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  #2671 (permalink)  
Old 11-05-2012, 10:35 AM
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I was drunk in a club the other night when I spotted these drop dead gorgeous twins standing by the bar.

I staggered over & said: "Would you two lovely ladies like to come back to my place for a threesome?"

"You're drunk, aren't you?" They asked.

"What makes you say that?" I slurred.

They said: "Cos I'm standing here on my own!"

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  #2672 (permalink)  
Old 11-05-2012, 11:37 AM
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This takes balls to press the shutter button.

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  #2673 (permalink)  
Old 11-07-2012, 05:21 AM
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"Go and have a look at the size of the turd I've just done in the bathroom!" I said to my wife.

"Yuk! No thanks," she replied.

"Please, just one quick look," I said, "You won't believe it."

She pinched her nose, ran in, looked down the toilet, then ran out and said, "There's nothing down there, you must've flushed it."




I said, "It's on the scales."
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  #2674 (permalink)  
Old 11-07-2012, 05:31 AM
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I walked up to a girl in a bar and said, "You look like somebody who has a boring sex life. My mission tonight is to get you drunk, take you back to my house and give you the best sex ever!"

She said, "My boyfriend is right behind you."

"Good", I said, "I'm glad I've got his support."
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  #2675 (permalink)  
Old 11-07-2012, 06:05 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Job~Rated View Post
"Go and have a look at the size of the turd I've just done in the bathroom!"
Lordie, I thought for a moment that my Mom had come back and posted here.
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  #2676 (permalink)  
Old 11-10-2012, 10:13 AM
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Advice for an old guy...

I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing walking in...
I asked the trainer standing next to me, "What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?"
The trainer looked me over and said; "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."
__________________
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  #2677 (permalink)  
Old 11-10-2012, 03:37 PM
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Nice legs !

I went to a bar last night, had a shot or two of whiskey and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said to her, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said, "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now."
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  #2678 (permalink)  
Old 11-10-2012, 03:39 PM
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Moped & fat girls

You know what a moped and a fat chick have in common?

They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
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  #2679 (permalink)  
Old 11-10-2012, 11:13 PM
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'Skinny Dipping'....is now an old term and should no longer be used.

It's been replaced with the more up to date phrase...'Chunky Dunk'
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  #2680 (permalink)  
Old 11-10-2012, 11:16 PM
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Being 'single' is not a status.
It is a word that describes a person who is strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on others.
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  #2681 (permalink)  
Old 11-12-2012, 03:08 AM
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50 Sheds Of Grey


We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall...
but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.

She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
"I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me."
So I took her to McDonalds.

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.

"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."

"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be punished."
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!"
"Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt.

"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
"Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."

"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."
She nodded.
"Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.

"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD...
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  #2682 (permalink)  
Old 11-13-2012, 02:04 PM
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  #2683 (permalink)  
Old 11-13-2012, 02:20 PM
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Computer Repair

Caller : Hi, our printer is not working.
Customer Service: What is wrong with it?
Caller : Mouse is jammed.
Customer Service: Mouse? ... Printers don't have a mouse!!!
Caller: Mmmmm??.. Oh really? .. I will send a picture.
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  #2684 (permalink)  
Old 11-13-2012, 11:12 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by malc View Post
Computer Repair

Caller : Hi, our printer is not working.
Customer Service: What is wrong with it?
Caller : Mouse is jammed.
Customer Service: Mouse? ... Printers don't have a mouse!!!
Caller: Mmmmm??.. Oh really? .. I will send a picture.
.
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Funny since ours has been out at work for about a week now.
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  #2685 (permalink)  
Old 11-14-2012, 11:41 PM
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MAMA'S BIBLE

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors
and lawyers.

One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida.

The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house."

The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know
she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it.
Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mama sent out
her "Thank You" notes.

She wrote: Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can
hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much."

Love, Mama
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