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  #2896 (permalink)  
Old 03-13-2013, 01:05 PM
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Smart car problem............

see what happens when you have gas............
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  #2897 (permalink)  
Old 03-14-2013, 12:49 PM
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a bad day

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a really big, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me, so I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop the capsule in it, and was sitting here watching the poison dissolve when you show up and drink the whole thing!!
But enough about me, how's your day going?
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  #2898 (permalink)  
Old 03-14-2013, 12:52 PM
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trouble

A guy mentions to his wife he's heading out to the pool hall and grabs his coat.
She replies "Hold on, I'll go with you!" and runs to the bedroom to change.
The man protests, citing how his wife likes to dress like a slut, flirt with strange men, and starts trouble every time they go to bars.
Of course the wife pitches a fit and gets her way, and they head out the door, her in a skin tight miniskirt and halter top and him warning her to not start any trouble.

After an hour, just like usual she comes up to him while he's playing pool and demands he goes to the bar and punch the lights out of the guy she had been flirting with since they got there.

The guy keeps playing pool and asks his wife why he'd want to do something like that?
She says "Well, we were having a nice conversation then the guy started getting cruder and cruder and when he told me he wanted to fill my panties with ice cream and eat it out, well that was going too far! Give me three good reasons why you won't defend my honor!"

"Ok, I'll give you three reasons.
1. You have no honor, I'm always telling you if you dress like a slut, people will treat you like a slut!
2. I came here to relax, drink some beer, play some pool with my friends, and now you want me to go fight some guy I don't even know because of a situation you've gotten yourself into. And 3. I've seen your ***, I know your ***, and if there`s a guy big and nasty enough to eat all the ice cream that will fill YOUR panties,
I ain't gonna **** with him!"
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  #2899 (permalink)  
Old 03-15-2013, 08:21 PM
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One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you, " the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,"Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.
You'll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high."

BB
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  #2900 (permalink)  
Old 03-18-2013, 08:29 AM
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"Daddy, how do stars die?"
















"Drugs, usually!"
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  #2901 (permalink)  
Old 03-19-2013, 05:27 PM
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  #2902 (permalink)  
Old 03-21-2013, 05:48 AM
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Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?" The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?" From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
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  #2903 (permalink)  
Old 03-21-2013, 06:59 AM
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Pizza Joke # 2

A man wakes up and finds himself in a hospital room, one with only himself in it. He has no recollection of how he got there. While pondering it, his bedside phone rings, and he answers it. A doctor on the other end identifies himself, and tells the man: "I have really bad news. You're very sick. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests, and got the results back this morning. I'm afraid you have Avain flu, Ebola, and you're positive for HIV and hepatitis." Stunned, the man asks "Well, what's next!? What are you going to do?" The doc replies: "Well, for starters, we're putting you on a strict diet of only pizza." The patient asks: "Will that really help me, doctor?" "No", the doc responds. "But it's all we can fit under the door."

BB l
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  #2904 (permalink)  
Old 03-22-2013, 03:00 PM
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At 85 years of age, a somewhat senile Morris marries Luanne, a lovely 25-year-old.
Because her new husband is so old, Luanne decides that on their wedding night, she and Morris should have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that
her new husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities, Luanne prepares herself for bed, and for the expected "knock" on the door.
Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris takes
leave of Luanne, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Luanne hears another knock on her bedroom door. It's Morris! And he's again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Luanne consents
to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses Luanne, bids her a fond good night, and leaves. Luanne is set to goes to sleep again.
However, after a few short minutes, there is another knock at her door, andthere he is again... Morris, as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for a bit more
action. And again they enjoy one another.
As Morris is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age, honey, you have enough juice to go at it
three times. I've been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once. You're a great lover, Morris!"
Morris, looking somewhat befuddled, turns to Luanne and says... "WHAT?...You mean I was here already ?!"
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  #2905 (permalink)  
Old 04-03-2013, 12:04 PM
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  #2906 (permalink)  
Old 04-04-2013, 02:07 AM
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A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”






Duke
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  #2907 (permalink)  
Old 04-04-2013, 02:21 AM
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A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a ****** outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."
The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."
He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?"
The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"





Duke
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  #2908 (permalink)  
Old 04-04-2013, 10:19 AM
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Alligator Shoes A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting "I don't give two hoots for your shoes man, I'll go and kill my own "croc!," to which the shopkeeper replied, "by all means, just watch out for those two "ole boys" who are doing the same!". So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. 'They must be the 'ole boys' he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The guy stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer. Just as the beast was about to swallow the him, he struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several already laying Together the two guys threw the gator onto its back, where-upon one exclaimed "Darn! This one doesn't have any shoes either!".

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  #2909 (permalink)  
Old 04-06-2013, 06:53 AM
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  #2910 (permalink)  
Old 04-09-2013, 03:02 PM
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