[dinger]

An Investment Opportunity



Thought you might want to consider getting on board early....



A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan.



He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.



It's doing well.



He says prophets are going through the roof.

[boothboy]

Apple does it again!



Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[Job~Rated]

My neighbor came round and said, "I've just heard your wife's in hospital after crashing your truck. Is she going to be okay?"

I said, "I think so."

He said, "She's in the best place."

I said, "I know, everyone says Barry's Car Body Shop is the best in town."

[malc]

Originally Posted by Job~Rated

My neighbor came round and said, "I've just heard your wife's in hospital after crashing your truck. Is she going to be okay?"

I said, "I think so."

He said, "She's in the best place."

I said, "I know, everyone says Barry's Car Body Shop is the best in town."

I worked with a guy who upon learning his wife had gone off the road and landed roofsidedown in a water filled ditch, did in fact start bemoaning the fate of his beloved new Opel station wagon.
The company secretary who bought him the news had to tell him to find out about his wife before the state of the car.
Utter wanker.

[Job~Rated]

A cop pulled me over & said: "Papers!"

I said: 'Scissors....I win!' and drove off!

[Job~Rated]

It took a lot of persuading, but eventually I managed to get some girl's number last night.

After getting home I sent her a text saying: 'Hi it's Dave from the bar, my address is 185 South Street, come around for sex xxx'

She replied saying: 'Wrong number!'

So I sent one back saying: 'No it's not, I've lived here for six years, I should know.'

[Job~Rated]

I took the kids to the circus last night.

It shouldn't take long for them to settle in.

[Job~Rated]

I like to put things back where I found them when I'm done using them.





........So I dropped your mom off at the bar.

[Job~Rated]

The wife always says the same things when I come home from the bar wanting sex:

Like "You're drunk" "You're disgusting" and "Leave the dog alone".

[Job~Rated]

The cobwebs in my house just became decorations.


Thanks, Hallowe'en!

[boothboy]

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint.

The next week he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your butt and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

BB Happy Halloween!!

[malc]

[malc]

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an asylum seeker claimant outside the Social Security Offices,
"My good man", the fairy said, Iv'e been told by Pres. Obama to grant you three wishes, since you’ve just arrived in US of A with your wife and seven children, all costs to be borne by the American Tax Payers", The man told the fairy ; "Well, in Iraq, where I come from, we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them", The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and,
PING ! ! ! The Asylum Seeker had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth,
"What else "? asked the fairy, "Two more wishes to go".
The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant now got bolder.....
"I need a big house with a three car garage on the coast with eight bedrooms, and a Gold Visa Card in each room, for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in Iraq , I want to bring them all over here".
PING ! ! ! In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, a sparkling swimming pool, and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their music,
"One more wish left for you", said the fairy, waving her wand.
The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant really decided to go for broke now and said, “I want to be American, with American clothes instead of the rags and shawl, and I want to have white skin like the Americans.".
PING ! ! ! The man was transformed, wearing worn out trainers, a dirty Dodgers T-shirt and a greasy baseball hat, He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
"What happened to my new teeth"? he wailed.
"Where is my new house ?
Where’s my Visa Gold Card"?
The fairy said "Tough luck, now that you are American, you're entitled to Sweet F... All, like the rest of us”.
And she disappeared.

[malc]

[wretched ratchet]

I don't know who you Iz or what yo name Iz but I washes every Tursdee. (delete if necessary)