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  #2416 (permalink)  
Old 02-21-2012, 02:02 AM
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Artful Dodger
 

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A dog walks into a bar. The barman says, "Excuse me, but whose dog is this? The sign outside clearly says NO DOGS ALLOWED"

The dog says, "Well, I'm not just any dog, you know."

The barman says, "So, what makes you so special?"
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  #2417 (permalink)  
Old 02-21-2012, 02:04 AM
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My boss said to me today:

"You can't bring your dog in to work".

I told him: "It's not actually going to do any work!"
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  #2418 (permalink)  
Old 02-21-2012, 02:07 AM
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First man says: "My name is Dave, because I was born on St Davids day."

Second man pipes up and says: "Hey, my name is Andy, because I was born on St Andrews day."

They turn to the third man. "What about you, Pancake?"
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  #2419 (permalink)  
Old 02-21-2012, 02:13 AM
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Did you hear about the dyslexic KKK member?

He went round killing all the gingers.
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  #2420 (permalink)  
Old 02-21-2012, 11:23 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Not Politically Correct !

Pygmy Hunter
--------
A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead elephant with a pigmy standing beside it.

Amazed, he asked: "Did you kill that?"

The pigmy said, "Yes."

The hunter asked, "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?"

"I killed it with my club."

The astonished hunter asked, "How big is your club?"

The pigmy replied, "There's about 60 of us."
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  #2421 (permalink)  
Old 02-21-2012, 12:15 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Compliments of Terraplane Bob

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A "DOG PERSON" TO TRULY APPRECIATE THIS STORY.
Stay
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me?"

"Stay! Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young BLONDE lady, gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in 'Park'?"
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  #2422 (permalink)  
Old 02-21-2012, 12:18 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Stoled this one, too !

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... for example...
A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom.
Did you say ‘hello’?”
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  #2423 (permalink)  
Old 02-22-2012, 05:45 AM
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My ex-wife just texted me: 'Guess what? Now I know what a real dick is like'.

I replied, "Yeah, I've seen you with him!"
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  #2424 (permalink)  
Old 02-23-2012, 01:03 PM
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Four married guys go fishing.

After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend..


Second guy: That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.'


Third guy: Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.'

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him, “You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?”


Fourth guy: I just set my alarm for 5:30 am .
When it went off, I shut off my alarm,
Gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:

'Fishing or Sex?'

And she said:…………….. 'Wear sun-block.'
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  #2425 (permalink)  
Old 02-25-2012, 01:21 PM
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My 2 cents worth
 
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HOW MANY OF THESE PLACES HAVE YOU BEEN?

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing.
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  #2426 (permalink)  
Old 02-25-2012, 01:34 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by carsavvycook
HOW MANY OF THESE PLACES HAVE YOU BEEN?

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing.
If you find yourself out of work, you could always take a trip to Jeopardy. I hear there are lots of jobs in Jeopardy...
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  #2427 (permalink)  
Old 02-25-2012, 11:58 PM
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Texas Sheriff Entrance Exam:

A man in Texas looking to join the Frio County Sheriff's Dept. was being
interviewed.

The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications look good, but
there's an attitude suitability test you must pass before you can be
accepted." Then, sliding a S & W .45 ACP pistol across the desk, he says to
the man, "Take this pistol; go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth
dealers, six Muslim extremists, six 'Progressive Liberal' democrats, and a
rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" the man asked.

"That's the attitude we're looking for!" said the Sergeant, "When can you
start?"
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  #2428 (permalink)  
Old 02-26-2012, 02:48 AM
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I'm giving up the past tense for Lend.
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  #2429 (permalink)  
Old 02-27-2012, 06:07 AM
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A policeman pulled a man over and as he approached the car window, he immediately drew his gun and screamed: "Where's the little girl?"

The man said: "What little girl?!"

The officer aimed his gun and yelled again: "SHOW ME THE LITTLE GIRL!"

The man, now in tears, said: "I SWEAR I DON'T KNOW!"

The officer smiled and said: "...There's the little girl."
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  #2430 (permalink)  
Old 02-27-2012, 07:54 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Job~Rated
A policeman pulled a man over and as he approached the car window, he immediately drew his gun and screamed: "Where's the little girl?"

The man said: "What little girl?!"

The officer aimed his gun and yelled again: "SHOW ME THE LITTLE GIRL!"

The man, now in tears, said: "I SWEAR I DON'T KNOW!"

The officer smiled and said: "...There's the little girl."

?????????????????????????????????????????????? huh??
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