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  #2746 (permalink)  
Old 12-26-2012, 09:48 AM
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I bought the wife a hamster-skin coat for Christmas.

But I really wish we hadn't gone to the Fair later - it took us four hours to get her off the Big Wheel....

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  #2747 (permalink)  
Old 12-28-2012, 03:52 PM
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a coincidence ?

Now here is a coincidence...

In the coming New Year, 2013, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address will occur on the same day. This is an ironic juxtaposition of events.

One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication.
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The other involves a groundhog...
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  #2748 (permalink)  
Old 12-28-2012, 04:30 PM
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Three blondes died in an accident trying to jump the Grand Canyon. They are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question.

The question posed by St. Peter is - "What is Easter"?

The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when we all get together, eat turkey and are thankful."

"Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I'm afraid. You must go to the other place!" replies St. Peter. Then he turns to the second blonde, and asks her the same question - "What is Easter?"

The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she's wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place; she is not welcome in Heaven.

He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "Do you know what Easter is?"

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."

"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.

"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.

Then the third blonde continues ... "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter!"

BB
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  #2749 (permalink)  
Old 12-28-2012, 04:58 PM
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There is some truth to this and fastfords post also.

What actually happened was the second blonds husband died and found himself at the pearly gates and St Peter told him he could come in if he could spell one word. The man said he would try and St Peter told him to spell love.

The man correctly spelled L O V E and to his surprize St peter welcomed him to heaven. St Peter then told him there was something had to do and asked him to watch the gate while he was gone.

Shortly after St Peter left the man's first wife who just happened to be the first blond in Boothboy's story showed up after being killed in an accident. The man explained that he was watching the gate and she would be welcome in if she could just spell one word. She agreed and asked what the word was. the man told her to spell juxtaposition.
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  #2750 (permalink)  
Old 12-28-2012, 10:18 PM
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A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, “Dark in here.” The man says, “Yes, it is.” Boy – “I have a baseball.” Man – “That’s nice.” Boy – “Want to buy it?” Man – “No, thanks.” Boy – “My dad’s outside.” Man – “OK, how much?” Boy – “$250″

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy – “Dark in here.” Man – “Yes, it is.” Boy – “I have a baseball glove.” The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?” Boy – “$750″ Man – “Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.” The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.” The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?” Boy – “$1,000″ The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, “Dark in here.” The priest says, “Don’t start that **** again.”
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  #2751 (permalink)  
Old 12-28-2012, 10:19 PM
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  #2752 (permalink)  
Old 12-29-2012, 06:50 AM
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That is hillarious! One way to get past the censors.
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  #2753 (permalink)  
Old 12-30-2012, 08:29 AM
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Aggie engineering

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  #2754 (permalink)  
Old 12-30-2012, 12:29 PM
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At the risk of offending some of our lady folk members I figured I should share this with you.

Men teaching classes for women
Post: #1Men Teaching Classes for Women

Men Teaching Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By January 31, 2013

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM .

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or *****ing About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase-- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum ..
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
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  #2755 (permalink)  
Old 12-30-2012, 01:08 PM
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CLASS 13
Anatomy Adjusting:
How to get Wiffy's shoe outa of Gearheadslife's posterior.
In home demonstration - takes about 3 seconds and then call 911.
Stay tuned to local news channels for time and place.
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  #2756 (permalink)  
Old 12-30-2012, 01:09 PM
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there was a double post - sorry
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  #2757 (permalink)  
Old 12-30-2012, 06:40 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wretched ratchet View Post
CLASS 13
Anatomy Adjusting:
How to get Wiffy's shoe outa of Gearheadslife's posterior.
In home demonstration - takes about 3 seconds and then call 911.
Stay tuned to local news channels for time and place.

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  #2758 (permalink)  
Old 12-30-2012, 07:29 PM
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The Perfect Christmas Gift - YouTube
"> The Perfect Christmas Gift - YouTube
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  #2759 (permalink)  
Old 12-31-2012, 06:13 AM
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My wife changed into her bikini at the beach and stood posing in front of me.

"Well?" she said, "I've lost a stone, can you see a difference?"

I picked up a pebble and tossed it in the ocean.

"The beach has lost a stone" I said, "Can you see a difference?"
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  #2760 (permalink)  
Old 12-31-2012, 06:21 AM
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My wife always worries about what she eats between Christmas and New Year.






But it's what she eats between New Year and Christmas that's the problem!
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