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  #2686 (permalink)  
Old 11-17-2012, 05:28 PM
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difference between a wife & a girlfriend

do you know what the difference is between a wife & a girlfriend ?
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usually 15 years and about 40 pounds !

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  #2687 (permalink)  
Old 11-17-2012, 05:36 PM
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the pickle slicer

Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle packing factory. For many years he had a powerful urge to put his penis in the pickle slicer. Unable to dismiss the thought he sought professional help. After six monthly sessions, his therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would never have peace of mind.


Several days later, Yossel came home from work very early. His wife Sarah became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that he finally went ahead, did it and had just been fired from his job.


Sarah gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and boxer shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis. Looking up she said, "Yossel, I don't understand. What happened with the pickle slicer?"





Yossel replied, "She got fired, too."
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  #2688 (permalink)  
Old 11-17-2012, 07:05 PM
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A guy has sex with a Chinese prostitute and a week later he goes to a doctor because his pecker has turned yellow, purple and green. The doctor takes a look and says, "Well, it's pretty bad, we are going to have to amputate!"
"No way!" says the guy and runs out of the hospital quick. He then thinks to himself, Chinese whore, then it's a Chinese doctor I need.
So he goes into Chinatown and finds a doctor. The doctor takes a look. The guy says, "Listen Doc, the previous Doctor said that he would have to amputate, was he right?"
"No, No, No," said the Chinese Doctor, "American Doctor's always want to cut, cut , cut. Two to three days at the most - pecker should fall off all by itself!
BB
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  #2689 (permalink)  
Old 11-20-2012, 03:23 PM
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before the trouble starts

A man goes into a bar and says, "QUICK Give me a drink before the trouble starts." And the bartender pours him a drink. He drinks it and says, "HURRY! Give me another drink before the trouble starts." He downs that one and says ALRIGHT, give me one more drink before the trouble starts." Finally, the bartender sez
that'll be $14.50
the guy sez
oops
thats the trouble.....
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  #2690 (permalink)  
Old 11-20-2012, 06:53 PM
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A fellow walks into a pub near Buckingham Palace in London, sits down, and says, "Give me a beer. I've had a rough day at work." And the bartender says, "Oh? What do you do?" The guy says, "I take care of the corgis--you know, the dogs the royal family owns." The bartender asks, "Tough job, huh? The guy says, "Yeah. All that inbreeding has led to low intelligence and bad temperaments. And the dogs aren't too smart, either."
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  #2691 (permalink)  
Old 11-20-2012, 06:55 PM
put up or shut up
 

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so a seal walks into a club...
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  #2692 (permalink)  
Old 11-20-2012, 07:38 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by against all odds View Post
i think the person in the story is a loser. i don't mean to sound negative, but people like that annoy me.
ummmmm.....
it's make believe dude.....

Last edited by unclebill; 11-20-2012 at 07:59 PM.
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  #2693 (permalink)  
Old 11-20-2012, 08:03 PM
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Believe in yourself !!!!!!
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by against all odds View Post
i think the person in the story is a loser. i don't mean to sound negative, but people like that annoy me.
WOW !!!

What are you smoking ????
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  #2694 (permalink)  
Old 11-21-2012, 01:18 AM
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I've been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately.

The most common one seems to be:


"You said you'd be home from the bar three hours ago!"
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  #2695 (permalink)  
Old 11-21-2012, 10:54 AM
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I tried posting something, but it didn't work...
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  #2696 (permalink)  
Old 11-26-2012, 12:03 AM
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Living At The Speed Of Life
 
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Why It's GREAT To Be A Guy...


-Your *** is never a factor in a job interview.

- Your orgasms are real. Always.

- Your last name stays put.

- The garage is all yours.

- Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.

- Wedding plans take care of themselves.

- You don't have to curl up next to a hairy *** every night.

- Chocolate is just another snack.

- You can be president.

- You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

- Foreplay is optional.

- You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

- Car mechanics tell you the truth.

- You don't give a rat's *** if someone notices your new haircut.

- The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

- Same work... more pay.

- Wrinkles add character.

- You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

- If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

- People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

- New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

- Porn movies are designed with you in mind.

- Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.

- Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
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  #2697 (permalink)  
Old 12-01-2012, 07:03 AM
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girl friend..............

how can you tell your girl friend is gaining weight ?

when she starts fitting in your wife`s clothes !
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  #2698 (permalink)  
Old 12-01-2012, 07:41 AM
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Doing your part.

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

She said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial.
It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.
In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

BB
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  #2699 (permalink)  
Old 12-02-2012, 06:08 PM
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retireee`s last shopping trip ?

A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP to Piggly Wiggly.....................................

Yesterday I was at my local Piggly Wiggly buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the

check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog,

I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital

last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of

my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load

your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete

so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was Laughing so hard.

Piggly Wiggly won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say.
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  #2700 (permalink)  
Old 12-04-2012, 12:13 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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A rather elderly gentleman (mid-eighties) walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is very well dressed, smelling slightly of an expensive after-shave, hair well groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel. He presents a suave, well-looked-after image.

Seated at the bar is an elderly fine-looking lady (mid-seventies).

The gentleman walks over, sits down beside her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says:

"So tell me, beautiful, do I come here often?"
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