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  #2761 (permalink)  
Old 12-31-2012, 07:16 AM
wretched ratchet's Avatar
one full turn after it squeeks
 
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My wiffy asked me what I thought she needed to properly watch her weight and I replied "well for one thing, you need a much bigger mirror!"

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  #2762 (permalink)  
Old 01-02-2013, 04:03 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wretched ratchet View Post
My wiffy asked me what I thought she needed to properly watch her weight and I replied "well for one thing, you need a much bigger mirror!"
and THATS when all hell broke loose
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  #2763 (permalink)  
Old 01-03-2013, 12:04 PM
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You've got to be really careful what you say to people these days.

A muslim bloke I work with was bragging that he had the entire Koran on CD......

All I did was ask him to burn me a copy and all hell broke loose !
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  #2764 (permalink)  
Old 01-05-2013, 02:54 PM
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troubleshooting BEER

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone or the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
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  #2765 (permalink)  
Old 01-07-2013, 01:13 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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(Delete if needed)
Obama was looking for a call girl.
He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.
To the blonde he said, I am the President of the United States .
Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'
She replied, $200.'
To the brunette he asked the same question.
Her reply was $100.
He then asked the redhead...
Her reply was,
Mr. President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes,
My panties as low as my wages,
Get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in,
And keep it rising like the price of gas,
Keep me warmer than it is in my apartment and
Screw me the way you have retirees,
Then you can have it for free, like the immigrants
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  #2766 (permalink)  
Old 01-07-2013, 01:21 PM
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^^^^^^^^^^^^
Absofreakin'lutley priceless!!!!!

dave
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  #2767 (permalink)  
Old 01-07-2013, 04:30 PM
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When Hillary was released from a New York hospital after suffering a concussion, President Clinton was asked by a N.Y.Times reporter, " Mr. President, how's your wife’s head?" He replied, "We'll, she's no Monica."
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  #2768 (permalink)  
Old 01-09-2013, 11:01 AM
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The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather
dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early
fifties.
"May I help you sir?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
prefer someone else," said the
madam.
"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000
a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it
to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see
Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row,
as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still
£5000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went
upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded
that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and
they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been
with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The man replied, " Edinburgh .."
"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."
"I know," the man said. "Your sister died and I'm her solicitor. I was
instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person..."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain------
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
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  #2769 (permalink)  
Old 01-11-2013, 07:50 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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I recently spent $2500 on a young Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to suspect he was gay, if that's possible with a bull.

Anyhow, I had the Vet come have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possible a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day which I did.

Holy cow! Within two days, the bull started to service the cows...all of my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred all my neighbor's cows! He's been breeding just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!"

I don't know what is in the pills the Vet gave him, but they kinda taste like peppermint.
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  #2770 (permalink)  
Old 01-11-2013, 08:07 AM
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Husband takes the wife to a disco.

There's a guy on the dance floor giving it loads - Break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy?

25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says:

"Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"
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  #2771 (permalink)  
Old 01-13-2013, 01:43 AM
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Dear Abby

Dear Abby,

My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest. Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more. Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next he's with Muslims. Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy! Can you help?

Signed, Lost




Dear Lost,

Suck it up and stop whining, Michelle. You're getting to live in the White House for free, travel the world, and have others pay for everything for you. You can divorce the jerk any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with your dickhead for 4 more years, and it will take generations for our heirs to pay off the 8 years of debts he’s running up.


Signed, Abby
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  #2772 (permalink)  
Old 01-14-2013, 07:10 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Men vs Women - - - still the same in 2013

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Smart ***, and **** for Brains.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no benefit in two people remembering the same thing, over and over again!
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  #2773 (permalink)  
Old 01-14-2013, 09:12 AM
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DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

that statement USED to be true, one trip to Walmart to see all those women in their PJ`s, old clothes that are to small for them,dirty & torn clothes plus the hair that hasnt been combed for a week.................it should change any mans mind about marraige !
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  #2774 (permalink)  
Old 01-14-2013, 11:28 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FASTFORD View Post
one trip to Walmart to see all those women in their PJ`s, old clothes that are to small for them,dirty & torn clothes plus the hair that hasnt been combed for a week.................it should change any mans mind about marraige !
In Texas we don't use the word woman to describe those people.
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  #2775 (permalink)  
Old 01-17-2013, 04:25 PM
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Max & Arlene lived by a lake in Nordern Minnesota.
It vas early vinter and da lake had froze over.

Max asked Arlene if she vould valk across da frozen lake to da yeneral store to get him some beer. She asked him for some money but he told her, “Nah, yust put it on our tab.”

So Arlene valked across, got the beer at da yeneral store, den walked back home across the lake. Ven she got home and gave Max his beer, she asked him, “Max, you alvays tell me not to run up da tab at da store. Why didn’t you yust give me some money?”

Max replied, “Vell, I didn’t vant to send you out dere vit some money ven I vasn’t sure how tick the ice vas yet.”

Kinda brings a tear to your eye....No?
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