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  #2596 (permalink)  
Old 07-22-2012, 04:44 AM
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The total at the supermarket was $5.06, so I gave the assistant a $10 bill.

He said: "Do you have the six cents?"

I said: "Yes, I see dead people."

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  #2597 (permalink)  
Old 07-22-2012, 10:57 AM
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Ron, an elderly man in Florida, owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and
lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Some old men can still think fast.
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  #2598 (permalink)  
Old 08-03-2012, 12:59 AM
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Husband says to wife, "My Olympic condoms have arrived ... I think I'll wear Gold tonight."
Wife says, "Why not wear Silver and come second for a change."
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  #2599 (permalink)  
Old 08-04-2012, 12:02 AM
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My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

The vet found that the problem was ear wax and hair clogging the dog's ears.

He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store
and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're
going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
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  #2600 (permalink)  
Old 08-04-2012, 07:58 AM
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One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub

together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as

they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in each of

their pints.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued

drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over

the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BAS**RD!!!"

----
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  #2601 (permalink)  
Old 08-04-2012, 09:29 AM
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The very first ever Blonde Guy joke..... And well worth the wait !!!!

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and Exclaimed," Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,

"Don't look at me. He always made his own lunch!"
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  #2602 (permalink)  
Old 08-10-2012, 06:18 PM
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Two good ol' boys in Tennessee were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off of work at the local Nissan plant.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your house Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"
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  #2603 (permalink)  
Old 08-11-2012, 09:06 AM
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The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?" "Sam," the cowboy moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied.... "The balcon
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  #2604 (permalink)  
Old 08-20-2012, 11:51 AM
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A year in the Future ?possibly?:

The first woman President of the United States was going to be sworn in so she called her Dad in Texas and told him how much she wanted him and her Mother to attend the ceremonies.

Well, he wasn't much for traveling or even leaving home for that matter so he politely told her that they would not be able to make it. After much persuasion, the promise of having them picked up with a Limo taken to the airport put on a private jet and set up in a fine suite with all the pomp and circumstance they could stand, he finally agreed to go.

Came the time of the inauguration the daughter was being sworn in and the Father leaned over to the Senator sitting next to him and said "See that woman with her hand on the Bible?" The Senator replied "Yes, I do!" Then the Father said "Did you know that her brother played football for Texas A&M?"
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  #2605 (permalink)  
Old 08-20-2012, 11:52 AM
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A year in the Future ?possibly?:

The first woman President of the United States was going to be sworn in so she called her Dad in Texas and told him how much she wanted him and her Mother to attend the ceremonies.

Well, he wasn't much for traveling or even leaving home for that matter so he politely told her that they would not be able to make it. After much persuasion, the promise of having them picked up with a Limo taken to the airport put on a private jet and set up in a fine suite with all the pomp and circumstance they could stand, he finally agreed to go.

Came the time of the inauguration the daughter was being sworn in and the Father leaned over to the Senator sitting next to him and said "See that woman with her hand on the Bible?" The Senator replied "Yes, I do!" Then the Father said "Did you know that her brother played football for Texas A&M?"
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  #2606 (permalink)  
Old 08-20-2012, 02:26 PM
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A young woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs . . . an odd green spot on the inside of each.

"They won't wash off, they won't scrape off and they seem to be getting worse."

The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.

A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.

The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy - - there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Rat Rod guy?"

The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"

"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."
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  #2607 (permalink)  
Old 08-26-2012, 04:38 AM
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I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law the other night
when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.
'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPad.'

I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it........
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  #2608 (permalink)  
Old 08-26-2012, 12:03 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by malc View Post
I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law the other night
when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.
'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPad.'

I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it........
I am stealing this one, too freaking funny!
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  #2609 (permalink)  
Old 08-27-2012, 08:13 AM
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A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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  #2610 (permalink)  
Old 08-27-2012, 11:11 AM
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