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  #2566 (permalink)  
Old 06-21-2012, 10:42 AM
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A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his underwear, ripped down his own and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

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  #2567 (permalink)  
Old 06-22-2012, 01:05 PM
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Hey, it's friday. Pass me a beer!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1b8W1tFFs3M
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  #2568 (permalink)  
Old 06-22-2012, 10:21 PM
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The other day, a guy went to the dentist's office to have a tooth pulled.
The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give him a shot.

"No way"! No needles! "I hate needles", the man said.
The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected.

"I can't do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me"!

The dentist then asks the guy if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection", the man says, "I'm fine with pills".

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet".

The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement, "WOW"! "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer"!

"It doesn't", said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth".
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  #2569 (permalink)  
Old 06-23-2012, 08:51 AM
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  #2570 (permalink)  
Old 06-25-2012, 11:33 PM
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Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows,

the Great State of Texas is planning to do one entitled:

Survivor, Texas Style

Description: cid:1.3952286333@web162801.mail.bf1.yahoo.com
The eight (8) contestants will all start in Dallas,
then drive to Waco , Austin , San Antonio.
Then over to Houston & down to Brownsville.
They will proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso,
Odessa, Midland, Lubbock & Amarillo.
From there they will go on to Abilene & Fort Worth.
Finally, back to Dallas.
Each will be driving a pink Prius w/a bumper sticker that reads:

1 ~ I'm a Democrat
2 ~ Amnesty for Illegals
3 ~ I love the Dixie Chicks
4 ~ Boycott Beef
5 ~ Stop the drilling
6 ~ George Strait Sucks
7 ~ Reelect Obama in 2012
&
8 ~ I'm here to confiscate your guns

The 1st one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.


God Bless Texas!!!
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  #2571 (permalink)  
Old 06-27-2012, 09:20 AM
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I said to the wife: "I've been so busy lately, I don't know if I'm coming or going!"

She said: "By the look on your face, I'd say you were going, 'cos when you're coming, you look like a stroke victim trying to whistle."
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  #2572 (permalink)  
Old 07-03-2012, 12:51 AM
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COWBOY TOMB STONE
Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah !
I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest?
His five rules for a happy life are at the bottom.


FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home,
cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you
laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust,
and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed,
and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women
do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.
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  #2573 (permalink)  
Old 07-03-2012, 02:12 AM
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A blind man was out walking with his seeing eye dog, when suddenly the animal paused and wet the man's leg. Bending down, the blind man stretched out his hand and patted the dog's head.

Having watched what happened, a passerby said, "Say, why are you patting him? That dog just peed on your leg!"

"I know," said the blind man, "but I gotta find his head before I can kick his butt!"
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  #2574 (permalink)  
Old 07-05-2012, 12:46 AM
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Two nuns were shopping at a 7:11 store.

As they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, "wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"



the second nun answered, "indeed it would, sister, but i would not feel comfortable buying beer, since i am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand. "



“i can handle that without a problem", the other nun replied, and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.



The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.



"we use beer for washing our hair." the nun said, "back at our nunnery, we call it 'catholic shampoo'."



without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer.



He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said, "the curlers are on the house."
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  #2575 (permalink)  
Old 07-05-2012, 02:19 AM
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Teacher: "Jimmy, if you had five apples & Mohammed asks you for one, how many do you have left?"

Jimmy: "Five!"
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  #2576 (permalink)  
Old 07-06-2012, 11:52 AM
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When the Jones family moved into their new house, a visiting relative asked
five-year-old Sammy how he liked the new place.
"It's terrific," he said.
"I have my own room, Mike has his own room and Jamie has her own room.


But poor Mom is still in with Dad!"
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  #2577 (permalink)  
Old 07-07-2012, 05:25 PM
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Apologies are so sweet and they're not that difficult to do either !
Case in Point:
Hi Sweetheart,
I am sorry about getting into an argument about putting up the Christmas lights.
I guess that sometimes I feel like you are pushing me too hard when you want something.
I realize that I was wrong and I am apologizing for being such a hard-headed guy.
All I want is for you to be happy and be able to enjoy the holiday season.
Nothing brightens the Christmas spirit like Christmas lights!
I took the time to hang the lights for you today;
I am going to the golf course for a round.
Again, I am very sorry for the way I acted yesterday.
I'll be home later.
Love you,
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v


Hi Honey,
Thank you for that heart-felt apology.
I don't often get an apology from you, and I truly appreciate it.
I, too, felt bad about the argument and wanted to apologize.
I realize that I can sometimes be a little pushy.
I will try to respect your feelings from now on.
Thank you for taking the time to hang the Christmas lights for me.
It really means a lot.
In the spirit of giving, I washed your truck for you;
and now I am off to the mall.
I love you too!
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
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  #2578 (permalink)  
Old 07-09-2012, 05:16 PM
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  #2579 (permalink)  
Old 07-10-2012, 03:08 AM
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  #2580 (permalink)  
Old 07-10-2012, 10:35 AM
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Three guys having a brain stimulating conversation.
First guy; "What do you think the greatest invention is? I think it's the Artificial Heart. It can prolong life!"
Second guy say's; "Well that's pretty good but I think it's the Rocket Ship! We went to the moon in a rocket ship!"
Third guy thinks a while and say's, "They're pretty good alright but the greatest invention is the Thermos Bottle!"
"A Thermos Bottle? How can a thermos bottle be the greatest invention?" asked the first guy.
"Well in the winter when it's real cold my wife puts hot soup in my thermos bottle and when it's lunch time I have hot soup and it warms me up! And when it's summer time and it's real hot my wife puts cold ice tea in it and at lunch I drink it and it cools me down!"
Second guy scratches his head and asks "Whats the big deal about that? "

Third guy looks at them and say's "Yeah, but how do it know?"
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