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  #346 (permalink)  
Old 05-08-2008, 07:49 AM
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Since I'm qualified for this test.....

Redneck Driver's License Application

Age: ____ (If unsure, guess)
Sex: ____M ____F____Not sure
Last name: _________________

(Check appropriate box)
First name: First Name:
___Billy-Bob
___Billy-Joe
___Billy-Ray
___Billy-Sue
___Billy-Mae
___Billy-Jack
___Bobby-Ellen
___Bobby-Lee
___Bobby-Ann
___Bobby-Jo
___Bobby-Sue
___Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Shoe Size: ___Left ___Right

Occupation:
___Farmer
___Mechanic
___Hair Dresser
___Waitress
___Un-employed
___Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: _________
Second Spouse's Name: _________
Third Spouse's Name: __________
Lover's Name: ___________
Second Lover's Name: _________
Relationship with spouse:
___Sister
___Aunt
___Brother
___Uncle
___Mother
___Son
___Father
___Daughter
___Cousin
___Pet

Number of children living in household: ____
Number of children living in shed: ____
Number of children that are yours: ____

Mothers Name: ____________
Father's Name: ____________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you ___own or ____rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
____ Total number of vehicles you own
____ Number of vehicles that still crank
____ Number of vehicles in front yard
____ Number of vehicles in backyard
____ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms and where you keep them:
____ Truck
____ Kitchen
____ Bedroom
____ Bathroom
____ Shed

Do you own a gunrack?
___Yes ____No; If no, please explain:

Model and year of your pickup: ___________ 194___

Newspapers/Maganizes you subscribe to:
____ The National Enquirer
____ The Globe
____ TV Guide
____ Soap Opera Digest
____ Rifle and Shotgun
____ Guns and Ammo

____ Number of times you've seen a UFO
____ Number of times you've seen Elvis
____ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
____ Number of times you've seen Elvis while in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
___ Weekly
___ Monthly
___ Not applicable

How far is your home from a paved road?
___ 1 mile
___ 2 miles
___ Don't know
___ What is a paved road?





In a while, Chet.

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  #347 (permalink)  
Old 05-08-2008, 03:51 PM
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  #348 (permalink)  
Old 05-08-2008, 04:05 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Clay Aiken undergoes a complete NEW makeover - - -??



That's not NEW, I saw it at Wimbelton a few years ago !

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  #349 (permalink)  
Old 05-08-2008, 04:46 PM
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A blonde bought two horses and could never remember which was which.

A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again.

The neighbor suggested she notch the ear off one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart.

The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.
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  #350 (permalink)  
Old 05-08-2008, 10:37 PM
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a gud in

I lay upon a grassy bank
my hands were all a quiver
I slowly undid her suspender belt
and her leg fell in the river



a short poem by sir paul mcCartney
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  #351 (permalink)  
Old 05-09-2008, 06:44 AM
schnitz's Avatar
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How to Identify the Driver's Home:

One hand on the wheel, one on the horn: New York

One hand on the wheel, one finger out the window: Chicago

One hand on the wheel, one hand on the newspaper, foot solidly on gas pedal: Boston

One hand on the wheel, one hand in pants, cradling cell phone, brick on gas pedal: California* (*with gun in lap: L.A.)

Both hands on the wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake pedal, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California

Both hands in the air, gesturing, both feet on gas pedal, head turned to talk to someone in the back seat: Italy

One hand on a Latte, one knee on the wheel, cradling cell phone, one foot on the brake, mind on the game: Seattle

One hand on the wheel, one hand on a hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the gas pedal and on the brake pedal, throwing a McDonald's bag out the window: Texas city male

One hand on the wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping the speed at a steady 70 mph, driving down the center of the road (unless coming around a blind curve-- in which case they are on the left side of the road):Texas country male

One hand constantly refocusing the rear view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between the mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep teh helmet hair going, both feet on the gas pedal, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver (with mother of pearl inlaid handle) in the glove box: Texas female

Both hands on the steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear view mirror for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado

One hand on the steering wheel, yelling and cursing, the other hand waving a gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to go back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as to not litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plates



In a while, Chet.
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  #352 (permalink)  
Old 05-09-2008, 01:11 PM
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International Pun Contest :

Here are the ten first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my Electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. 'But why?', they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said,' I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to Spain , they name him 'Juan'; the other went to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to 'persuade' them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
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  #353 (permalink)  
Old 05-09-2008, 02:45 PM
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re;daily funny abused

Quote:
Originally Posted by Irelands child
International Pun Contest :

Here are the ten first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my Electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. 'But why?', they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said,' I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to Spain , they name him 'Juan'; the other went to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to 'persuade' them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Boo,Hiss. a pun is the lowest form of humor There was a latin fireman named Juan, his wife had twin boys,of course they named the firstborn Jose'. What did they name the second? Of course it was Hose B. Even worse,The mobster's sister had twins,a boy and a girl,when asked their names, he said the girl was named denise, when asked the boy's name he said,Danephew. OMG, I'm ashamed of myself for that. Sorry, to all powers that be. Tom

Last edited by sprecher48; 05-09-2008 at 02:48 PM. Reason: more misspelling
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  #354 (permalink)  
Old 05-09-2008, 02:49 PM
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Tom, that was even worse than this one.....


How many mosquitoes does it take to screw in a light bulb?






2. But I want to know how they got in there......

In a while, Chet.
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  #355 (permalink)  
Old 05-10-2008, 01:08 PM
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St. Peter is at the Pearly Gates checking up on the people waiting to enter Heaven. He asks the next one in line "So, who are you, and what did you do on Earth?"

The fellow says "I'm Barack Obama and I was the first black man to be elected President of the United States."

St. Peter says "The U.S.? A black President? You gotta be kidding me! When did this happen?!?"

And Obama says "About twenty seconds ago!"
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  #356 (permalink)  
Old 05-10-2008, 01:13 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sprecher48
Boo,Hiss. a pun is the lowest form of humor ....................Tom

Yeah - but they're fun

Dave W
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  #357 (permalink)  
Old 05-10-2008, 04:42 PM
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re;Daily funny---Revisited

Well, should we go off into limericks? There was a young lady named Myrtle,who had quite an affair with a turtle,what was more phenomenal, her swelling abdominal,proved to Myrtle the turtle was fertile. Tom
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  #358 (permalink)  
Old 05-10-2008, 04:54 PM
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Limericks are great!


There once was a man from Lyme
Who used to like writing a rhyme
But the trouble, you see
Was so clear to me
He always put too many words in the last part & it never sounded right
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  #359 (permalink)  
Old 05-10-2008, 07:05 PM
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re; daily funny revisited

OOOOOH! I know I'll be spanked for this: there was an old man of Kent,whose crank was so long it bent, to save himself trouble, he bent it up double,and instead of c**ing ,he went. Apologies to tptb. Tom
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  #360 (permalink)  
Old 05-10-2008, 07:08 PM
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re; bad limerick

Quote:
Originally Posted by sprecher48
OOOOOH! I know I'll be spanked for this: there was an old man of Kent,whose crank was so long it bent, to save himself trouble, he bent it up double,and instead of c**ing ,he went. Apologies to tptb. Tom
tptb= the powers that be. Tom
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