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  #2716 (permalink)  
Old 12-09-2012, 06:52 AM
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* Henry Ford dies and goes to Heaven.
At the gate, St Peter tells Henry Ford: "Well, you've been such a good guy, invented the car, changed the world. As a reward you can hang out with anybody in Heaven of your choice."
So Henry Ford thinks about it and says: "I would like to hang out with God himself?"
So St Peter takes him directly to God's thrown and Henry Ford starts by saying: "God, I don't want to sound biased, but you have some major design flaws in Your invention, the Woman.
1. There's too much front end protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3. The rear end wobbles too much
4. The intake is too close to the exhaust."
"MMMMM" says God and goes over to the Celestial Super Computer, types in a few key strokes, and waits for the results.
He then turns to Henry Ford and says; "It may be that My invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer more men are riding My invention then your's".
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  #2717 (permalink)  
Old 12-11-2012, 10:38 AM
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ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2012 EUROPE
From JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
Regards,
John

John Cleese,

P.S. And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.
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  #2718 (permalink)  
Old 12-12-2012, 11:12 AM
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I just can't believe it.. I feel like crying. I have just come home from hospital and all the windows were wide open. Everything has gone....everything. How could they do it to me at this special time of year?


I have called the police but told them not to panic as it's only MY advent calendar....
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  #2719 (permalink)  
Old 12-12-2012, 01:13 PM
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  #2720 (permalink)  
Old 12-12-2012, 01:26 PM
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typical redneck but definitely an Edited Video - - - - any idea what that kind of instant propulsion would do to a man's legs? knees? hip sockets? spinal cord?

had he been sitting in a aircraft chair, I might have bought it - - sorry Chief
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP PPP
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  #2721 (permalink)  
Old 12-12-2012, 01:29 PM
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Obviously no one could survive that, but it is whoopeee innit ?

Click to see it on YouTube and read the comments.
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  #2722 (permalink)  
Old 12-12-2012, 01:39 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by malc View Post
Obviously no one could survive that, but it is whoopeee innit ?
fer shore a big'ol whoopeee
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  #2723 (permalink)  
Old 12-13-2012, 02:56 PM
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Scene: The Atlantic ocean, off Trafalgar. Admiral Nelson is about to engage the French
Nelson: 'Order the signal, Hardy.'
Hardy: 'Aye, aye sir.'
Nelson: 'Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?'
Hardy: 'Sorry sir?'
Nelson (reading aloud): '' England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?'
Hardy: 'Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ...' past the censors, lest it be considered racist.'
Nelson: 'Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.'
Hardy: 'Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments.'
Nelson: 'In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle.'
Hardy: 'The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking.'
Nelson: 'Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ............. full speed ahead.'
Hardy: 'I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water.'
Nelson: 'Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please.'
Hardy: 'That won't be possible, sir.'
Nelson: 'What?'
Hardy: 'Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.'
Nelson: 'Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy.'
Hardy: 'He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck, Admiral.'
Nelson: 'Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd.'
Hardy: 'Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.'
Nelson: 'Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.'
Hardy: 'Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.'
Nelson: 'Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.'
Hardy: 'A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?'
Nelson: 'I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.'
Hardy: 'The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.'
Nelson: 'What? This is mutiny!'
Hardy: 'It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.'
Nelson: 'Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?'
Hardy: 'Actually, sir, we're not.'
Nelson: 'We're not?'
Hardy: 'No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.'
Nelson: 'But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.'
Hardy: 'I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report.'
Nelson: 'You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King.'
Hardy: 'Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life'
Nelson: 'Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?'
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a total ban on corporal punishment.'
Nelson: 'What about sodomy?'
Hardy: 'I believe that is now legal, sir.
Nelson: 'In that case............................ kiss me, Hardy.
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  #2724 (permalink)  
Old 12-14-2012, 10:10 AM
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My wife has told me she's quit smoking.
To see if she's telling the truth, I've gone to work and left the gas on.
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  #2725 (permalink)  
Old 12-15-2012, 02:34 AM
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My wife asked me last night: "If I were to suggest a threesome as a special Birthday treat for you, which of my friends would you choose?"




It turns out that she was only expecting one name from me, not two....
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  #2726 (permalink)  
Old 12-16-2012, 04:25 PM
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phone repair ?

PHONE REPAIR - Ellisville, Mississippi, Oct 12, 2012.
An Ellisville school teacher called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The next day the telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed the telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and then the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a metal chain and collar. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate. The wet ground would then complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

This demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning. Thought you'd like to know
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  #2727 (permalink)  
Old 12-17-2012, 12:48 AM
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An Irish priest was transferred to Texas .

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a ******* lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a ******* lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."
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  #2728 (permalink)  
Old 12-17-2012, 12:49 AM
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An Irish priest was transferred to Texas .

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a Mule lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a mule lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."
__________________
"When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not." - Mark Twain

Last edited by dinger; 12-17-2012 at 12:59 AM.
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  #2729 (permalink)  
Old 12-17-2012, 07:28 AM
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Taking his girlfriend to the cinema, the man’s wig fell off
when they were canoodling in the back row. As he felt
around trying to find it, his hand accidentally went up his
girlfriend’s skirt.
“Oooh…” she moaned, “Go on, go on, that’s it.”
“No, it can’t be,” he said. “I part mine on the right.”
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  #2730 (permalink)  
Old 12-17-2012, 09:29 AM
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?Canoodling? - - - gotta admit, it's better than "sparking" !
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