member assaults African immigrant and steals his lunch."
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  #237 (permalink)  
Old 03-20-2008, 07:42 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bad Rat
ANNIVERSARY


> On that fateful day, March 14, 1836, Davy Crockett woke up and walked from his
> bunk on the floor of the Alamo up to the observation post on the west wall.
>
>
> William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were up there already. The three gazed at the
> hordes of Mexicans moving steadily towards them.
>
>
> Davy turned to Bowie with a puzzled look on his face and said, "Jim, are we
> pouring concrete today?"
>
>
You get extra grins from me on this one . I pour concrete ( read : interpret english and give "direction" to the hordes ) . Where did all the english speaking cement masons go ?!?!?!?
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  #238 (permalink)  
Old 03-21-2008, 03:29 PM
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This is too funny.

I still have tears in my eyes!

SIPPING VODKA




A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous On the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to
get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior, and the spooky.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*! t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me"
12)The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry".
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A- Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.



In a while, Chet.
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  #239 (permalink)  
Old 03-21-2008, 03:35 PM
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IT DOESN'T HURT TO HAVE A LITTLE BIBLICAL HUMOR ONCE IN A WHILE

....THESE ARE REALLY CUTE.





Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?

A. Ruthless.


Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?

A. German Shepherds.



Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?

A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.



Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?

A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a
little prophet.


Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?

A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.

David's Triumph was heard throughout the land...and probably a Honda,

because the apostles were all in one Accord.



Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?

A. Samson. He brought the house down.


Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived
in Eden ?

A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.


Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?

A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.


Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?

A. The area around Jordan The banks were always overflowing.


Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?

A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.


Q. Which Bible character had no parents?


A. Joshua, son of Nun.


Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ?

A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. (Groan...)


PS. Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?

Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . . . "He-brews"


In a while, Chet.
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  #240 (permalink)  
Old 03-23-2008, 01:25 PM
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Police are on the lookout for a racist attacker.

I phoned the information hotline, but apparently it's not a job...
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