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  #286 (permalink)  
Old 04-08-2008, 02:39 PM
wretched ratchet's Avatar
one full turn after it squeeks
 
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my mouse has a little homemade mini-5-point harness that keeps me strapped in - doesn't yours

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  #287 (permalink)  
Old 04-09-2008, 07:56 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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W.R. and Billy Bob are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Billy Bob says,- - -

"I think I'm gonna divorce my wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

W.R. spits, sips his beer and says, "You'd better think it over, Billy Bob, 'cuz women like that are hard to find."
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  #288 (permalink)  
Old 04-09-2008, 01:07 PM
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An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
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  #289 (permalink)  
Old 04-09-2008, 02:46 PM
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Rick was in trouble.
He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really angry.
She told him 'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!'

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.
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  #290 (permalink)  
Old 04-09-2008, 02:56 PM
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re;visited again

Quote:
Originally Posted by rossco
Rick was in trouble.
He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really angry.
She told him 'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!'

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.
I've been married 30+ years,I totally understand. My wife used to go north to Nantucket to work for the summer,the first time she went,she didn't tell many people. One of her friends came over looking for her;I said she was in the back yard. She came back and said:"I can't find her." My reply;You have to go out to the big pine tree and dig down about 3 feet.(she loved it,I hope y'all do too) true story!!!
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  #291 (permalink)  
Old 04-09-2008, 03:03 PM
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This older fellow named Joe had a quite a reputation as an expert fisherman. All the townsfolk nicknamed him "the best fisherman in town".

Well, one day the county got a new game warden, and his curiosity got the better of him concerning Joe's reputation. So he asked Joe if he'd be willing to let him tag along the next time he went fishing. Old Joe says "Sure, we'll meet up at the lake at 5:30 A.M. tommorrow."


Come the next morning, the two of them meet up and get right out to the middle of the lake by 6:00. Joe opens the tackle box, pulls out a stick a dynamite and a match, lights the stick, and throws it into the lake. BOOM!! The blast sends all the fish in the vicinity floating to the top, and then Joe trolls around and starts to pick them up. The game warden looks at Joe and says, "I should haul you in for this. It's completely illegal, and you'll be fined heavily for it. Hopefully even some jail time."

Ole' Joe simply reached for another stick. Which he proceeded to light and pass off to the warden. Then he spoke, "I thought we came out here to do some fishing. So, are we going to go fishing, or are we going to talk politics?"



In a while, Chet.
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  #292 (permalink)  
Old 04-09-2008, 05:31 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are
chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That
night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask
over their eyes.

After a few days they meet up for lunch.

The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over
he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He
saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we
made love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his
office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes
and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we
had wild sex all night.

The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house
for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather
bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as
he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'
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  #293 (permalink)  
Old 04-10-2008, 06:49 AM
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The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of an enormous forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" Said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"
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  #294 (permalink)  
Old 04-11-2008, 08:52 PM
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It was announced today that Brett Favre is moving to Minnesota. When asked
why, he said after retiring he wanted to get as far away from professional
football as he could!


In a while, Chet.
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  #295 (permalink)  
Old 04-12-2008, 12:24 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by schnitz
It was announced today that Brett Favre is moving to Minnesota. When asked
why, he said after retiring he wanted to get as far away from professional
football as he could!


In a while, Chet.
Should be moving him to California, Oakland...San Francisco...L.A. Oh that's right, they're in St. Loius now.
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  #296 (permalink)  
Old 04-13-2008, 05:04 AM
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Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'
'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'
'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.
'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'
She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'
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  #297 (permalink)  
Old 04-13-2008, 08:38 AM
wretched ratchet's Avatar
one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Job~Rated
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'
'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'
'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.
'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'
She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'
NOT ME, I always get the last say, when the Wiff and I have an argument, - - - "YES MAM!"
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  #298 (permalink)  
Old 04-13-2008, 12:07 PM
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An old woman stopped me in the street and asked me to show her how to get to the hospital.
So I pushed her under a bus.



I wanted to ask my wife her honest view on sexist jokes.
But she was too busy ironing.



Saw my mate outside the Doctors today looking really worried.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"I've got the big C." He said.
"What, cancer?" I asked
"No", He replied, "Dyslexia."



I was reading in the paper the other day about penile enlargements. I had the operation done, but the problem was that it made my balls look small. I had them done too and then I realized that it made my knees look tiny. One thing led to another and now I'm fat.
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  #299 (permalink)  
Old 04-13-2008, 12:20 PM
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re;daily funny

I just read that Charlton Heston was laid to rest.R.I.P. BUT,that begs the question:Was he buried with his gun? OR;did smeone pry his dead, cold, fingers off it?
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  #300 (permalink)  
Old 04-16-2008, 08:20 AM
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re;daily funny revisited

Recycle time;What's another name for a lesbian.......a vagitarian......
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