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  #2986 (permalink)  
Old 06-23-2013, 08:58 PM
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Originally Posted by wretched ratchet View Post
That must be Abby Road, eh mate?
Or maybe the Auto Strasen?

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  #2987 (permalink)  
Old 06-23-2013, 11:01 PM
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You know there were rumours of a fifth 'Beetle'?
It must've been Herbie...
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  #2988 (permalink)  
Old 06-24-2013, 05:50 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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LMAO - - - brilliant
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  #2989 (permalink)  
Old 06-26-2013, 03:29 PM
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I'm ashamed of myself for laughing about this. It was sent to me by a Australian. It's not politically correct and I'll probably go to h**l for it BUT here it is.

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  #2990 (permalink)  
Old 06-29-2013, 08:29 AM
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I went to see a psychiatrist today. He told me I had a split personality & charged me $160.

So I gave him $80 & told him to see the other A-Hole for the rest.
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  #2991 (permalink)  
Old 06-29-2013, 03:50 PM
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Ain't it the truth!

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  #2992 (permalink)  
Old 07-01-2013, 01:13 AM
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I have CDO.

It's like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order.



Like they should be.
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  #2993 (permalink)  
Old 07-02-2013, 01:18 AM
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I can tell you exactly the very first time I had sex.

I still have the receipt
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  #2994 (permalink)  
Old 07-02-2013, 01:38 AM
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I made love for 6 hours straight last night.



....and I still couldn't think of anyone!
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  #2995 (permalink)  
Old 07-03-2013, 06:35 AM
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An attorney arrived home late after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Mr. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over, naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed
'For The Love of God Woman, Donít You Ever Stop?í
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  #2996 (permalink)  
Old 07-03-2013, 06:38 AM
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A second opinion or a headache cure

Second Opinion!

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need.. A new suit...'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..'

The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
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  #2997 (permalink)  
Old 07-03-2013, 10:08 AM
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I should have thought of this years ago!
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  #2998 (permalink)  
Old 07-03-2013, 10:52 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Irelands child View Post
A second opinion or a headache cure

Second Opinion!

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need.. A new suit...'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..'

The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
Boy that's a old one! I"ve been telling that one for the last 50 years!!

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  #2999 (permalink)  
Old 07-05-2013, 04:09 AM
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  #3000 (permalink)  
Old 07-05-2013, 07:45 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Came in from having a few with the boys and there was a note on the Frig that read:
"This just isn't working and I can't stand it anymore so I'm going to my Mothers"
I opened the Frig and the light came on and the beer was still cold - - - ??? wonder what's she's talking about???
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