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  #2776 (permalink)  
Old 01-17-2013, 11:15 PM
boothboy's Avatar
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Max and Arlene take a trip.

Lutran Airlines Announcement

Ve are pleased to announce Lutran Air is now operating from Duluth Airport. Ya shure, you betcha! Dis is da latest air service to sprout up in Minnesota. Also serving Visconsin, Nort and Sout Dakota.

If you are travelin soon, consider Lutran Air, da no-frills airline. You're all in da same boat on Lutran Air, where flyin is a upliftin experience. Dere is no first class on any Lutran Air flight.

Meals are potluck.

Rows 1-6, bring rolls;

7-15, bring a salad;

16-21, hot dish

22-30, a dessert.

Basses and tenors please sit in da rear of da aircraft. Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are by free will-offering and da plane will not land 'til da budget is met.

Pay attention now to your flight attendant, who will acquaint you wit da safety system aboard dis Lutran Air 599.

"Okay den, listen up you guys. I'm only gonna say dis vonce. In da event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and so vill Captain Olson, because we fly right around two tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably mean da Second Coming or something of dat nature, and I vouldn't bodar with doze liddle masks on da rubber tubes. You're gonna have bigger tings to vorry about den dat.

Yust stuff doze back up in dair little holes. Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest wit you, we're going to have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sort a like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it.

In da event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying da Lord's Prayer and yust hope you get to da part about forgive us our sins as we forgive doze who sin against us, which some people say "trespass against us," which isn't right, but vut can you do?

Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not because day may confuse da plane's navigation system, which is seat of da pants all da way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in da wazoo, and if God meant you to use a cell phone, He vould have put your mout on da side of your head.

Ve start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style wit da coffee pot up front . Den ve'll have da hymn sing; hymnals are in da seat pocket in front of you. Don't take yours wit you when you go or I am going to be real upset and I am not kiddin!

Right now I'll say Grace. Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let deze gifts to us be blessed. Fadar, Son, and Holy Ghost, may we land in Dulut or pretty close. Amen!"

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  #2777 (permalink)  
Old 01-18-2013, 12:05 PM
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I'm reaching out because a friend of mine needs some help !!!!

His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help
him get an erection.

When he came back, he tossed her some diet pills.

Anyway, he's looking for a place to live.

Can you help him ????
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  #2778 (permalink)  
Old 01-18-2013, 12:21 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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LMAO

Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep
Husband down Husband down
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  #2779 (permalink)  
Old 01-22-2013, 11:11 AM
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Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
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  #2780 (permalink)  
Old 01-23-2013, 12:20 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The young couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves them sitting at the Gate. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple. 'You can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' said the couple, 'but we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?' St. Peter stares at them, red-faced with disbelief and anger, slamming his clipboard on the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!' St. Peter said, visibly frustrated. 'It took me three months to find a Catholic priest up here. Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?'
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  #2781 (permalink)  
Old 01-23-2013, 12:21 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Double post for NO reason - - - sorry !
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  #2782 (permalink)  
Old 01-25-2013, 12:29 PM
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Living At The Speed Of Life
 
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Lady: Do you drink?

Man: Yes

Lady: How much a day?

Man: Three 6 packs

Lady: How much per 6 pack

Man: about $10.00

Lady: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: 15 years

Lady: So one 6 pack costs $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your
spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past
15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put
in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound
interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady: No

Man: Where's your f*@%ing Ferrari then?
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  #2783 (permalink)  
Old 01-26-2013, 12:07 PM
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What Is Couple Sex? All you Grandpas and Grandmas, this is too funny not to forward. We are all reaching that stage where we need to keep the wax out of our ears and keep the hearing aids tuned up. Enjoy!
What Is Couple Sex?

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?"
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"
The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.
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  #2784 (permalink)  
Old 01-26-2013, 03:46 PM
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Born To Be Wild
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  #2785 (permalink)  
Old 01-27-2013, 09:34 AM
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if dogs were teachers

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure Ecstasy

Take naps
Stretch before rising
Run, romp, and play daily
Thrive on attention and let people touch you
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree
When youre happy, dance around and wag your entire body
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk

Be loyal
Never pretend to be something youre not
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently

There comes a time in life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it.

You surround yourself with people who make you laugh, forget the bad, and focus on the good, so, love the people who treat you right.

Think good thoughts for the ones who dont life is too short to be anything but happy.

Falling down is part of LIFE . . .
Getting back up is LIVING . . .
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  #2786 (permalink)  
Old 01-27-2013, 10:03 AM
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For the rest of you O.F. s

$5.37!

That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher.

Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change
When the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me.
He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me.
"Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet?
A mere child!
Senior citizen?
I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo.
Was he blind?
As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought.
I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter,
And there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me,
Like I could be that easily distracted!
What am I now?
A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, he?"
I stared with utter disdain at the keys.
I began to rationalize in my mind!
"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!
It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck.
I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.
What now?
I checked my keys and tried another.
Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
Then, a few other objects came into focus:
The car seat in the back seat.Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.
A partially eaten dough nut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot,

Relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.
That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger!
My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito,
Only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage,
And strode back into the restaurant one final time.
There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish.
All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"
All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"?

At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle,
And then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue.
I walked back out to the truck,
And suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention.
He was holding up a drink and a bag.
His mother explained,
"I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
She offered these kind words:
"It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone.

Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.
And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall.

I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket.
I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was that I had successfully found my way home.

Sure hope I didn't post this already?
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  #2787 (permalink)  
Old 01-27-2013, 10:19 AM
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  #2788 (permalink)  
Old 01-27-2013, 06:50 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wretched ratchet View Post
$5.37!

That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher.

Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change
When the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me.
He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me.
"Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet?
A mere child!
Senior citizen?
I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo.
Was he blind?
As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought.
I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter,
And there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me,
Like I could be that easily distracted!
What am I now?
A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, he?"
I stared with utter disdain at the keys.
I began to rationalize in my mind!
"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!
It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck.
I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.
What now?
I checked my keys and tried another.
Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
Then, a few other objects came into focus:
The car seat in the back seat.Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.
A partially eaten dough nut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot,

Relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.
That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger!
My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito,
Only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage,
And strode back into the restaurant one final time.
There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish.
All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"
All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"?

At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle,
And then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue.
I walked back out to the truck,
And suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention.
He was holding up a drink and a bag.
His mother explained,
"I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
She offered these kind words:
"It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone.

Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.
And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall.

I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket.
I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was that I had successfully found my way home.

Sure hope I didn't post this already?
When I first read this, I thought now that's FUNNY. And then I realized...that could be ME !!
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  #2789 (permalink)  
Old 01-27-2013, 10:49 PM
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bentwings
 
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Glad you cot home safely.

Just remember you can always get directions here. haha
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  #2790 (permalink)  
Old 01-28-2013, 10:06 AM
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A Romantic Moment

A wife being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text..............
"If you are sleeping,
send me your dreams.

If you are laughing,
send me your smile.

If you are eating,
send me a bite.

If you are drinking,
send me a sip.

If you are crying,
send me your tears.

I love you."

He replied........

"I am taking a crap.
What should I do?"
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