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  #271 (permalink)  
Old 04-04-2008, 08:09 PM
pigjamelectric's Avatar
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Don't want heat for giving somebody a bad job reference? Tell the employer,"NOBODY is better for the job."

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  #272 (permalink)  
Old 04-05-2008, 12:48 AM
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Tale of the Irish Sausage

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money; between them they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said, 'Hang on, I have an idea.' He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said, 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry, just follow me and do whatever I tell ya.'

They went into the pub where Murphy immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whiskey.

Shamus said, 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied with a smile, 'Don't worry, I have a plan. Now drink your pint and down your whiskey. Cheers!'

They both downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said, 'Murphy, I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub!"
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  #273 (permalink)  
Old 04-05-2008, 01:06 AM
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Jeeez Malc, I knew what the punch line was going to be halfway through but I still LMAO! A different view of a good joke.
Dan
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  #274 (permalink)  
Old 04-05-2008, 11:29 PM
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how do you quadruple the occupancy of a gay bar?























turn the barstools over.
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  #275 (permalink)  
Old 04-05-2008, 11:32 PM
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Little redneck Suzy sez to daddy, "daddy, can i use the truck tonight?" Daddy sez, sure, but you know what you gotta do." Suzy sez ok, and gets busy. after a few seconds, Suzy sez, "Eww daddy, you taste like ****." daddy sez, "Oh, thats right little girl, your brother has the truck tonight."
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  #276 (permalink)  
Old 04-06-2008, 09:17 AM
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re;daily funny revisited

There's this guy from the hill country.He's taking his teenage daughter shopping for back to school clothes,as they're going through wal-mart,he sees an old friend he hasn't seen in years,after pleasantries his buddy says;"Who's that sweet young thing you're with?" "Why,that's my daughter.""How old is she?" She's 14." "Well you know what they say,you can't be too careful these days.Is she sexually active?"Nah.she just lays there like her mama.

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  #277 (permalink)  
Old 04-06-2008, 09:28 AM
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At a Chevy dealership in Canton , Mississippi.....

"When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
"Hey", I announced to the technician, "It's open!"

His reply, "I know. I already got that side."
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  #278 (permalink)  
Old 04-06-2008, 06:29 PM
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For You Bikers


A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:

"I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"


The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.


His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.


The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"


The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.


The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says...................












"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk"
30dee
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  #279 (permalink)  
Old 04-08-2008, 03:32 AM
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Bono....lead singer of the rock band U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet.

Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience's attention, he said into the microphone: "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

From the front of the crowd, a voice with a broad Scottish accent pierced the silence ...

"Well, stop doin' it then, ya evil b******!"
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  #280 (permalink)  
Old 04-08-2008, 08:00 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Job~Rated
Bono....lead singer of the rock band U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet.

Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience's attention, he said into the microphone: "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

From the front of the crowd, a voice with a broad Scottish accent pierced the silence ...

"Well, stop doin' it then, ya evil b******!"
That's very sick and very funny, I like it..
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  #281 (permalink)  
Old 04-08-2008, 09:09 AM
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Thanks to all of you

I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year.
====================

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one past-time while driving alone is picking your nose. (Although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)

Eating a Little Debbie Cake sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet bowl stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex sinc e they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up a $5.00 bill dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in- law's second husband's cousin's beautician..

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late .


AND NOW, Have a wonderful day....
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  #282 (permalink)  
Old 04-08-2008, 10:08 AM
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A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late .
But, but, I just had on there so I could scroll down. I swear....


In a while, Chet.
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  #283 (permalink)  
Old 04-08-2008, 10:43 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by schnitz
But, but, I just had on there so I could scroll down. I swear....


In a while, Chet.
That's OK - it's just between only us guys
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  #284 (permalink)  
Old 04-08-2008, 12:49 PM
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"A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late .
"


Thank god I was pickinī ma nose while reading that.
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  #285 (permalink)  
Old 04-08-2008, 01:11 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by malc
"A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late .
"


Thank god I was pickinī ma nose while reading that.

No cell phone in the other hand ??
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