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  #2791 (permalink)  
Old 01-28-2013, 10:07 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OLNOLAN View Post
A wife being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text..............
"If you are sleeping,
send me your dreams.

If you are laughing,
send me your smile.

If you are eating,
send me a bite.

If you are drinking,
send me a sip.

If you are crying,
send me your tears.

I love you."

He replied........

"I am taking a crap.
What should I do?"
Like it stole it

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  #2792 (permalink)  
Old 01-28-2013, 11:42 AM
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Malc, made me LOL! too funny!




MISSISSIPPI DECLARES WAR ON U.S. GOVERNMENT

President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang. "Hello, President Obama" a heavily accented southern voice said. "This is Jimmy Boy, down here at Bump's Catfish Shack, in Vicksburg , and I am callin' to tell ya'll that we are officially declaring war on y'all!"

"Well Jimmy Boy," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Jimmy Boy, after a moments calculation "there is myself, my cousin Tom, my next-door-neighbor and brother Gerald, and the whole dart team from JD's Bait Shop. That makes eight or maybe nine depending if Bump can close the store.

Barack paused. "I must tell you Jimmy Boy that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Jimmy Boy. "I'll have to call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Jimmy Boy called again. "Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Jimmy Boy?" Barack asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and my brother Mike's farm tractor."

President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Jimmy Boy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lord above", said Jimmy Boy, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Jimmy Boy called again the next day. "President Obama! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Jimmy Boy, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over sweet tea, catfish, greens and pie and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed that many prisoners."

SOUTHERN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN
__________________
"When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not." - Mark Twain
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  #2793 (permalink)  
Old 01-29-2013, 06:34 AM
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The nipple lawsuit

Read about it here;
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  #2794 (permalink)  
Old 01-29-2013, 06:39 AM
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Pretty good one

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'
The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.'
The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?'
To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.'
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?'
The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.'
The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?'
The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith with a lovely, young widow.'
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, 'Beats the schit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?'
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  #2795 (permalink)  
Old 01-29-2013, 07:50 AM
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Have ya'll heard this one?

A while back, I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home.

I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu.
Shrimp cocktail. Lobster. Patron. Champagne.

I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"

"No," she replied, "but my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight."

I said, "Would you care for dessert?"
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  #2796 (permalink)  
Old 01-29-2013, 08:00 AM
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Nolan is BACK !!!!!!
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  #2797 (permalink)  
Old 01-29-2013, 12:23 PM
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From Various Training Manuals !

'If the enemy is in range, so are you.' - Infantry Journal
___________________________________

'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.' - U.S. Air Force Manual
___________________________________

‘Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.' - General Douglas MacArthur
___________________________________

'Tracers work both ways.' - Army Ordnance Manual
___________________________________

'Five second fuses last about three seconds.' - Infantry Journal
___________________________________

'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.' - Naval Ops Manual
___________________________________

'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.' - Unknown Infantry Recruit
___________________________________

'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up to him.' - Infantry Journal
___________________________________

'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.' - Sign over SR71 Wing Ops
___________________________________

'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.' - Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)
___________________________________

'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.' - Unknown Author
___________________________________

'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.' - Fixed Wing Pilot-
___________________________________

'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.' -Multi-Engine Training Manual
___________________________________

'Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.' - Unknown Author
___________________________________

'If you hear me yell; "Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echoes.' If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because by then you'll be the pilot.' - Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot
___________________________________

'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies.' - Sign over Control Tower Door
___________________________________

'Never trade luck for skill.' - Author Unknown
___________________________________

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are: ' Did you feel that?' 'What's that noise?' and 'Oh S...!' - Authors Unknown
___________________________________

'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.' - Basic Flight Training Manual
___________________________________

'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it..' - Emergency Checklist
___________________________________

'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.' - Attributed to Max Stanley ( Northrop test pilot)
___________________________________

'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.' - Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB , AZ
___________________________________

'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.' - Lead-in Fighter Training Manual
___________________________________

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives. The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks, 'What happened?' The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'
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  #2798 (permalink)  
Old 01-30-2013, 06:59 AM
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Important - Icy Weather warning essential items

A government warning said that anyone traveling in icy conditions should carry the following:

A shovel, blankets or sleeping bag, extra clothing including scarf, hat and gloves as well as 24 hours supply of food and drink, a de-icer, 5Kgs of rock salt, a torch or lantern with spare batteries.

Not forgetting:

Road flares and reflective triangles, a tow rope, a 5 gallon petrol can, a first aid kit and jump leads, etc.





I felt a complete idiot on the bus this morning !!!!!!
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  #2799 (permalink)  
Old 01-30-2013, 07:22 AM
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Encore

FOR THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER...




Hollywood Squares:

These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now.
Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: ?Loneliness!
?????(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads underwater long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that
he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty...

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics,
what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of
kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was
he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen
them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
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  #2800 (permalink)  
Old 01-30-2013, 07:33 AM
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In Frequently

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the elderly gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently," she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered,

"Is that one word or two?"
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  #2801 (permalink)  
Old 01-30-2013, 07:35 AM
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Hilarious.....
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  #2802 (permalink)  
Old 01-30-2013, 08:35 AM
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bedtime story

A short bedtime story.....








The end
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  #2803 (permalink)  
Old 01-30-2013, 10:46 AM
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Our teacher asked me what my favorite animal was and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth.

I did.

Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.

He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.

I told him what happened and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class, my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.

I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders."


Guess where I am now...?
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  #2804 (permalink)  
Old 01-30-2013, 02:37 PM
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traffic stop

A Michigan State trooper pulled a car over about 2 miles north of the Michigan/Indiana State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Ft. Wayne, IN to do a show at the Circus. He didn’t want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn’t give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk got out, watched the performance, then staggered over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper saw him and went over and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The man laughed and said, “You might as well take my butt to jail, cause there ain’t no way I can pass that test!”
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Old 01-30-2013, 02:38 PM
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at the vet`s office

A man walks into a veterinarian's office with a goldfish in a bowl. The vet takes him in and asks what the problem was. The man says he thinks the goldfish has either epilepsy or Tourette's syndrome or something like that because he often has intense bouts of seizures, twitching and convulsing for long periods of time. The vet bends down and looks at the fish happily swimming in his bowl.

"He seems to be very calm at the moment..."

"Well I haven't taken him out of his bowl yet."
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