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  #2461 (permalink)  
Old 03-26-2012, 11:28 PM
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Judy and Ted got married and had 13 children.
Then Ted died of heart disease.
She married again and she & Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Again Judy remarried and this time, she & John had 5 more children.

Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend: "Margaret, do you think he means her 1st, 2nd, or 3rd husband?"

Margaret replied: "I think he means her legs, Ethel..."

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  #2462 (permalink)  
Old 03-27-2012, 05:21 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by staleg






Thats too sad to be funny...Whats funny is how proud the owner is...
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  #2463 (permalink)  
Old 03-27-2012, 05:17 PM
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Here in SoCal we call it the California Lift. It cost's so much to live, you can only afford to lift half of it!
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  #2464 (permalink)  
Old 03-27-2012, 07:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by deadbodyman
Thats too sad to be funny...Whats funny is how proud the owner is...
He took an ugly car and made it uglier. I hated what they did to the Corvette from 68 to 80, just made them look like a boat with wheels.
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  #2465 (permalink)  
Old 03-28-2012, 01:43 AM
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A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the checkout counter.

The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat.
A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.
The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food.
Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog.
A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."

So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.
The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her.
So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like ****."
The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."

Don't mess with old people!
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  #2466 (permalink)  
Old 03-28-2012, 02:17 PM
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A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"
The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"













Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something.
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  #2467 (permalink)  
Old 03-28-2012, 11:57 PM
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I was at the bank today.
In front of me was a little Asian lady who was becoming increasingly irritated.

"Why it change?..Yesterday I get two hunit dolla for yen. Today I get only hunit eighty...Why it change?"

The teller shrugs his shoulders..."Fluctuations". He responds.

Turning to walk away she makes her point..."Well fluc you white people too"
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  #2468 (permalink)  
Old 03-29-2012, 07:52 AM
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The Talking Centipede


A single guy decided life would be more fun
if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store
and told the owner
that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion,
he finally bought a talking centipede,
(100-legged bug),
which came in a little white box
to use for his house.

He took the box back home,
found a good spot for the box,
and decided he would start off
by taking his new pet
to church with him.



So he asked the centipede in the box,
"Would you like to go
to church with me today?
We will have a good time."

But there was no answer
from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit,
but he waited a few minutes
and then asked again,
"How about going
to church with me


But again,
there was no answer
from his new friend and pet.
So he waited
a few minutes more,
thinking about the situation.

The guy decided
to invite the centipede
one last time.


This time he

put his face up against

the centipede's house and shouted,

"Hey, in there!
Would you like to go
to
church with me

.....YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS ......















This time

a little voice

come out of the box


"I heard you the first time!
I'm putting my shoes on!"
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  #2469 (permalink)  
Old 03-29-2012, 08:30 AM
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My girlfriend says she's leaving me because I'm too arrogant.


I told her to close the door on her way back in...
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  #2470 (permalink)  
Old 03-30-2012, 06:26 AM
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A Gypsy girl was preparing to get married

Her mother pulls her to one side and says
“On your wedding night he’s going to try and put his most prized possession into where you p1ss”



“Oh f*ck off” she replies
“How is he going to get his old van into the sink??”
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  #2471 (permalink)  
Old 03-31-2012, 07:08 AM
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I went to see my doctor complaining that I'd been unable to urinate for over a week.

The Doctor performed a brief examination and exclaimed: "Good God, man! You've got a knot tied in your thing!".

I slapped myself on the forehead and said: "Damn! I was supposed to buy some bread!"
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  #2472 (permalink)  
Old 03-31-2012, 01:56 PM
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Top ten reasons racing is better then sex:

1)You're expected to burn rubber,
2) It's OK to be a spectator,

3) There is a pit crew to help you out,

4) The faster you are the better you are,

5) It can last for several hours,

6) It's acceptable to tailgate,

7) You're supposed to finish first,

8) Earplugs are OK to drown out noise,

9) You don't have to kiss the race car, and

10) You get a trophy when you're done.
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  #2473 (permalink)  
Old 04-03-2012, 05:21 PM
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  #2474 (permalink)  
Old 04-05-2012, 12:47 AM
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A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast. To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.

Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'.
'Very good', says the teacher.

Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'.
'Excellent.'


Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him. 'I had bugger all', he says,

'B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'.


The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.

Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.

Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada.


Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada's east coast.


When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question. Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'


Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother.
That's why I got bugger all for breakfast'.
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  #2475 (permalink)  
Old 04-05-2012, 01:51 AM
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