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  #2941 (permalink)  
Old 05-06-2013, 01:20 PM
wretched ratchet's Avatar
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A Man invited a buddy back home for dinner. When they get home, his wife, upset at not being notified begins yelling at him...

"I haven't done my hair, not to mention my make up, I haven't done any cleanup, let alone the dishes!

Besides, I'm not interested in doing any cooking! Why in the hell did you invite him over tonight?

The Man replies...
"Because he's thinking about getting married !"

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  #2942 (permalink)  
Old 05-08-2013, 07:20 AM
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  #2943 (permalink)  
Old 05-09-2013, 01:44 AM
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Saw this big fat woman walking down the street today.

She had a T-shirt on saying...I Love The HIP HOP...

Personally, I think the letters 'C' and 'S' must have fallen off.
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  #2944 (permalink)  
Old 05-09-2013, 10:30 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rossco View Post
Saw this big fat woman walking down the street today.

She had a T-shirt on saying...I Love The HIP HOP...

Personally, I think the letters 'C' and 'S' must have fallen off.
I donīt think Americanīs can relate to a Chip Shop.
Theyīd call it a "French Fries Outlet".

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  #2945 (permalink)  
Old 05-09-2013, 10:51 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rossco View Post
Saw this big fat woman walking down the street today.

She had a T-shirt on saying...I Love The HIP HOP...

Personally, I think the letters 'C' and 'S' must have fallen off.
Explanation about "chips" for our friends not in the good old U.S.A.
Last image is for our Canadian friends .

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  #2946 (permalink)  
Old 05-09-2013, 12:00 PM
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[quote=malc;1674281]I donīt think Americanīs can relate to a Chip Shop.
Theyīd call it a "French Fries Outlet".


At least he called them with an English/American spelling rather then pommes frites or papas fritas. Not much better food then a fry up with everything wrapped in newspaper (a tradition now gone by the nanny masters of the world)

From the ever popular Wikipedia (Wikipaedia in British??)
"French fries (American English, with "French" often capitalized),[1] or chips,[2] fries,[3] finger chips,[4] or French-fried potatoes are batons of deep-fried potato.[5] North Americans refer to any elongated pieces of fried potatoes as fries, while in the United Kingdom, Australia, Ireland and New Zealand, long, thinly cut slices of fried potatoes are sometimes called fries to distinguish them from the more thickly cut strips called chips.[6]

French fries are served hot and generally eaten as an accompaniment with lunch or dinner, or eaten as a snack, and they are a common fixture of fast food. French fries are generally salted, and in their simplest and most common form, are served with ketchup, though in many countries they are topped instead with other things, including vinegar, mayonnaise, or other local specialities. Fries can also be topped more elaborately, as is the case with the dishes of poutine and chili cheese fries. Sometimes fries are made with sweet potatoes instead of potatoes, are baked instead of fried, or are cut into unusual shapes, as is the case with curly fries, wavy fries or tornado fries."
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  #2947 (permalink)  
Old 05-09-2013, 08:16 PM
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Australian joke

A lady was telling her neighbour that she saw a man driving a pick-up truck down the M1, and a dog was hanging onto the tail gate for dear life!

She said if the Ute driver hadn't been going so fast in the other direction, she would have tried to stop him.

A few weeks later, her neighbour saw this Ute at the Bob Jane Tyre Mart on the Gold Coast !




The Ute driver is a local taxidermist with a great sense of humour!
Can you imagine how many people try and stop this guy...?????
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  #2948 (permalink)  
Old 05-10-2013, 09:45 AM
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A lion was getting married. At his wedding was a mouse shouting away and congratulating the lion
"All the best, my brother. Good luck."

Seeing the mouse shouting away claiming that the lion getting married is his brother, another Lion grabs the mouse in anger and asks:
"Who the hell do you think you are? How can a lion be your brother? You are only a mouse."


The Mouse replies:
"I too was a Lion before I got married."
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  #2949 (permalink)  
Old 05-13-2013, 01:14 AM
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Yesterday, my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time .

Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favourite topic of conversation .

She was "only thinking of me ," and suggested I go down to the senior centre and hang out with the guys .

I did this , and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club .

She said, "Are you nuts? You 're almost 81 years old , and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes ?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card ....


She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses ! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club , not a Parachute Club .."


I signed up for five jumps a week," I told her. She fainted.


Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier , but sometimes it can be fun !
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  #2950 (permalink)  
Old 05-16-2013, 02:13 AM
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A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the blind man's stick as he taps it on the sidewalk and says to him: "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies: "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up!"
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  #2951 (permalink)  
Old 05-18-2013, 11:23 AM
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In a mental institution, a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?" Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day, the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?" Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago." "Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously pleasuring himself. Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?" Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"
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  #2952 (permalink)  
Old 05-23-2013, 08:23 AM
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A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from a BBC in a 32 coupe when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...

"Try doing it with the engine running."
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  #2953 (permalink)  
Old 05-23-2013, 11:28 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wretched ratchet View Post
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from a BBC in a 32 coupe when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...

"Try doing it with the engine running."
Good one!

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  #2954 (permalink)  
Old 05-23-2013, 11:33 AM
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I am actually impressed by what Lance Armstrong has done......

When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike let alone ride it....

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  #2955 (permalink)  
Old 05-23-2013, 11:35 AM
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A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
They were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1: 00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,............'Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?
I'm awfully cold'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married'

'Wow! .............. That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.



'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own f***in' blanket.'

After a moment of silence, ..................... He farted.

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