A North Oklahoma Highway Department Offical stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."
The old farmer said, "OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there."
The Highway Dept. Offical flashed out his identification card and said, "I have the authority of the State of Oklahoma to go anywhere I want. See this card? I will go wherever I wish." So the old farmer went about his farm chores.
It wasn't too much later and the farmer heard loud screams and yelling.
He looked over and saw several State Officals running for their lives and right behind was the farmer's huge prize bull. The bull was madder than a hornet's nest and was gaining on the employee at every step.

The old farmer yelled out,
"Show him your card, Arsehole....
Show him your card!!"

In a while, Chet.

__________________
It's not what you take with you when you leave, it's what you leave behind you when you go.

My Monte Carlo Addicts site

A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together.

They get back to his place,

and as he shows her around his
apartment.

She notices that one wall of his
bedroom is

completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the
bedroom,

with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them

and she was immediately touched


by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.


There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf,

medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf,



and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy


to have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,


She is quite impressed by his
sensitive side.

but doesn't mention this to him.


They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and,


after awhile, she finds herself
thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips

He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion
builds,

and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom


where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.


She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,

more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,

they are lying there together in
the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her,

strokes her cheek,

looks deeply into her eyes,

and says:

'Help yourself to any prize

from the middle shelf"

I was walking past a mental hospital the other day,

and all the patients were shouting ,"13....13....13"

The fence was too high to see over,but I saw a little gap in

the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting "14....14....14"...

ROFL Tom

I knew I'd seen that one....

http://www.hotrodders.com/forum/-95...glepost258.html

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly, she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.


'They're mating,' her father replied.


'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.


'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.


'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' The little girl asked.


As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied, 'No dear. both of them are Daddy Longlegs'.

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.

'Well, we're not having any of that poofter crap in our garden!' She said.

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck at the same island.

The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.

That evening, the man introduced Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again...

He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to Hillary, cautiously and whispered in her ear... 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

Tom

Frank dies & in his will he stipulates he wants $40K spent on his funeral and the BULK of that was to be spent on the stone.

At the service, his widow and her best friend were talking and the friend asked, "Joan, if I may ask, what did this whole funeral cost?"

"40 grand", was the reply.

"40 GRAND!", her friend exclaims, "Honey, the service & reception were nice and all, but 40 GRAND???!!!

"Yes...$6,500 for the casket & the service itself...$500 for the caterer...$500 for the booze...and the rest for the stone."

Her friend does a little quick math (as I'm sure YOU have just done as well ) and says, " You spent $32,500 ON THE STONE????! HOW BIG IS IT???!"

The widow smiled and replied, "A little over 2 carats."

A boy catches his mom riding his dad & the mom says: "I'm just trying to flatten daddy's belly!"
The boy says: "It's no use, the sitter gets on her knees and blows him back up!"

Drafting Guys over 60

----this is so Funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier----

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ***-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. "My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry" We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some ******* that desperately deserves i t will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, "I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-*****.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We' ve been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic trai ning.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone out run a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old far ts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!

Share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so they can read it.

yeah,Brother, I resemble that joke. I agree,there ain't a terrorist on earth that can compare with a wife who greets you at the door at 6:00 am Tom

Maude and Claude both lived in "The Villages" in Florida.

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted.

They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.

Despite his age, they ended up at his place for an after-dinner drink.

Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....

Claude was thinking: 'If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler.'

Maude was thinking: 'If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my pantyhose.'

A husband and wife are shopping when the man picks up a
case of beer and sticks in into the shopping cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the
wife.

'They're on sale, only $10.00 for 24 cans', he
says. 'Put them back. We can't afford it,'
says the wife and they carry on shopping ...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20.00 jar of face
cream and sticks it into the cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,
'It's my face cream. It makes me look
beautiful,' she says.

The man replies... 'SO DOES 24 CANS OF BEER AND
IT'S HALF THE PRICE'