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  #2611 (permalink)  
Old 08-30-2012, 02:29 AM
malc's Avatar
Living At The Speed Of Life
 
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Don't understand it - I've just been sacked from my job at Samaritans.
Some guy rang up and said : ''I'm lying on the rail track waiting for a train to come along..."
All I said was : ''Remain calm and stay on the line.."

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  #2612 (permalink)  
Old 08-30-2012, 07:33 AM
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The pastor of a Baptist church had called all of the little children to the front of the church, dressed in their cute Easter outfits and had them sit around him.
He said "Today is Easter and you all look so handsome and beautiful. Today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what the resurrection is?"
One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor said "Please tell us what the resurrection is".
The boy, proud that he knew the answer, said in a clear loud voice "When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!"
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"When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not." - Mark Twain
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  #2613 (permalink)  
Old 08-30-2012, 07:46 AM
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Airplanes! RULES OF THE AIRWAYS

Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.

Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man. Landing is the first!

Everyone knows a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But a 'great landing is one after which you can use the airplane again.

The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

Was that a landing or were we shot down?

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

Trust your captain.... but keep your seat belt securely fastened.

Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline.

Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.

A pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.

Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.

There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots!

Gravity never loses! The best you can hope for is a draw!

Gravity SUCKS!!
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  #2614 (permalink)  
Old 09-02-2012, 03:55 AM
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Tips for Women.

Question: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
Answer: Do it. Sperm can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you.
The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day, then cook him a nice meal.

Question: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
Answer: This is perfectly natural behaviour and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home.
Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it’s a great time to clean the house too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Question: My husband doesn’t know where my clitoris is.
Answer: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help.
You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral on him, and cook him a delicious meal.

Question: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
Answer: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand, with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral on him and cook him a nice meal.

Question: My husband always has an orgasm, rolls over and goes to sleep, never giving me one.
Answer: I’m not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you’ve forgotten to cook him a nice meal.
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  #2615 (permalink)  
Old 09-02-2012, 04:28 PM
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A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!"

The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"
BB
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  #2616 (permalink)  
Old 09-09-2012, 03:59 AM
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I got in touch with my inner self today.

That's the last time I buy Walmart toilet roll.
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  #2617 (permalink)  
Old 09-14-2012, 05:29 AM
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A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots,

But they only know to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment.....

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day,
She brought her female parrots to the priest's house....

As he ushered her in,
She saw that his two male parrots
Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...

Impressed,
She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...

After a few minutes,
The female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence...

Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,

'Put the beads away, Frank,
Our prayers have been answered!
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  #2618 (permalink)  
Old 09-14-2012, 08:37 AM
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Little Johnny


In school one day, the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about the elements. So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw element in the world what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."

The teacher nodded and called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum, because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette"

The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny.

Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon."

The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"

He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"
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  #2619 (permalink)  
Old 09-19-2012, 12:20 AM
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They say that you can't live without love......

Personally I believe that oxygen is more important.!!

But that's just my thought.
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  #2620 (permalink)  
Old 09-19-2012, 06:34 AM
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Rossco, By the age of 14 I had realized the best things in life are free. It didn't take me long to figure out they won't go out with you unless you have money........

John L
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  #2621 (permalink)  
Old 09-23-2012, 03:32 PM
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Merry Christmas!!



Sorry, I suffer from premature congratulation.....
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  #2622 (permalink)  
Old 09-23-2012, 03:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by malc View Post
Merry Christmas!!
Sorry, I suffer from premature congratulation.....
Ho Ho Ho

good'un
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  #2623 (permalink)  
Old 09-23-2012, 03:56 PM
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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.

Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
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  #2624 (permalink)  
Old 09-23-2012, 04:05 PM
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Speaking of Camels

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well sister, this looks pretty grim." "I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two." "I agree." "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" "Anything father." "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours." "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. "Father, could I ask something of you?" "Yes sister?" "I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?" "I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe. "Oh father, may I touch it?" This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. "Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life." "Is that true father?" "Yes it is, sister." "Then why don't you stick it up that camel's butt and lets get the heck out of here!"
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  #2625 (permalink)  
Old 09-23-2012, 11:09 PM
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Something odd just happened. A stranger walked up to me and handed me a christmas cracker.

I'm sure there's a joke in there somewhere....
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