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  #2386 (permalink)  
Old 02-06-2012, 12:19 AM
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*Cletus & Billy Bob

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob 's hay barn one day when, through a gap in
the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of
an old John Deere tractor.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off
first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then
hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his
overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.*
*
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his
stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt
from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing,
Billy Bob ?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously
embarrassed Billy Bob ..

"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment,
and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

(Don't make me come splain this to you!)
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  #2387 (permalink)  
Old 02-06-2012, 03:20 AM
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"What do we want?"

"A time machine!"

"When do we want it?"

"It doesn't really matter!"
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  #2388 (permalink)  
Old 02-06-2012, 06:10 AM
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I don't understand?
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Job~Rated
"What do we want?"

"A time machine!"

"When do we want it?"

"It doesn't really matter!"
I love jokes that (should) make you think
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  #2389 (permalink)  
Old 02-07-2012, 10:47 AM
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  #2390 (permalink)  
Old 02-08-2012, 03:36 AM
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A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.


"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301.



There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301.



I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right.



Get in and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left.



With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow.........?"

"What . . . .. .. You coming empty handed?"
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  #2391 (permalink)  
Old 02-08-2012, 11:47 AM
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Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree.. She discovered that Senator Harry Reid's
great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory:

(see below)

On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885,
escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times.. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

So Judy recently e-mailed Senator Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle.

Harry Reid:

Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:

"Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad.
Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."




NOW THAT's how it's done, Folks!
That's real POLITICAL SPIN.
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  #2392 (permalink)  
Old 02-09-2012, 11:36 PM
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POSSIBLY THE BEST BAR JOKE EVER
A guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini." The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious... So he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini." Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100."
The robot then starts to talk about Football, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "Uh, about 50."
The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?"
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  #2393 (permalink)  
Old 02-10-2012, 12:35 AM
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I was showing my doctor the rash on my penis today. He seemed really uncomfortable and didn't want to touch it.

All he said was .."Make an appointment at the surgery tomorrow"...

Then he just walked away with his wife and kids pushing his shopping cart.
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  #2394 (permalink)  
Old 02-10-2012, 05:10 PM
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  #2395 (permalink)  
Old 02-16-2012, 04:34 AM
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For those who know nothing of how to satisfy a woman, the G-spot is located at the end of the word 'shopping'.
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  #2396 (permalink)  
Old 02-16-2012, 06:46 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Job~Rated
For those who know nothing of how to satisfy a woman, the G-spot is located at the end of the word 'shopping'.
dang, after all these years "whoda thunk it?"
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  #2397 (permalink)  
Old 02-16-2012, 12:03 PM
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Two boys were talking and the one said to the other, "There is an easy way to get what you want."

The other boy asked, "How?"

The boy replied, "Tell people you know their secret."

The boy jumps up and runs to his dad, "I know your secret!"

The dad replies, "Please don't tell your mom! Here's $10."

The boy then runs to his mom, "I know your secret!"

The mom said, "Please don't tell your dad! Here's $15."

The boy then decides to try it on the mail man.

"I know your secret!" He says.

The mail man opened his arms and said, "Come, give your dad a hug!"
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  #2398 (permalink)  
Old 02-16-2012, 04:28 PM
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A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth,

he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following

Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes. The congregation had to mob him to get him down

from the pulpit and they asked him what happened. The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums

hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much

to talk for more than 10 minutes.

But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...
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  #2399 (permalink)  
Old 02-17-2012, 04:59 PM
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Cowboy story

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."


He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

(P.S. - I didn't see it coming, either)
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  #2400 (permalink)  
Old 02-17-2012, 05:10 PM
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My wife asked: "Why don't you ever play golf with your old friend Malcolm any more?"

I replied: "Would you play golf with somebody who cheats and never buys a drink at the 19th hole?"

"No." She said.

I said: "Neither would Malcolm."
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