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  #2731 (permalink)  
Old 12-17-2012, 11:42 AM
boothboy's Avatar
More bucks, go faster!
 
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I canoodled once, but then I became flatulent and was afraid to do it again.
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  #2732 (permalink)  
Old 12-17-2012, 11:47 AM
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Father O'Malley was driving down to Boston when got stopped for speeding in Medford. The highway patrol officer smelled alcohol on the priest's breath and then saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He said, 'Father, have you been drinking?'

'Only water', replied Father O'Malley.

The policeman asked, 'Then how come I can smell wine?'

The priest looked at the bottle and said, 'Good Lord! He's done it again.'
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  #2733 (permalink)  
Old 12-17-2012, 12:29 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by boothboy View Post
I became flatulent
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OUCH, a word of many definitions
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  #2734 (permalink)  
Old 12-17-2012, 12:50 PM
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Living At The Speed Of Life
 
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What does it mean to come home to.....
great food,
love,
tenderness,
compassion,
& wonderful sex............?


It means you´re in the wrong bloody house.
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  #2735 (permalink)  
Old 12-17-2012, 02:33 PM
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A firefighter was working on
the engine outside the station, when he noticed
a little girl nearby in a
little red wagon with little ladders hung off the
sides and a garden hose
tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by
her dog and her cat.

The firefighter
walked over to take a closer look.

'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the
firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks', the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter
said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run
your rig, but if you were to tie
that rope around the cat's collar, I think
you could go faster.'

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
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  #2736 (permalink)  
Old 12-17-2012, 02:47 PM
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A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:

> HUSBAND WANTED:
> MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
> MUST NOT BEAT ME,
> MUST NOT PLAY AROUND ON ME &
> MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
> ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell.
Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you ?" Just look at you .. you have no legs!

The old man smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted. "You don't have any arms either !"

Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed ?"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,

"Rang the doorbell didn't I ?"
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  #2737 (permalink)  
Old 12-17-2012, 08:37 PM
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I wouldnt have a siren........I laughed my a** off!!!!!!
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  #2738 (permalink)  
Old 12-18-2012, 05:02 AM
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A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.


As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is!"


My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"
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  #2739 (permalink)  
Old 12-20-2012, 02:56 AM
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  #2740 (permalink)  
Old 12-20-2012, 04:30 AM
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End of World, "Let's Just Say 12/22/12 Never Came" now the "Oreo" thread.
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  #2741 (permalink)  
Old 12-20-2012, 10:58 AM
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  #2742 (permalink)  
Old 12-24-2012, 02:47 PM
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  #2743 (permalink)  
Old 12-24-2012, 02:55 PM
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LMAO - - - - you never disappoint !

Merry Christmas !
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  #2744 (permalink)  
Old 12-24-2012, 11:19 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dinger View Post
An Investment Opportunity



Thought you might want to consider getting on board early....



A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan.



He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.



It's doing well.



He says prophets are going through the roof.
Laughed till I cried thanks I needed a good laugh today
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  #2745 (permalink)  
Old 12-26-2012, 10:47 AM
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I got really, really drunk last night & woke up this morning next to a fat bird snoring & farting.







Atleast I got home okay....
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