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  #2926 (permalink)  
Old 04-15-2013, 02:04 PM
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A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm.
He walks up to his wife with it and says, "This is the pig I've been f*cking'."
His wife says, "That's a duck."
He quickly replies, "I wasn't talking to you."...



Duke

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  #2927 (permalink)  
Old 04-15-2013, 02:23 PM
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Wife says to me last night, "Take me somewhere expensive·.
So I took her to the gas station.
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  #2928 (permalink)  
Old 04-15-2013, 02:24 PM
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Delete double post.............
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  #2929 (permalink)  
Old 04-15-2013, 02:35 PM
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Man has a flat tire on the way home from work. Looks in the trunk, no jack. So he goes into a bar across the street and calls a shop to come change his tire. While he's waiting he has a beer. Good looking woman next to him starts chatting with him, buys him another beer. They have more drinks and flirt with each other. The guy comes in and tells him his tire has been changed, settles with him, and starts to go home. The gal he's been drinking with suggests that they go back to her place for a little fun. He obliges. Once they are in her apartment, she peels out of her clothes and starts pulling his off. They make wild passionate sex for the next three hours. Realizing how late it's become he gets dressed and tells her he has to go home. Just before leaving he asks her if she has any talcum powder. She gets some from the bath and he says "dump some on my hands". He rubs his hands together and brushes off the excess. Tells her thanks for the good time, maybe I'll see you later some time.
He gets in his car and drives home. His wife meets him at the door, mad as heck "Where have you been? Do you realize how late it is?" He calmly tells her about the flat, no jack, waits in the bar. She says "For over three hours - bull!" He tells her about the woman at the bar, buying him drinks. He tells her about the invite back to her place, and that once there they had wild sex for three hours. His wife looks him in the eye and says "Let me see your hands". He holds out his hands, she sees the talcum powder and says "You lying bastard, you've been shooting pool again!"
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  #2930 (permalink)  
Old 04-15-2013, 03:42 PM
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One day a Georgia state patrolman pulled a car over for speeding about 20 miles from the Florida line on I-95. When the officer asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to Jacksonville to do a show that night and didn't want to be late. The patrolman told the driver that he was fascinated by juggling and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The juggler told him that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The patrolman told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the patrolman got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled up behind the patrol car and a drunk got out and looked at the show, and then went to the patrol car, opened the back door and got in. The patrolman saw him do this and went over to his car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "Just go on and take me to jail..... there's no way in the world that I can pass that test."

BB
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  #2931 (permalink)  
Old 04-18-2013, 11:12 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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  #2932 (permalink)  
Old 04-19-2013, 02:31 AM
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Paddy rings the door bell at his new girlfriend's apartment.
He has a big bunch of flowers for her and is really excited about his visit.
She opens the door, sees the flowers and drags paddy inside. She lies back on the couch, pulls up her skirt, rips off her knickers and says "This is for the flowers"
Don't be silly, says Paddy. Surely you must have a vase somewhere.
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  #2933 (permalink)  
Old 04-19-2013, 02:40 AM
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I have been having an affair with a blind woman.
Wow........It's been wonderful.

But you wouldn't believe how hard it was to perfect her husbands voice.
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  #2934 (permalink)  
Old 04-19-2013, 02:48 AM
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My 1st time having sex. I suddenly stopped and didn't move.
She: "What are you doing?"
Me: "I've seen this on YouPorn, it's called Buffering.



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  #2935 (permalink)  
Old 04-19-2013, 03:00 AM
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Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl.
"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"
"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"



Duke

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  #2936 (permalink)  
Old 04-20-2013, 06:13 PM
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romance

Romance - is it dead?

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.?
I love you!

The husband, typically non-romantic, replied, I am on the toilet.?
Please advise
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  #2937 (permalink)  
Old 04-24-2013, 04:09 PM
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The World Economy Explained With Two Cows

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.



BUREAUCRATIC
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the
milk away.


TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.


VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters
of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all
four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to
a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who
sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on
one more.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has died.


A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you do not know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.



A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.


AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
Nobody believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your
country.
You still have no cows but at least you are now a Democracy.


AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.


A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.


A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows borrowed from French and German banks.
You eat both of them.
The banks call to collect their milk, but you cannot deliver so you
call the IMF.
The IMF loans you two cows.
You eat both of them.
The banks and the IMF call to collect their cows/milk.
You are out getting a haircut.



AN IRISH CORPORATION
You have two cows
One of them's a horse!
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  #2938 (permalink)  
Old 04-30-2013, 01:46 AM
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I was on vacation in Myrtle Beach and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read:

"I miss Chicago ."

So I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires, added an Obama bumper sticker and left a note that read,

"I hope this helps!"
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  #2939 (permalink)  
Old 05-01-2013, 02:07 PM
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Retirement is different for everyone..

Retirement is different for everyone..

One day, while going to the shop, I passed
by a retirement village. On the front lawn
were six old ladies, lying naked on the grass.
I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued
on my way.

On my return trip, I passed the same
retirement village with the same six old ladies
lying naked on the lawn.

This time my curiosity got the better of me and
I went inside to talk to the retirement village
Administrator, and asked her,
"Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on
your front lawn?""Yes," she said, "aren't they darlings? They're
retired prostitutes - they're having a yard
sale."
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  #2940 (permalink)  
Old 05-01-2013, 05:00 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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UPDATE ON SURGERY

Dear Family and Friends:

Most of you know our friend, Dorothy, who recently went in for a surgical
procedure.

It was for a B-u-t-t L-i-f-t at the WalMart Medical Center .

She didn't have the most pleasant experience.

She should've left well enough alone

I wanted to show you how it turned out.

I hope this keeps YOU from having this done.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE . . Don't get a B-u-t-t L-i-f-t at the WalMart Medical
Center .



You will most certainly regret it!!!
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