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  #2956 (permalink)  
Old 05-23-2013, 01:10 PM
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What's E.T. short for ?



It's cos he's only got little legs..

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  #2957 (permalink)  
Old 05-24-2013, 05:57 AM
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This morning on the freeway, I looked over to my right and there was a
woman in a brand new VW Golf doing 75 mph with her face up next to her
rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily..
But she scared me so much I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the sandwich out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, which splashed and burned big jim and the twins",

Ruined the phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers!!
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  #2958 (permalink)  
Old 05-24-2013, 06:04 AM
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On January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge.
So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks
through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"
She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a
be-a-legend opportunity either, so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just
that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by
another one.

After they finished, George gets applause from his biker-buddies, the
onlookers, and even the State Trooper.
He says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

(It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed)
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  #2959 (permalink)  
Old 05-24-2013, 11:17 AM
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what kids say........

be careful what you tell your kids...........

This Ought to Make All Grandpas Feel All Warm and Fuzzy!!!

A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room.
"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "as soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog because mom said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney World!
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  #2960 (permalink)  
Old 05-28-2013, 06:26 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Shame shame, Emma !

Couldn't find the Commercial thread but this probably ain't a commercial anyhow - - - but it's danged sure funny !

The Paperless Future - "Emma"
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  #2961 (permalink)  
Old 05-28-2013, 08:14 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wretched ratchet View Post
Couldn't find the Commercial thread but this probably ain't a commercial anyhow - - - but it's danged sure funny !

The Paperless Future - "Emma"
As always, the project is not finished until the paperwork is done
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  #2962 (permalink)  
Old 05-28-2013, 02:26 PM
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Old 06-02-2013, 02:12 PM
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I got this teeshirt a long time ago, how about Y'all?
It's Not About the Nail on Vimeo
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Old 06-02-2013, 03:08 PM
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Originally Posted by wretched ratchet View Post
I got this teeshirt a long time ago, how about Y'all?
It's Not About the Nail on Vimeo
Holy crap, I had a few flashbacks after this video. Too funny but toooo true!

Malc, that video would give some kids nightmarea...funny stuff but creepy. I love it!
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  #2965 (permalink)  
Old 06-02-2013, 03:35 PM
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Malc, that video would give some kids nightmarea...funny stuff but creepy. I love it!
Angry television viewers complain about Ikea advert featuring 'slaughter' of garden gnomes
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  #2966 (permalink)  
Old 06-02-2013, 04:39 PM
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A Good Catholic Joke
The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mr. Obama and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....Show me!"
So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!

AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY!

Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
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  #2967 (permalink)  
Old 06-02-2013, 04:52 PM
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Poetry, male & female

A Woman's Poem:
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep. One who's handsome, smart, and strong. One who loves to listen long. One who thinks before he speaks. One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's gainfully employed, when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind. Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?' I pray that this man will love me to no end, always be my very best friend.

A Man's Poem:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with great boobs who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a s--t!
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  #2968 (permalink)  
Old 06-03-2013, 02:05 AM
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"When one door closes, another one opens".


Suffice to say, I won't be calling THAT carpenter again!
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  #2969 (permalink)  
Old 06-05-2013, 08:55 AM
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If insanity means doing the same thing over & over again & expecting different results, then I guess I'll stop doing the housework....
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  #2970 (permalink)  
Old 06-05-2013, 08:58 AM
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Not so, I tried it and believe me - - quitting is very painful
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