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  #2536 (permalink)  
Old 05-10-2012, 03:59 PM
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A prisoner digs a hole out of jail and ends up in a toddlers playground and yells "I'm free! I'm free!"


A kid walks up and says "So? Big deal, I'm four!"

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  #2537 (permalink)  
Old 05-12-2012, 07:22 AM
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Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Athens airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days."
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  #2538 (permalink)  
Old 05-15-2012, 01:26 PM
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Living At The Speed Of Life
 
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A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. After he gets over the shock of that fact, he figures he needs to get the damn thing OFF his roof... so he looks in the Yellow Pages, and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.



The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a... baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.



"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.



"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."



So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.



"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.



"If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, I'll need you to shoot the dog."
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  #2539 (permalink)  
Old 05-20-2012, 09:16 AM
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A Canadian and a Texan were hunting in the Hill Country when an illegal alien runs across the field.�

The Texan takes careful aim, shoots, and kills him.�

"You can't do that!" cried the Canadian.�

"No, no, it's legal here in Texas " replies the Texan.�

Later that night the Canadian goes and buys some beer and puts it on the roof of his truck to open the door.�

Just then an illegal alien runs by, grabs the beer, and runs away.�
The Canadian thinks "No problem" draws his pistol, shoots, and kills him.�

As he is getting his beer the police come and arrest him.�

"But I thought it was legal to shoot illegal aliens here in Texas !" protests the Canadian.

"Well yeah," says the cop, "but you can't use bait."�
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  #2540 (permalink)  
Old 05-20-2012, 06:51 PM
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As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's cemetery in the wilds. As I was not familiar with the territory, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the undertaker had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played as I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost....it's a man thing.
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  #2541 (permalink)  
Old 05-22-2012, 01:22 AM
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Apparently you can make ice cubes from your left over beer to have later.
But I am confused.

What is left over beer?
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  #2542 (permalink)  
Old 05-24-2012, 06:50 AM
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Tomorrow it's friday! Let's have fun! A sort of....


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  #2543 (permalink)  
Old 05-24-2012, 12:46 PM
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I really enjoy watching wobbly +i+s.

Putting Whiskey in the bird bath was a great idea!
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  #2544 (permalink)  
Old 05-24-2012, 12:49 PM
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My girlfriend's leaving me because of my obsession with the A-Team.




I love it when a plan comes together...
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  #2545 (permalink)  
Old 05-24-2012, 02:57 PM
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I have a little Satnav

It sits there in my car

A Satnav is a driver's friend

It tells you where you are



I have a little Satnav

I've had it all my life

It does more than the normal one

My Satnav is my wife



It gives me full instructions

On exactly how to drive

"It's thirty miles an hour" it says

"And you're doing thirty five"



It tells me when to stop and start

And when to use the brake

And tells me that it's never ever

Safe to overtake



It tells me when a light is red

And when it goes to green

It seems to know instinctively

Just when to intervene



It lists the vehicles just in front

It lists those to the rear

And taking this into account

It specifies my gear



I'm sure no other driver

Has so helpful a device

For when we leave and lock the car

It still gives its advice



It fills me up with counselling

Each journey's pretty fraught

So why don't I exchange it

And get a quieter sort?



Ah well, you see, it cleans the house

Makes sure I'm properly fed

It washes all my shirts and things

And - keeps me warm in bed!
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  #2546 (permalink)  
Old 05-28-2012, 07:05 AM
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  #2547 (permalink)  
Old 05-28-2012, 08:01 AM
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Physical Exam.......

A US Navy Admiral after 40 years of service,,was taking his final retirement physical exam,he was an obnoxious B-----D,he gave the nurses orders,he gave the doctors orders,all the while yelling at them,like a man possessed by the DEVIL, then a gorgeous nurse (wearing a mask)came into his room,and told him,that she had to give him a RECTAL temperature exam,he *****ed,but rolled over,when she had done the insertion,she told him to lay still,and she would be back in a minute,when the doctor came into the room,he started laughing like crazy,the Admiral yelled at him,,havent you ever seen anyone getting his rectal temperature taken? the doctor replied,yes,many,many times,but,this is the first time ive ever seen it taken with a DAFFODIL,,,,(flower)
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  #2548 (permalink)  
Old 05-28-2012, 05:51 PM
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Help!

How do I cancel a bid on E-Bay??

I bought a Mickey Mouse outfit and found out that I'll win the whole Obama admin in 15 minutes!
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  #2549 (permalink)  
Old 05-30-2012, 02:13 AM
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For my birthday present, my wife paid to have a star named after me.




Oprah Winfrey is now Colin Braithwaite.
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  #2550 (permalink)  
Old 06-02-2012, 10:48 AM
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I was helping out at the centre for deaf kids. I signed to one young boy, "If you had one wish, what would it be?"

He signed back, "I wish I could tell when my mum's coming up the stairs."
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