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  #2911 (permalink)  
Old 04-09-2013, 03:09 PM
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Living At The Speed Of Life
 
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  #2912 (permalink)  
Old 04-09-2013, 03:15 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Job~Rated View Post
Yup - WAY too late - the Bush Family did it a long time ago
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  #2913 (permalink)  
Old 04-10-2013, 02:49 PM
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Kinda says it all.

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  #2914 (permalink)  
Old 04-11-2013, 08:22 AM
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Read it, liked it, stole it.

A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.

'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the hot shot.. 'Got any more tips for me?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw'.

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.

'You bet it will, ' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cuff-link off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner.

'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ***, and it won't hurt near as much.
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  #2915 (permalink)  
Old 04-11-2013, 10:05 AM
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Nother' Cowboy joke.

A city slicker bought a ranch out west where he intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.
"Well," said the would-be-cowboy. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J, my wife favored the Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy_Y."

"But, where are all your cattle?"

"None have survived the branding."

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  #2916 (permalink)  
Old 04-11-2013, 10:20 AM
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Gotta add one more.

A ventriloquist cowboy walks into town and sees an Old Friend sitting on his porch. He figures he'll have a little fun... Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?" Old Friend: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?" Dog: "Doin' alright." Old Friend: extreme look of shock

Cowboy: " Is this man your owner?" pointing at Old Friend. Dog: "Yep"

Cowboy: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play." Old Friend: look of disbelief.

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Old Friend: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?" Horse: "Cool." Old Friend: extreme look of shock

Cowboy: "Is this your owner? " pointing at Old Friend. Horse: "Yep"

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Old Friend: total look of amazement

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Old Friend: "Sheep Lie."

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  #2917 (permalink)  
Old 04-11-2013, 01:17 PM
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A big city doctor visits an Indian tribe full of men, he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"
"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you."

The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first."

The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc?" "We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women



Duke
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  #2918 (permalink)  
Old 04-15-2013, 12:30 PM
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Read it, Liked it, Stole it !

This couple go to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon and are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off, "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 57 times last year." The wife nudges her husband in the ribs and comments, "See! That was more than once a week!" The second bull is to be sold, "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year." Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's more than twice a week. What do you say to that?" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison. The third bull is up for sale, "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!" The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about you?" The husband was pretty irritated by now and yells back, "Sure, once a day! Great! But, you ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!"
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  #2919 (permalink)  
Old 04-15-2013, 12:44 PM
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Ha ha ha....good comeback!!



Duke
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  #2920 (permalink)  
Old 04-15-2013, 12:45 PM
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Wife says to me last night, "Take me somewhere expensive·.
So I took her to the gas station.
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  #2921 (permalink)  
Old 04-15-2013, 12:46 PM
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A man is in a hotel lobby. As he runs to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman and as he does, his elbow hits her breast.

They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 243."




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  #2922 (permalink)  
Old 04-15-2013, 12:46 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Wife says to me last night. "you never say you love me anymore" and I replied "what do you mean anymore?"
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  #2923 (permalink)  
Old 04-15-2013, 12:48 PM
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A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you.

Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"



Duke
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  #2924 (permalink)  
Old 04-15-2013, 12:51 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Wife says to me last night. "Why don't you wake me up and do what you used to do at midnight?" so at midnight I woke her up and told her I was going to make me a ham and chez on rye with hot mustard, did she want anything?
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  #2925 (permalink)  
Old 04-15-2013, 12:54 PM
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A construction worker is working on the 10th floor when he relizes he needs a saw so he looks down and sees a fellow worker. So not wanting to go back down, he waits till he looks up and points to his eye for (i), then points to his knee for (need) and moved his hand back and forth in a saw motion. The fellow worker then proceeded to pull down his pants whip his **** out and started masturbating ferociously. The worker on the 10th floor gets very angry goes down there and says, "What the f*ck are you doing!?" The guy says, "I just wanted to let you know that I'm coming."



Duke
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