Since I'm qualified for this test.....
Redneck Driver's License Application
Age: ____ (If unsure, guess)
Sex: ____M ____F____Not sure
Last name: _________________
(Check appropriate box)
First name: First Name:
___Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
Shoe Size: ___Left ___Right
Spouse's Name: _________
Second Spouse's Name: _________
Third Spouse's Name: __________
Lover's Name: ___________
Second Lover's Name: _________
Relationship with spouse:
Number of children living in household: ____
Number of children living in shed: ____
Number of children that are yours: ____
Mothers Name: ____________
Father's Name: ____________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you ___own or ____rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
____ Total number of vehicles you own
____ Number of vehicles that still crank
____ Number of vehicles in front yard
____ Number of vehicles in backyard
____ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms and where you keep them:
Do you own a gunrack?
___Yes ____No; If no, please explain:
Model and year of your pickup: ___________ 194___
Newspapers/Maganizes you subscribe to:
____ The National Enquirer
____ The Globe
____ TV Guide
____ Soap Opera Digest
____ Rifle and Shotgun
____ Guns and Ammo
____ Number of times you've seen a UFO
____ Number of times you've seen Elvis
____ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
____ Number of times you've seen Elvis while in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
___ Not applicable
How far is your home from a paved road?
___ 1 mile
___ 2 miles
___ Don't know
___ What is a paved road?
In a while, Chet.
Clay Aiken undergoes a complete NEW makeover - - -??
That's not NEW, I saw it at Wimbelton a few years ago !
A blonde bought two horses and could never remember which was which.
A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again.
The neighbor suggested she notch the ear off one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart.
The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.
a gud in
I lay upon a grassy bank
my hands were all a quiver
I slowly undid her suspender belt
and her leg fell in the river
a short poem by sir paul mcCartney
How to Identify the Driver's Home:
One hand on the wheel, one on the horn: New York
One hand on the wheel, one finger out the window: Chicago
One hand on the wheel, one hand on the newspaper, foot solidly on gas pedal: Boston
One hand on the wheel, one hand in pants, cradling cell phone, brick on gas pedal: California* (*with gun in lap: L.A.)
Both hands on the wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake pedal, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California
Both hands in the air, gesturing, both feet on gas pedal, head turned to talk to someone in the back seat: Italy
One hand on a Latte, one knee on the wheel, cradling cell phone, one foot on the brake, mind on the game: Seattle
One hand on the wheel, one hand on a hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the gas pedal and on the brake pedal, throwing a McDonald's bag out the window: Texas city male
One hand on the wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping the speed at a steady 70 mph, driving down the center of the road (unless coming around a blind curve-- in which case they are on the left side of the road):Texas country male
One hand constantly refocusing the rear view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between the mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep teh helmet hair going, both feet on the gas pedal, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver (with mother of pearl inlaid handle) in the glove box: Texas female
Both hands on the steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear view mirror for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado
One hand on the steering wheel, yelling and cursing, the other hand waving a gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to go back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as to not litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plates
In a while, Chet.
International Pun Contest :
Here are the ten first place winners in the International Pun Contest:
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my Electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. 'But why?', they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said,' I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to Spain , they name him 'Juan'; the other went to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'
8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to 'persuade' them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
re;daily funny abused
Last edited by sprecher48; 05-09-2008 at 02:48 PM. Reason: more misspelling
Tom, that was even worse than this one.....
How many mosquitoes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
2. But I want to know how they got in there......
In a while, Chet.
St. Peter is at the Pearly Gates checking up on the people waiting to enter Heaven. He asks the next one in line "So, who are you, and what did you do on Earth?"
The fellow says "I'm Barack Obama and I was the first black man to be elected President of the United States."
St. Peter says "The U.S.? A black President? You gotta be kidding me! When did this happen?!?"
And Obama says "About twenty seconds ago!"
Yeah - but they're fun
Well, should we go off into limericks? There was a young lady named Myrtle,who had quite an affair with a turtle,what was more phenomenal, her swelling abdominal,proved to Myrtle the turtle was fertile. Tom
Limericks are great!
There once was a man from Lyme
Who used to like writing a rhyme
But the trouble, you see
Was so clear to me
He always put too many words in the last part & it never sounded right
re; daily funny revisited
OOOOOH! I know I'll be spanked for this: there was an old man of Kent,whose crank was so long it bent, to save himself trouble, he bent it up double,and instead of c**ing ,he went. Apologies to tptb. Tom
re; bad limerick
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