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  #2401 (permalink)  
Old 02-19-2012, 10:30 PM
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The last of the romantics

My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"

Being the kind-hearted guy that I am, I thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her!"

So we walked past it again.

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  #2402 (permalink)  
Old 02-19-2012, 10:46 PM
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milk & Eggs

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one
carton of milk. If they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife
asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

I'm sure you're going back to read this again.
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  #2403 (permalink)  
Old 02-19-2012, 10:48 PM
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Getting married is like getting into a hot bath tub..

After you get used to it, it ain't so hot
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  #2404 (permalink)  
Old 02-19-2012, 10:51 PM
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I'm not attracted by a girl's mind...

More to what she doesn't mind.
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  #2405 (permalink)  
Old 02-19-2012, 10:55 PM
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Guns don't kill people...

Husbands who come home early kill people.
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  #2406 (permalink)  
Old 02-19-2012, 10:59 PM
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There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... for example...
A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom.
Did you say ‘hello’?”
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  #2407 (permalink)  
Old 02-19-2012, 11:01 PM
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I was down on the sidewalk and looked up.
I saw my 5th floor arab neighbor Abdul out on the balcony shaking a carpet.
So I called out.."What's wrong Abdul? Won't it start?
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  #2408 (permalink)  
Old 02-20-2012, 01:57 AM
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Princes Harry and William go into a strip club and Harry decides to get himself a private dance.

The stripper starts grinding him and he gets carried away and slips a finger up her rear.

She turns around, slaps him in the face and says: "What would your grandmother think?"

So he hands her a £50 note and replies: "She thinks you should shut your mouth."
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  #2409 (permalink)  
Old 02-20-2012, 01:58 AM
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My wife has just asked me how many women I've slept with.

I said, 'I really don't want to answer that, love. You know I've had a past & I don't want to upset you!'

'C'mon' she said, 'I can handle it!'

So I had to sit there in front of her and count them all.

'1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, you, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14.....'
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  #2410 (permalink)  
Old 02-20-2012, 02:01 AM
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"Okay, that'll be $1," Said the cashier, as he scanned my Twinkies.

"What!?" I shouted. "But it says 50c on the wrapper?"

"Yes, I know it says that on it, but it is actually $1."

"Fine," I said, as I begrudgingly handed him the cash.

"Ummm, excuse me sir," the man slid the coin back across the counter. "You've handed me a fifty cent piece."

I said: "Yes, I know it says that on it, but it is actually $1."
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  #2411 (permalink)  
Old 02-20-2012, 02:02 AM
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I was telling a girl in the bar about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling, she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.
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  #2412 (permalink)  
Old 02-20-2012, 02:04 AM
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As I knelt down with a pair of size 4 shoes in front of this sexy blonde in a short skirt, I couldn't resist a quick glance at her underwear.

"Hey cheeky!" she said, as she gave me a playful kick.
"I'll bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls skirts, isn't it?"

"That's an absolutely ridiculous accusation, madam," I said sternly.

"I don't work here at all!"
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  #2413 (permalink)  
Old 02-20-2012, 02:06 AM
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During one of our lessons, I asked the children what their fathers did for a living.

"My Dad runs the fire station. He's the station officer." Said Simon.

"Very good Simon. Anyone else?"

"My Dad runs the local prison," piped up Billy.

"Excellent Billy. Is he the prison governor?" I asked.

"No Sir, he's just the hardest man in there."
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  #2414 (permalink)  
Old 02-20-2012, 08:58 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dave57210
My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"

Being the kind-hearted guy that I am, I thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her!"

So we walked past it again.
LOLOLOLOLOL
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  #2415 (permalink)  
Old 02-20-2012, 08:59 AM
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Brian Martin,Freelance adviser
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Job~Rated
As I knelt down with a pair of size 4 shoes in front of this sexy blonde in a short skirt, I couldn't resist a quick glance at her underwear.

"Hey cheeky!" she said, as she gave me a playful kick.
"I'll bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls skirts, isn't it?"

"That's an absolutely ridiculous accusation, madam," I said sternly.

"I don't work here at all!"

:
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
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