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  #2581 (permalink)  
Old 07-11-2012, 01:38 AM
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My wife left a note on the fridge..."It's not working, I can't take it anymore. Gone to stay at my mothers"

I opened the fridge door. The light came on. The beer was cold.

Don't know what she is on about.

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  #2582 (permalink)  
Old 07-11-2012, 08:16 AM
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I asked my boss where he wanted me to put the big roll of bubble wrap.

"Just pop it in the corner," he said.




It took me over three hours!
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  #2583 (permalink)  
Old 07-11-2012, 09:06 AM
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Recently a police patrol parked next door to a bar in Austin, Texas. After last call, the officer watched a man leaving the bar apparently so intoxicated he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and
fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other bar patrons left and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off, then he flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and switched on the headlights.
He drove the vehicle forward a few feet, then reversed it a few feet and then he sat there for a few minutes.
After all of the bar patrons had left and his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and began administering a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer test indicated the man had consumed no alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to take you to the police station, as this breathalyzer equipment is broken'. 'I doubt it,' replied the Texan, 'because tonight I'm the designated decoy.'
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  #2584 (permalink)  
Old 07-11-2012, 09:13 AM
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A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer."

Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money?

You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."
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  #2585 (permalink)  
Old 07-13-2012, 02:54 AM
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The Local Poetry Contest had come down to two, an university graduate and a bushman. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word, and then, come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was Timbuktu.

First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the bushman top that, they thought. The bushman calmly made his way to the microphone and said:

Me and Tim a hunting went.
Met three tarts in a pop up tent.
For they were three, and we were two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu
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  #2586 (permalink)  
Old 07-13-2012, 03:02 AM
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  #2587 (permalink)  
Old 07-13-2012, 08:19 AM
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My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.

As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

So I turned around and replied "So now you want me to stay?"
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  #2588 (permalink)  
Old 07-13-2012, 09:52 AM
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An Aussie pirate walks into a bar with a wooden leg, a hook and an eye patch.
The Barman says 'Sheesh - How'd you lose the leg'

The Pirate says 'Arrrrr - A shark took it off at the knee'

The Barman says 'Thats no good, what about the hand?'

The Piarate says 'Arrrrg - Lost it in a bloody bar brawl'

The Barman says 'Jeez - Well what about the eye then?'

The Pirate says 'Thats easy a seagul crapped in it'

The Barman says 'What?!?!'

The Pirate says 'Arrrrrrr...I'd only had the hook one day...'

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  #2589 (permalink)  
Old 07-15-2012, 11:31 AM
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Australian joke

A bloke escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money, beer and guns and finds a young Australian couple in bed. He orders the bloke out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then goes into the bathroom.
While the man is in the bathroom, the husband tells the wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped inmate, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years... I saw how he kissed your
neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay,thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too!!"
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  #2590 (permalink)  
Old 07-17-2012, 09:44 AM
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A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'
'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'
'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied.. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.
'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'

'Nope..just when it's raining.'
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  #2591 (permalink)  
Old 07-17-2012, 09:45 AM
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A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'
'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'
'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied.. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.
'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'

'Nope..just when it's raining.'
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  #2592 (permalink)  
Old 07-17-2012, 05:38 PM
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Dawson’s wife had been after him for several weeks to paint the toilet seat in the master bathroom. Finally, he got around to doing it while she was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, Dawson got home and realized her predicament. They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, he undid the toilet seat bolts, wrapped a sheet around her and drove her to the hospital emergency room.

Doctor Lilppschitz was working in the emergency room that day. He got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this).

Dawson’s wife tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, “Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before.”

The good Doctor replied, “Actually, I've seen lots of them, I just never saw one mounted and framed.”
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  #2593 (permalink)  
Old 07-18-2012, 06:45 AM
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A Golfer accidentally overturned his cart.

Elizabeth, a "beautiful" golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course heard the noise and yelled over to him.

"Hey, are you okay, what's your name?"

"Willis," he replied.

"Willis forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest up and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Aw come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty and persuasive.

"Well okay," Willis finally agreed,
And added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a hearty drink AND other activities, Willis thanked his host.
"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish! Elizabeth said with a smile , she wont know any thing. By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart!"
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  #2594 (permalink)  
Old 07-18-2012, 12:26 PM
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Here's one for all you good old boys.
A fellow from Boston was in Louisiana visiting family. One day he decided to take a walk around the area where his relatives lived to enjoy their fine, comfortable southern way of life-- something he was not accustomed to, being from the north. While walking he happened upon a pit bull attacking a small child. His instincts took over, and he ran to the child's aid. He grabbed the dog, pulled him from the child, and choked the dog until he was dead. As the dead animal lay at his feet, a man came running over from the other side of the street. He announced that he was the star reporter for a big Louisiana newspaper, and he would make the rescuer famous. "LOUISIANA MAN SAVES CHILD FROM GRUESOME DEATH," the headlines would proclaim. The would-be savior thought that this sounded great, but explained that he was from Boston -- not Louisiana. The next day the headlines of the Louisiana paper read: "YANKEE KILLS FAMILY PET."
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  #2595 (permalink)  
Old 07-18-2012, 12:54 PM
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My boss pulled up in his brand new BMW today and I couldn't help but admire it.

"Nice car," I said, as he got out.

"Well," he said, noticing my admiring looks, "If you knuckle down, work hard & put the hours in, I'll have an even better one next year!"
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