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  #2806 (permalink)  
Old 01-30-2013, 03:43 PM
boothboy's Avatar
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A U. S. Navy destroyer

stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards

California.

The Captain gets on the

loud- hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft.

Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts

down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "We are

invading the United States of America! to

reclaim the territory taken by the USA during

the 1800's." The entire crew of the destroyer

doubled-over in laughter.

When the Captain is finally

able to catch his breath, he gets back on the

loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of

you?"

The same Mexican stands up

again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The

rest are already there!"

BB

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  #2807 (permalink)  
Old 02-01-2013, 03:44 AM
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I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their moustache and suddenly....



She's not your friend any more.
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  #2808 (permalink)  
Old 02-01-2013, 06:16 AM
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old folks

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."

"One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature."

"Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."

"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly."
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  #2809 (permalink)  
Old 02-01-2013, 07:22 AM
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Walmart Greeter

My one day of employment after retiring






After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into
the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.





As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Walmart."
I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Don't be ****ing stupid. Of course they aren't twins.
The oldest one's 9, and the other one' s 7.

Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam.. I just couldn't believe someone ****ed you twice.


Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart."


My Supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
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  #2810 (permalink)  
Old 02-01-2013, 07:27 AM
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Hee hee hee snort!
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  #2811 (permalink)  
Old 02-01-2013, 09:23 AM
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Some guy knocked on my door just now and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbor."

I said, "You've got the wrong house then, buddy!"
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  #2812 (permalink)  
Old 02-01-2013, 09:41 AM
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Poo Bear

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  #2813 (permalink)  
Old 02-01-2013, 10:51 AM
boatbob2
 
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wheelchair bound..........

A beautiful ladY in a wheelchair caught this fellas eye,so he said,i would like to take you out on a date,she said,i would like to go out with you,but,you will have to get me brothers permission,so he goes and talks to the brother,after getting the third degree from the brother,hes given permission to take her out on a date,so,they go to a very nice restaurant,have a very good,expensive meal,and things are looking up,he wheels her out to the car,places her in the front seat,puts the wheelchair in the trunk,and starts driving,he wants to make mad passionate love to her very badly,but,how do you make love to a ladY,parilized from the waist down? So he tells her,he would like to make love to her,but he doesnt know how to do it to her,she says,drive into that farmers field,theres a big tree there,hold me up to that branch,and i will hold on to it,while you make love to me,So he does,the sex is fantastic,it is really great,after finishing,and cleaning her up,he has a ton of remorse,for hanging her on the branch and making love to her,all the way back to her house,he is complaining to himself,how could i possibly have done such a thing,when they get bacK to the brothers house,he takes the wheel chair out of the trunk,puts her in it,then wheels her into the house,he tells the brother what hes done,the brother says dont worry about it,you are a very fine man to bring her home....MOST MEN LEAVE HER HANGING IN THE TREE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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  #2814 (permalink)  
Old 02-01-2013, 01:58 PM
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-------------------double post sorry
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  #2815 (permalink)  
Old 02-01-2013, 01:59 PM
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True Story !
The other day I was listening to the radio while driving and this Texas Redneck dude was talking about the upcoming Super Bowl and during the conversation he said - - "What the %#! is up with this Ex El Vee Eye Eye crap, don't them idiots know their numbers?" - - I almost wreck my car.
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  #2816 (permalink)  
Old 02-02-2013, 05:53 AM
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  #2817 (permalink)  
Old 02-04-2013, 07:19 PM
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similar jester;; and this is a fact at my work . i bring in a k.w. change a light . 5 min . fill out paperwork . 20 min . 58x2 .
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  #2818 (permalink)  
Old 02-05-2013, 03:57 PM
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Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen who had large magnificent breasts.



Nick the Dragon Slayer was obsessed with the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.



One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.



Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.



The next day Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed the itching commenced and grew intense.



Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.



The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their Chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.



The Queen's itching was eventually relieved while Nick left satisfied and became hailed as a hero.



Upon returning to his chamber Nick found Horatio demanding the payment of 1000 gold coins.



With his obsession now satisfied Nick couldn't have cared less and knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh, told him to get lost.



The next day Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.



The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.







The moral of the story ...... Pay your bills.
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  #2819 (permalink)  
Old 02-05-2013, 05:11 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Job~Rated View Post
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen who had large magnificent breasts.



Nick the Dragon Slayer was obsessed with the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.



One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.



Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.



The next day Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed the itching commenced and grew intense.



Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.



The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their Chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.



The Queen's itching was eventually relieved while Nick left satisfied and became hailed as a hero.



Upon returning to his chamber Nick found Horatio demanding the payment of 1000 gold coins.



With his obsession now satisfied Nick couldn't have cared less and knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh, told him to get lost.



The next day Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.



The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.







The moral of the story ......…… Pay your bills.
Good one!

BB
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  #2820 (permalink)  
Old 02-07-2013, 12:18 PM
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New species discovered!



They are referred to as homo slackass-erectus created by natural genetic downward evolution through constant spineless posturing, and spasmatic upper limb gestures, which new research has shown to cause shorter legs and an inability to ambulate other than in an awkward shuffling gait. The "drag-crotch" shape also seems to effect brain function. Expect no eye contact or intelligent verbal communication. History shows that this species mostly voted for Labour and receives full government care. Unfortunately most are highly fertile.

Duke
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