A guy with a gun enters a bar.
"Who had sex with my wife?" He snarled.
A voice was heard in the background: "You don't have enough bullets, man!"
My job is so unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by telling you about the folks I work with:
First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but man, is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.
The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves. I think she might be a lesbian.
But the jewel in the crown has got to be the stoner (druggie). And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work and I'm sure, after work. He probably hasn't been sober any time in the last ten years and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's and to make things worse, he brings his big dog to work. Every day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walking around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops at McDonalds and Burger King, every single day.
Anyway, I drive these amazing people around in my custom van and we solve mysteries and stuff.
I never drink anything stronger than pop.
And my Pop will drink anything!
HOW TO INSTALL A RURAL SASKATCHEWAN HOME SECURITY SYSTEM
1. Go to Canadian Tire and buy a pair of size 14-16 men's work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads ......
Went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour or so.
Don't mess with the pit bulls. They got the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.
Better wait outside.
We'll be back in a while.....
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adams mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire, so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.
Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down. That's probably why he can't get insurance.
We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there ain't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.
This morning, all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids.. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight, it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmasters tent.
Cody x x x
One spelling mistake can change and destroy your whole life in an instant.
A husband sent this text message to his wife.
"I am having a wonderful time
Wish you were her"
WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth..
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Men Are Just Happier People
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman .
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
A Wisconsin trucker who had been out on the road for three straight weeks stopped at a brothel outside Las Vegas.
He walked straight up to the Madam, plopped down $500.00 and said, "I want your fattest woman a bologna sandwich and a six pack of beer.
The Madam was astonished. She said, "OK, sir, but do you know that for that kind of money you could have two of my finest ladies, plus a three-course meal and a fine bottle of wine??"
The trucker replied, "Listen, sweetie. I ain't horny....I'm homesick!"
"When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not." - Mark Twain
A young guy driving a brand new BMW down a country road notices a farmer hitchhiking with his cow in tow. Curious, the young guy stops and asks the farmer where he's headed.
"Just into town" says the farmer, "I'd normally walk with old Daisy here but it looks like the weather's about to break and i want to get there before it starts raining"
"Well I'd love to give you a ride" says the younger guy "but there just isn't room for your cow in my car"
"Not a problem, we can just lash her to the tow bar and she can follow along. She can go at a surprising pace, can old Daisy"
So they do this and the farmer gets in and the young guy sets off at quite a slow roll so the cow can keep up. He checks his mirror and sees the cow trotting along, keeping pace with the car quite easily, so he give it a little more and speeds up to a steady 20mph, half expecting to feel resistance from the cow and ready to slow down if she can't keep up. To his surprise the cow simply trots a little harder and almost catches up to the car. The younger guy is amazed and decides to see what this cow can do, so he slowly speeds up to 40mph and is stunned when the galloping cow behind him keeps up without even seeming to be breathing any harder. He keeps on speeding up and the cow handily keeps up with the car till he reaches 80mph. To the man's satisfaction he notices that the cow now seems to be struggling to keep up, but is concerned that it has started to wink its right eye repeatedly. He asks the farmer if the cow is alright, it looks like maybe it was having a stroke. The Farmer looks behind and laughs.
"Don't worry about that, she's just signalling to overtake!"
I'm getting too old to shop
Had a little problem at the grocery store today.
Apparently when the cashier said :
“strip down, facing me”:
she was talking about my debit card.
I wish I had worn underwear!
A Father buys a lie-detector Robot that slaps you when you lie.
He decides to test it out on his son at supper table.
Father asked the son, "where were you last night?"
Son replied, "I was at the library"
The robot slaps the son.
" OK I was at a friend's house, watching a movie" the son says!
The father says... "what movie?"
"Toy Story, "
Robot slaps the son," OK it was porn " cried the son.
Father yells, "what? When I was your age I did not know what porn was."
Robot slaps the father.
The mother laughs and says , "He certainly is your son."
Robot then slapped the mother.
This is the story of a blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead.
And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear.
I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground.
I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.
'Now, just take a deep breath.
Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
"O.K." says the voice calmly on the radio....
"Repeat after me:
Our Father...who art in Heaven..."
"When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not." - Mark Twain
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