A cowboy rides up to the saloon. He dismounts, ties the horse to the post, then walks to the back of the horse, lifts up its tail, and gives it a long kiss right in the middle of its butt.
An old man standing outside the saloon sees this and asks the cowboy, "What did you do THAT for?"
Cowboy says, "I've got chapped lips."
Old man asks, "Does that cure 'em?"
Cowboy says, "No, but it sure keeps me from licking 'em."
I was feeling a bit depressed the other day, so I
called Lifeline, a local suicide prevention service.
Perhaps it's a sign of the times, but I was put through to a call center
outsourced in Pakistan. I explained that I was feeling
They were very excited at this news and wanted to know
if I could drive a truck or fly an airplane...
There is no arguing with cowboy logic. The
Sierra Club and the US Forest Service were
presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for
controlling the coyote population. It seems that
after years of the ranchers using the tried and true
methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator,
the tree-huggers had a 'more humane' solution. What
they proposed was for the animals to be captured
alive, the males castrated and let loose again and
the population would be controlled.
This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and
Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and
All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea
for a couple of minutes.
Finally, an old boy in the back stood up,
tipped his hat back and said, 'Son, I don't think
you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain't
f***in' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em.'
4 blondes walk into a bar and order the finest bottle of champagne that the bar has in stock.
The bartender obliges the ladies , and they proceed to their table , where they begin shouting "15 DAYS!!" and clinking their glasses.
After finishing the first bottle , the lead blonde goes back for another bottle , to which the bartender replies " if you tell me what you're celebrating , this bottle will be on the house" .
So the blonde says " well , you know how people are always saying that blondes are dumb? Well - we found a 25 piece puzzle that said 3-5 years , and it only took us 15 days!
Sick of the city, Tom buys 25 acres of land in the country. He goes into town once a month for groceries but other than that it is total peace and quiet.
After six months of solitude, a huge, bearded, toothless man knocks on the door.
"The names Bill, your neighbour from the other side of the valley." he tells Tom. "I'm having a party on Saturday night and thought you might like to come."
"Great" says Tom. "After all this time alone, I'm ready to enjoy some company."
"Gotta warn ya ,though," says Bill."there'll be some drinking."
"Fine by me." says Tom.
"And most likely some fighting too."
"I expect I can handle that." Tom replies.
"And there'll probably be some wild sex."
"Thats not really a problem." says Tom."I'm quite broad-minded. Now then, what should I wear?"
"Doesn't really matter. It'll just be you and me there."
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon
a preacher baptizing people in the river.
The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze.
Whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.'
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time.
He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No, I hav e not found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time
he holds him down for about 30 seconds.
When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up.
The preacher asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss' car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is
strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
model and only when it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
29: The only time two men are allowed to hold hands is if one is dangling over a cliff... and only then if family
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below.
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ***** and having the balls to say, "You're next."
A city guy moved into the country, and decided he was going to try his hand at raising chickens. He headed to the local farmers co-op and placed an order for 100 chicks. When they arrived a week later he started bragging to the old guy behind the counter about how big of a chicken farmer he'd eventually become--"bigger than Tyson Foods" he'd brag to the guys that would gather at the co-op. The following week he placed another order for chicks, only this time it was for 150. As he did so, he bragged even harder.
This routine kept going for 8 weeks, until one day he arrived at the co-op in a rather confused state. The guy at the counter asked him how it was going, and the city boy decided to really lay into the sales guy . He looked at the older man behind the desk, and around the packed lobby area, and said in the most brazen voice he could muster, "Well I just don't know what's going on. Those chicks must've been defective. Why they haven't grown at all, and it's all your fault."
Quite determined to get to the bottom of this, the older guy asked him why he felt it was 'defective chicks' since they appeared to be fine and healthy when he took delivery of them. The city boy got very loud and then announced, near the top of his lungs that he'd done everything right, and it was the fault of the co-op for his chicks not growing. Again the older man went on the defensive, just to get to the bottom of things.
After much persuasion, the city boy finally calmed a bit, and explained, "Well, maybe I watered them too much, or didn't plant them deep enough....."
In a while, Chet
A blonde was shopping and came across a silver Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was.
“That’s a Thermos,” the clerk said. “It keeps some things hot and some things cold.”
“Wow,” said the blonde. “That’s amazing. I’m going to buy it!”
So she bought the Thermos and took it to work the next day. As her boss walked by he noticed it on her desk.
“What do you have there?” he asked.
“Why, it's a Thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,” she replied.
Her boss inquired, “What do you have in it?”
The blond replied, “Two popsicles and some coffee.”
A man and his wife were driving along the back roads when they came upon a sign that said, "Airplane rides, next right." They decided to go check it out.
They turned off, drove for a bit and found an aerodrome with an old biplane parked in the middle of a field. The pilot greeted them as they got out of the car.
"How much for a ride?" asked the man.
"One hundred dollars." replied the pilot.
"That's a little steep." replied the man. "I don't think we can do it." And they walked back toward the car.
"Tell you what," said the pilot. "If you and your wife can go through the entire ride without so much as a peep, I'll let you have the ride for free."
"Agreed." said the man and he and his wife climed into the open cockpit and the pilot got in the front.
They took off. Once airborne the pilot swivved and swerved, looped and barrel rolled, stalled and spinned. In short, he gave the ride of his life.
As he landed, the pilot yelled over his shoulder, "I'm quite impressed it's the first time no one makes a sound on one of my rides. You're very brave."
"That may be so," the man yelled back. "But I almost screamed when my wife fell out."
Last edited by pigjamelectric; 11-16-2007 at 07:33 PM.
Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of
golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas
morning, roll out of bed and
without an argument, go directly to the golf course,
meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it!
We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there
they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune!
I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at
home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring
her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is
staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for
this golf game.
I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said,
'Well babe, Merry Christmas!
It's a great morning for either sex or golf." and she
said "Take a sweater."
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a beer and while he is drinking, the monkey jumps onto the bar and gobbles down a bowl of olives, a tray of sliced limes and bowl of nuts. Then he bounds onto the pool table and swallows down the cue ball.
"Crikey Moses"!! screams the bar tender. "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table- whole".
"That doesn't surprise me" replies the guy. " He'll eat just about anything."
Two weeks later the man and his monkey return and while the guy is sipping his beer, the monkey jumps up onto the bar where it finds a bowl of cherries. He picks up a cherry, looks it over then sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it. The bar tender is disgusted.
"Did you see that?" "Your monkey just stuck that cherry up his butt then ate it".
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me". replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but since that cue ball incident the other week, he has been measuring everything first."
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?' He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.' I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that .. in case I need to fix it again?'
Harold grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down .. I D 1 0 T
I used to like Harold. .
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