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  #2431 (permalink)  
Old 02-27-2012, 09:36 AM
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Cry like a little girl, I think.

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  #2432 (permalink)  
Old 03-02-2012, 03:34 PM
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A man walked into a florist & said: "I want a bunch of flowers for my wife."

The assistant looked at him & asked: "What exactly are you after?"

"Some sex", he replied.
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  #2433 (permalink)  
Old 03-03-2012, 09:09 PM
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My 2 cents worth
 
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Smart Cat !!

GARFIELD ON THE OIL CRISIS
YOU GOTTA LOVE GARFIELD 'S EXPLANATION -- TOO CUTE & ALSO TOO TRUE!!!









A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in:
~~~
ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Coastal Alabama
~~~~
Coastal Mississippi
~~~~
Coastal Texas
~~~
North Dakota
~~~
Wyoming
~~~
Colorado
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
~~~
And
Texas
~~~
Our dipsticks are located in DC
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  #2434 (permalink)  
Old 03-03-2012, 09:44 PM
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My 2 cents worth
 
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I don't know why I find this picture so funny!!
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  #2435 (permalink)  
Old 03-05-2012, 11:05 AM
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An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'


'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
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  #2436 (permalink)  
Old 03-05-2012, 11:10 PM
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Little boy arrives home to find his mom and dad having sex.

Dad says..."Don't worry son. I'm just filling mommy up with gasoline."

"She doesn't do many miles to the gallon, does she dad"..."Uncle Dave filled her up this morning, and he used a much bigger nozzle than you."
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  #2437 (permalink)  
Old 03-05-2012, 11:44 PM
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A study has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on whether she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: if she's ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged & masculine features.

However, if she's menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth & a spear lodged in his chest with a baseball bat up his *** while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected on this subject.
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  #2438 (permalink)  
Old 03-07-2012, 02:08 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Whatcha wanna bet these are Car Guys !
"4 bored guys at the airport"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T-0VyGSK6ow
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  #2439 (permalink)  
Old 03-08-2012, 02:08 AM
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  #2440 (permalink)  
Old 03-08-2012, 10:40 PM
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splinters in her.......

Splinters in Her Crotch
A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA .
There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land, so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama Care they turned me down."
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  #2441 (permalink)  
Old 03-09-2012, 08:01 AM
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peeing in the pool

Lil Boudreaux was at the local public swimming pool yesterday, when one of the lifeguards approached him, "Hey, you can't pee in the pool. I'm gonna have to ask you to leave." Lil Boudreaux tells him, "But everybody pees in de pool." The lifeguard replies, "Yeh, but not from the diving board !"
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  #2442 (permalink)  
Old 03-09-2012, 08:05 AM
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Missing

Boudreaux had been missing for a couple of days, and Clotile suggested to Marie that they should go to the Sheriff's Office to file a missing person report. When they got there, Deputy Guidry at the desk asked her for a description of Boudreaux for the report. Marie tells him, "Well, he's 25 years old, 6 foot 3, weighs 190 pounds, is very well-built and very handsome, soft-spoken, and treats me like a queen." Clotile, with a surprised look on her face says, "Marie, Boudreaux is 50 years old, 5 foot 4, weighs 260 pounds, fat like a pig and ugly as sin, loud and obnoxious, and treats you like trash !" Marie, smiling, says, "Yeh, but if dey can find dis one for me, Boudreaux can stay lost !"
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  #2443 (permalink)  
Old 03-12-2012, 11:15 PM
Semper Gumby
 
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The grandmother of all Blonde jokes

This blond decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
blond jokes and how all blonds are perceived as stupid. So, she
decides to show her husband that blonds really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to
paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her
Husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of
paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the
floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy
parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks
her if she if OK. She replies yes.He asks what she is doing and she
replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blond women are
dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting in the house.
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.She
replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it
said...
(You'll love this...)
(I know you will...)
.
.
.
.

.
“FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.”
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  #2444 (permalink)  
Old 03-13-2012, 07:42 AM
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Latvian Jokes....

Latvian: Is so cold.
All: How cold is?
Latvian: Very. Also dark.

Joke:
Man is hungry. He steal bread to feed family. Get home, find all family have sent Siberia! “More bread for me,” man think. But bread have worm.

Joke:
Janis: I hope my son does not die during night.
Guntis: What is "hope"?
Janis: Yes. I know what you say.
Guntis: No. I am serious. What is hope?
Janis: In truth, I do not know.

Joke:
Questioning: Why did chicken cross road?
Answering: I have not seen chicken since I was very young, on my parents' farm. This is before the Cossacks slaughtered them. I can still hear screams of sister as soldiers rape her. But back to question, where did you see chicken? I am very, very hungry.

Joke:
Man car break down near house of farmer. Take shelter in barn. Find farmer daughter in barn. Oh! Hot stuff! But TOO LATE! Is already rape by soldier.

Joke:
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Latvian.
Latvian who?
Please open door. Is cold.

Joke:
Latvian walk into bar with pig on shoulder. Bartender say, “That look delicious!” But pig say, “No. Is Latvian. Taste is similar to dog.”

Joke:
Latvian walk into bar with mule. Bartender say, “Why so long face?” Latvian say, “I was thinking of my daughter. She has been lie with soldier for potato feed baby. “

Joke:
Is dead dog in road. Is dead Latvian in road. What difference?
Dog have fur keep warm. Also, freedom. And dog try eat poop for pleasure not just survive. So many thing!

Joke:
Three Latvian are brag about sons. “My son is soldier. He have rape as many women as want,” say first Latvian. “Zo?” second say, “My son is farmer. He have all potato he want!” Third Latvian wait long time, then say, “My son is die at birth. For him, struggle is over.” “Wow! You are win us,” say others. But all are feel sad.

Joke:
What are one potato say other potato?
Premise ridiculous. Who have two potato?

Joke:
How many Latvian is take screw in light bulb?
25. One screw in, 24 ride bicycle generator for 1-hour shift. But time probably better spend search food.

Joke:
Latvian is capture by cannibals. Cannibals say, “We are kill you and eat you and use skin for canoe. But you may choose means of your death.” Latvian say, “Okay! You are give me fork, please!” But oops! Is forgot how use!

Latvian try to cross river. Has dog, potatoes, and dead son's body. Can only take two across river at one time. If he leave dog with potatoes or corpse, dog eat them. Is very sad. Also is not good boat.

Q: what is happening if you cross Latvian and potato?
A: this is cruel joke. please, no more.

Joke:
Why is Latvian throw clock out window? Will be no appointments anymore, only endure til death.

Joke:
Man is wait bread line. Wait until starve. Is very funny, yes!


Latvian Nursery rhyme..:

one potato, one potao, one potato, no more potato..
soldier eat potato and rape daughter..is end.
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  #2445 (permalink)  
Old 03-13-2012, 09:23 AM
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My 2 cents worth
 
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Texting For Seniors

Younger people have theirs, now we have our own texting codes:

* ATD - At the Doctor's

* BFF - Best Friends Funeral

* BTW - Bring the Wheelchair

* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

* CBM - Covered by Medicare

* CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center

* DWI - Driving While Incontinent

* FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers

* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

* FYI - Found Your Insulin

* GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

* GHA - Got Heartburn Again

* HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

* IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?

* LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out

* LOL - Living on Lipitor

* LWO - Lawrence Welk's On

* OMMR - On My Massage Recliner

* OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
* ROFL...CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!

* TOT - Texting on Toilet

* TTYL - Talk to You Louder

* WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?

* WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again

* WTP - Where're the Prunes

* WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil

Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)
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