[boothboy]

My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall..........

He approached a uniformed security guard and said,
"I've lost my grandpa!"
The guard asked, "What's his name?"
"Grandpa"
The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?"
The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,
"Crown Royal whiskey, and women with big ****."
BB

[malc]

True or False

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.



2. Alfred Hitchcock did not have a bellybutton.

3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs.



4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!



6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.

7. 40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.



8. Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until they are 2-6

years old.



9. The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.



11. The average housefly lives for one month.

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.



13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.



15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.

16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.



17. The REAL reason an ostrich sticks its head in the sand is to search for water.

18. The only 2 animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the Rabbit and the Parrot.



19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie".

20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.



21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used instead of real milk.

22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.



23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.

24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are reused in vein transplant surgery.



25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.

26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be Green.



Answers: All of the above are true. Don't you just love number sixteen?

[deadbodyman]

I like 12, I can use that one. But...
How the heck is that possible???

[Job~Rated]

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple of nice cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

[malc]

You Tube

You Tube

[wretched ratchet]

I had a dream the other night.
I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach.
Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to
the left side of the stagecoach, and a
rider-less horse pulls up on the right.
The man leans down, pulls open the door,
and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach.
Then he opens the door on the other side
and jumps onto the other horse.
Just before he rode off, I yelled out,
"What was all that about?"
He replied,
"Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."

[wretched ratchet]

server had a brain phart
so I had to erase this one

[Job~Rated]

[dinger]

Today I had to go to Sears.
As I approached the entrance, I noticed a driver looking for a parking space. I flagged the driver and pointed out a handicap parking space that was open and available.
The driver looked puzzled, rolled down her window and said, "I'm not handicapped!"
Well, as you can imagine, my face was red!
"Oh, I'm sorry" I said. "I saw your Obama bumper sticker and just assumed that you suffer from a mental disorder." She gave me the finger and screamed some nasty names at me.
Boy! Some people don't appreciate it when you're just trying to help them out!

[FASTFORD]

As you well know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the various social sessions over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea.

Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before....... I took a taxi home.

Sure enough I passed a police road block but because it was a taxi, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise.



I have never driven a taxi before and am not sure where I got it.

[malc]

A little boy goes to his father and asks, "Daddy, how was I born ?"

The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway."

"Your mum and I got together in a chat room at Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mum and we met up at cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, I upgraded my floppy disk to a stiffy and then your mum agreed to do a download from my hard drive."

"As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later, a blessed little pop-up appeared and said:

You've got Male!"

[boothboy]

LITTLE JOHNNY AND FATHER JOSEPH

Little Johnny was on his way back home from the store with a
loaf of bread in one hand, and his other hand in his pants
pocket.

Off in the distance, Father Joseph sees little
Johnny and realizes this is the perfect opportunity to go preach the gospel of the Holy Bible to the young boy.

Father Joseph approaches little Johnny and says, "I see that you have the "Staff of Life" in one hand."

"Yep," replies little Johnny. "And I have a loaf of bread in
the other!"

[FASTFORD]

[boothboy]

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God’s work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.
BB

[malc]

After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that
the Titanics swimming pool was still full.