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  #2521 (permalink)  
Old 05-03-2012, 07:37 AM
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Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick bastard."

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  #2522 (permalink)  
Old 05-03-2012, 07:40 AM
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Students at a local school were assigned to read two books, 'Titanic' & 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.





One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.


Titanic: cost - $29.99
Clinton: cost - $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bull**** artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery
Clinton: Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton remembers Monica for the rest of his life.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.
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  #2523 (permalink)  
Old 05-03-2012, 07:52 AM
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'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.
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  #2524 (permalink)  
Old 05-03-2012, 07:55 AM
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The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive
clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning,
accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,
'Well, she's there.'
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  #2525 (permalink)  
Old 05-05-2012, 07:37 AM
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I came home from the bar four hours late last night.

"Where the hell have you been?" Shouted my wife.

"I've been playing poker." I said

"Playing poker?" She repeated. "Well, you can pack your bags now and go!"


"So can you" I said, "This isn't our apartment any more."
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  #2526 (permalink)  
Old 05-07-2012, 06:52 AM
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  #2527 (permalink)  
Old 05-07-2012, 11:11 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by staleg


Holy Crap! I wonder if the dog carrier was actually built, hilarious. Doggy would go for a ride one time but a war would be on for the second ride. Funny stuff. I don't like cats so I won't offend anyone with a comment on the cat carrier...lmao tho!
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  #2528 (permalink)  
Old 05-08-2012, 04:45 AM
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The Judge studied each picture in sequence before looking up at me.

"Without doubt, these are the sickest, most perverted images I have ever been confronted with. It almost beggars belief that, inebriated or not, young women would allow such photograghs to be taken....."

He paused before opening his wallet: "......Fifty bucks for the lot, you said?"
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  #2529 (permalink)  
Old 05-08-2012, 07:23 AM
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Hahaha! This made me laugh.
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  #2530 (permalink)  
Old 05-09-2012, 06:25 AM
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Hair removal gel for men on amazon.co.uk
Read the reviews.....

http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-revi...owViewpoints=1
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  #2531 (permalink)  
Old 05-09-2012, 12:58 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by staleg
Hair removal gel for men on amazon.co.uk
Read the reviews.....

http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-revi...owViewpoints=1
This is freakin hilarious! I laughed out loud over a few of them, the poem is great, check them out!
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  #2532 (permalink)  
Old 05-10-2012, 01:49 PM
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Got this one from Bad Rat and it's Rated OF

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.
My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.
Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.

Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always call her "honey" in times like these.
"I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice.
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  #2533 (permalink)  
Old 05-10-2012, 04:11 PM
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rest of the story

NOW FOR THE REST OF THE STORY which Meller obviously didn't get

Last edited by Bad Rat; 05-10-2012 at 04:18 PM. Reason: stupidity
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  #2534 (permalink)  
Old 05-10-2012, 04:15 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wretched ratchet
Got this one from Bad Rat and it's Rated OF

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.
My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.
Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.

Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always call her "honey" in times like these.
"I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice.

( Here is the rest of the story)
Sorry Meller
"Idiot", she barked, "I dropped you off!"







Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."







She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."

Yep it's the golden years.
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  #2535 (permalink)  
Old 05-10-2012, 04:19 PM
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Looks like I'm a member of their organization

That's what I get for not proof reading my cut and paste before submitting I have an excuse so what's yours????

Thanks for bailing me out, Amigo
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