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  #2701 (permalink)  
Old 12-04-2012, 12:34 PM
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Australian joke

COLIN THE ABORIGINE

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and
invited all of his buddies and neighbours.

He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters from the BBQ and flirting..


At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating
Crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has
The balls to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc,
Jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all
kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the
tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere..
Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell…………
Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.

Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.
how about half a million bucks then?'
'No thanks.... I don't want it,' answered Colin.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something..
That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock
Options?

Again, Colin said "No."
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?

Colin said, ‘I want the ba***rd who pushed me in.'
BB

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  #2702 (permalink)  
Old 12-05-2012, 11:01 PM
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MY GPS

I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's 60 miles an hour", it says
"You're doing sixty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the damned thing off.
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  #2703 (permalink)  
Old 12-06-2012, 03:47 AM
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My wife said to me:

"I love you loads, honeypie"


I replied:

"I love you tons!"


She said:

"What? No nickname for me?"



I'm sure the fat cow is going deaf...
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  #2704 (permalink)  
Old 12-06-2012, 04:46 AM
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Life gets harder as you get older, doesn't it?

Me & the wife were having a tough time & decided on a sucide pact last week.

Strangely enough, after she jumped off the cliff I felt much better, so I decided to soldier on!
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  #2705 (permalink)  
Old 12-06-2012, 04:56 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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LMAO - - - nothing like Brit humor to start the day.
Started with a funny vid from Malc and now this.
It's gonna be a good day.
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  #2706 (permalink)  
Old 12-06-2012, 08:30 AM
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  #2707 (permalink)  
Old 12-06-2012, 08:35 AM
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  #2708 (permalink)  
Old 12-06-2012, 08:48 AM
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never follow animals or children or W.C.Fields, eh Chief??
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  #2709 (permalink)  
Old 12-07-2012, 06:08 AM
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how it really started

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dorothy.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price.

The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.


Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew.

It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.

They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer.

Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known.

He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham.

And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that's the truth.
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  #2710 (permalink)  
Old 12-07-2012, 08:15 AM
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During my physical, my doctor asked me about my
daily activity level, and so I described a typical day this way:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge
of a lake, drank
eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy
brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison
ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake
and took four "leaks" behind big trees."

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be
one hell of an outdoors man!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a crappy golfer."
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  #2711 (permalink)  
Old 12-07-2012, 03:38 PM
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Gynecologist's Assistant
A man went to Madison Street in Seattle having seen an ad for a
Gynecologist's Assistant. Naturally interested, he went in and asked
the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read;

"The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. "

"You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and
carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and
gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so
they're ready for the gynecologist's examination."

"The annual salary is $65,000, and if you're interested you'll have to go to Spokane. "

"My God, is that where the job is?" asked the man.
She answered:

"No Sir, that's where the end of the line is."
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  #2712 (permalink)  
Old 12-07-2012, 11:45 PM
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A man hires a Chinese private investigator to spy on his wife, Chen Lee.
A few days later he gets a report.

Sir...I watch house...You leave house....He come to house...He and she leave house...All good, I follow....He and she go to motel....I climb tree and look in window...He kiss she...She kiss he...He strip...She strip....He play with she...She play with he...I play with me....I fall out of tree...I not see ....No fee...Velly solly...Chen Lee
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  #2713 (permalink)  
Old 12-08-2012, 02:46 AM
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Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his log book out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put his flying skills to the test.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear and even Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

"What's that for?!?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," As he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "But you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff..."
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  #2714 (permalink)  
Old 12-08-2012, 05:08 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Job~Rated View Post
Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his log book out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put his flying skills to the test.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear and even Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

"What's that for?!?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," As he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "But you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff..."
It took a minute. Good one.
BB
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  #2715 (permalink)  
Old 12-09-2012, 12:27 AM
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The Afghan Quarterback

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans.

No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your brother was beaten within an inch of his life last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!"
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