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  #2836 (permalink)  
Old 02-13-2013, 01:37 PM
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Living At The Speed Of Life
 
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Great Job~Rated.


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  #2837 (permalink)  
Old 02-14-2013, 04:41 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Happy Valentine's Day

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  #2838 (permalink)  
Old 02-15-2013, 10:04 AM
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Two elderly ladies had been friends for many years. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a month.

One day, they were drinking coffee when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name.. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.

Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said,

"How soon do you need to know?"
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  #2839 (permalink)  
Old 02-15-2013, 10:06 AM
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Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to a set of traffic lights. The lights were on red, but they just went straight on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the lights were on red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting really nervous.



At the next junction, sure enough, the lights were once again on red and they went straight through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Sylvia, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Sylvia turned to her and said, "Oh! What.....am I driving?"
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  #2840 (permalink)  
Old 02-15-2013, 03:31 PM
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This is NOT Senior Citizen Humor LMAO

Rumor is that this didn't make the cut for a Super Bowl Commercial, even tho it was filmed in N'Orlins.

Rhys Ifans vs. The Voodoo Mama - YouTube
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  #2841 (permalink)  
Old 02-17-2013, 12:25 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Better if done LIVE !

(Note: capitalized words indicate loud talking or shouting !)

One day this older couple was pulled over by a Nevada highway patrolman.

The old man was driving and the old woman was hard of hearing (I wouldn't know anything about that)

The patrolman asked the old man for his drivers license

The old woman screamed "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

The old man replied "HE WANTS TO SEE MY DRIVERS LICENSE"

Upon looking at the license the patrolman said "I see that you are from California ?"

The old lad shouted "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

The old man replied "HE SAID HE NOTICED WE WERE FROM CALIFORNIA !"

Then the patrolman said "I used to be married to a woman from there and she was the sorriest lover, the laziest and meanest woman on the plant !"

The old woman hollered "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

The old man replied "HE SAID HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU !"
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  #2842 (permalink)  
Old 02-17-2013, 06:09 PM
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Irish toast

Seamus hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" - and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.

In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, Seamus, what was your toast?"

So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."

The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"

She replied: "Aye - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".
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  #2843 (permalink)  
Old 02-17-2013, 06:18 PM
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the rich blonde

Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport.
She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't move at all. After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealer and they send out a technician.

The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the blonde and asks:
"Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?"

Full of anger, the blonde replies: "You fool, you idiot, how on earth you could ask such a question? I'm not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears,
I use D during the day and N at night."
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  #2844 (permalink)  
Old 02-17-2013, 11:16 PM
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A bunch of guys, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the waitresses were fit & wore miniskirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the food and service was good and the beer was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because they could dine in peace and quiet and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a lift for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because they had never been there before.

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  #2845 (permalink)  
Old 02-20-2013, 05:17 AM
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Whoever said 'technology will replace paper' has never tried wiping their butt with an iPad.
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  #2846 (permalink)  
Old 02-20-2013, 05:20 AM
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Whenever I'm sad, you're there.



Whenever I'm having problems, you're there.



Whenever my life seems out of control, you're always there.



Let's face it, you're bad luck!
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  #2847 (permalink)  
Old 02-20-2013, 06:56 AM
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IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.
I'm not sure the IRS finds ...that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says
Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
... The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and you'd be happy about it.
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  #2848 (permalink)  
Old 02-20-2013, 09:30 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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(Disclaimer: no disrespect intended here)

One time there was a Chinese feller that opened a restaurant in the Bronx of NY and it happened to be right across from a long time and well established Greek Restaurant. Every morning when they would unlock their doors the Greek would holler out
"Ha Soo Ling Foo how's yer Flench Flied Slimp?"
and it would make the Chinese owner very mad.

This went on for several months and finnaly one day there was a sign on the Chinese Restaurant's door that said "Temporarily Closed - - have decided to go back to school and learn how to speak proper English"

Well, several months went by and one day there was a sign saying:
GRAND OPENING
So the Greek dude was waiting for him the next day and sure enuff he shouts out:
"Ha Soo Ling Foo how's yer Flench Flied Slimp?"
and the Chinese owner shout back:
"My French Fried Shrimp is Absolutely Delicious - - - - - YOU CLAZY GLEEK"
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  #2849 (permalink)  
Old 02-20-2013, 01:06 PM
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parental guidence

A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why.

She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad.

His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.

Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
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  #2850 (permalink)  
Old 02-20-2013, 01:23 PM
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(reminds me of this oldie)

A very well endowed young lady lost her bikini top while swimming in the surf and was running back to the bath houses and at the same time trying to cover her bouncing breasts with just her arms.

A little boy sees her coming and shouts "Lady, if you're giving those puppies away, I want the one with the pink nose !"
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