A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife: 'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.
'From now on when I say 'BELL 1', I want you to strip naked.
When I say 'BELL 2' I want you to jump in bed.
And when I say 'BELL 3' We are going to make love all night.
The next night he came home from work and yelled: 'BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled: 'BELL 2!', The wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled: 'BELL 3!', They began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled: 'BELL 4!'
'What the hell is BELL 4?' Asked the husband?
'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' She replied ' YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!'
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The
waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich,
'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40
please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A
hamburger, fries and a coke.'
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the
'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a
salad,' says the man.
'Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it
on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket
'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found
an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put
my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million
dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long
as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there,' says the man.
The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'
The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.
I was walking past the lunatic asylum the other day, when I heard all the patients shouting: "13....13....13!"
The fence was too high to see over, but I noticed a small hole in the planks & thought I'd just take a quick look to see what was going on.
I just got up to the hole when someone pushed a sharp stick into my eye from the other side.
Then I heard them all start shouting: "14.....14........14!"
***FINALLY...THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES** *
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
and was pulled over by a female police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.
She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The police officer replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and
handed it to the female police officer. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
In a while, Chet.
And you thought the Protestants had a good sense of humor
the video is in Spanish so don't worry about the 8 yr old asking questions unless he Hablas Espanol - - - comprende?
Two couples were playing poker one evening.
Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under
The table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any
Underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up
Again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed
And asked, "Did you see anything that you like under there?"
Surprise by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.
She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this
Offer, Jim confirms that he is interested. Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. Sharp -
And after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and
Closed their transaction, as agreed.
Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his
Wife: "Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few
Minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he
Give you $500?"
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me
Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "He
Came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd
Stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.' The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half.'
The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.'
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, 'So, where does that guy go when he leaves?'
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, 'Your house!'
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex. ''Good morning 'Pastor, what is this?' he asked the pastor.
The pastor said, 'Well, son, it's a memorial plaque to all the young men and women who died in the Service.' Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, he asked, "Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?”
In a while, Chet.
Mensa Society Invitational Winners
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners. Read them carefully. Each is an artificial word with only one letter altered to form a real word. Some are terrifically innovative:
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.
11. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
12. Glibido: All talk and no action.
13. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
14. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
And the #1 pick:
17. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an *******
I shouldn't have been drinking my morning Coffee while reading that! ^^^^^
Too Funny-it is hard to choose a favorite, but I think I like Arachnoleptic fit the best-great find Dave!
My fave is #3, Bozone
(This is he!! working on the back hall, 10 feet or less from my PC - too much time 'wasted' here )
Oh - have you ever taken the Mensa admittance test. I did just for yuks a few years ago - sad to report, I failed (but not by too much )
When Insults Had Class
These glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued, before a great portion of the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." Jack E. Leonard
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
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