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  #2851 (permalink)  
Old 02-21-2013, 02:28 AM
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Living In The Past
 
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Bad taste..:delete if needed...

Surely Oscar Pistorius can't be the first bloke to wake up legless on Valentine's Day after shooting a load into his girlfriend's face whilst imagining she was someone else?


Duke

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Last edited by thinwhiteduke; 02-21-2013 at 02:54 AM. Reason: Bad taste
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  #2852 (permalink)  
Old 02-21-2013, 04:46 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Cell Phone Etiquette ??

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his
cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the 6:30 and not the 4:30, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.
When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said
into the phone, "Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.
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  #2853 (permalink)  
Old 02-21-2013, 08:34 AM
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My wife thinks I'm crazy, but I'm not the one who married me.
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  #2854 (permalink)  
Old 02-22-2013, 12:07 AM
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A guy goes into a public toilet and on the wall he see's a message...."Beware of homosexuals".....

And there on the mirror, another message...."Beware of homosexuals"....

Way down low on the skirting board, another message..."Brace yourself. You were warned twice"..........
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  #2855 (permalink)  
Old 02-22-2013, 04:55 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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If it walks like a Duck ?

A well dressed and sophisticated Lady was in the lobby of a Big Hotel in New York waiting on the elevator.

The bellhop came up to her and said - "There's a wealthy gentleman over there that wants to know if you will sleep with him for a million dollars?"

The Lady blushes and replies "yes I will but it will have to be kept secret"

Then the bellhop asks "How about five dollars?"

The Lady angrily shouts "what do you think I am?"

The bellhop replies "we've already established that, now we're deciding on a price!"
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  #2856 (permalink)  
Old 02-22-2013, 09:31 AM
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More bucks, go faster!
 
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A tacky joke I'm ashamed of. BB

The teacher asks Little Johnny "Which body part goes to heaven first?"

Little Johnny replies "The feet miss"

So the teacher says "Why the feet?"

And Little Johnny says "Because when I go in my moms bedroom at night she has her legs in the air shouting 'Oh my God I'm coming'"


I told you so. BB
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  #2857 (permalink)  
Old 02-22-2013, 09:56 AM
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On no! Not another Little Johnny Joke!

One day in school, the teacher decides to play 20 questions.

So the teacher says "OK kids, I am thinking of something round, and red"

Little Suzy pipes up "I know, it's a tomato".

"No but you're thinking, it's an apple" replies the teacher.

So Little Johnny stands up, places his hand in his pocket and says "I am holding onto something that is round, hard, and has a head on it"

"Go to the principals office" says the teacher.

"No but you're thinking", say Johnny, "It's a quarter"

BB
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  #2858 (permalink)  
Old 02-22-2013, 01:16 PM
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the Irish priest

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas .

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackazz lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackazz lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."
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  #2859 (permalink)  
Old 02-25-2013, 10:01 AM
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Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.

Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted,

"Get me my brown pants."
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  #2860 (permalink)  
Old 02-26-2013, 04:24 AM
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As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauperís cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didnít stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didnít know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like Iíve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ĎAmazing Grace,í the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, ďI never seen nothiní like that before and Iíve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.Ē

Apparently, Iím still lostÖ

Itís a man thing.
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  #2861 (permalink)  
Old 02-26-2013, 04:16 PM
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A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain ...

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste!
Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles
from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.'


bb
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  #2862 (permalink)  
Old 02-27-2013, 09:10 AM
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A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans!" He replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them!" Insists the wife and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price!"



"Man down on aisle 5!!!"
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  #2863 (permalink)  
Old 02-27-2013, 11:19 PM
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Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in its mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in its mouth, I grabbed it right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. Its eyes rolled back, and it went limp. I released the snake into the lake without incident and carried on fishing, using the frog.

Not long after, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that damn snake ... with
two more frogs.

Life is good in the South
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  #2864 (permalink)  
Old 02-28-2013, 12:54 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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The tiny cabin !

A social worker from a big city in Massachusetts recently transferred to the mountains of West Virginia and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.

"Anybody home?" she asked.

"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the social worker.

"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.

"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker.

"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.

"But," protested the social worker, (thinking that surely she will need to intervene in this situation) "are you never together as a family?"

"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"
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  #2865 (permalink)  
Old 02-28-2013, 01:49 PM
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"I got fired today", I told my buddy, "For downloading porn on the work computer and causing everything to crash."

"That's a bit harsh!" He replied.

"They don't muck around at Air Traffic Control" I said.
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