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  #361 (permalink)  
Old 05-10-2008, 07:53 PM
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Little Miss Muffett
Crouched on her tuffett
Collecting her shell shocked wits
There dropped from a glider
An H-bomb beside her
And blew Miss Muffett
To bits



There was a man from Cabocket
Who tried to build a rocket
The rocket went bang
His balls went clang
And he found
His c**ck in his pocket

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  #362 (permalink)  
Old 05-10-2008, 09:29 PM
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re; daily funny revisited

OMG I've released the limerick bomb! my sincere apologies,NOT!!! Tom
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Old 05-10-2008, 11:15 PM
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This comes straight out of the Readers Digest. I love corny jokes..


"Where is everybody?", the cowpoke asked.

"They've all gone to watch Brown Paper Pete hang", says a bystander.

"Why do they call him that?", asks the cowboy.

"Well, he always wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper shirt, and brown paper trousers. "

"Really,' says the cowboy, "and what are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling".
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Old 05-10-2008, 11:40 PM
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Old mother Hubberd
Went to the cupboard
To fetch poor Rover
A bone
But when she bent over
Rover took over
And gave her
A bone of his own
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  #365 (permalink)  
Old 05-11-2008, 06:46 PM
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I think Moses wrote that last one .... possibly Adam .
Here's how an Engineer expains "Women" to his son :

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  #366 (permalink)  
Old 05-12-2008, 07:26 AM
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A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."


In a while, Chet.
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Old 05-13-2008, 06:19 AM
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An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago....."



In a while, Chet.
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  #368 (permalink)  
Old 05-13-2008, 09:28 AM
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Chili Cook-Off

Chili Cook-Off


If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.
This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction
of the third judge is even better. For those of you
who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.


They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time
Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion
of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named
Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off. The original person
called in sick at the last moment and I happened to
be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call
came in.
I was assured by the other two judges
(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became
Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:


CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.
Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is
this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway.
Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst .
one.. These Texans are crazy.


CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
jalapeņo tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers
to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides
pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in
more beer when they saw the look on my face.


CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting
Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
more beer before I ignite.

Barmaid pounded me on the
back, now my backbone is in the front part of my
chest. I'm getting chit-faced from all of the beer.


CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of
a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to
burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing
behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to
look HOT .... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili
an aphrodisiac?


CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use
more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a
strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring
off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted,
and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant
seemed offended when I told her that her chili had
given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the
pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It
really ticks me off that the other judges asked me
to stop screaming. Screw them.


CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of
peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself
when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.
No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my
butt with a snow cone.


CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance
on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally
threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.
**I should take note that I am worried about Judge #
3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth,
pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've
lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it
is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My
pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least
during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful.
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I
need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.


CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice
blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to
declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced
chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most
of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor
feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot
chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report





R
__________________
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"Illegitimis non carborundum"
Don't let the bastards grind you down!

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  #369 (permalink)  
Old 05-13-2008, 10:01 AM
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funny

that is funny.probably true with verry little changes.
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  #370 (permalink)  
Old 05-13-2008, 10:48 AM
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fast on the trigger

"fast on the trigger"




A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands money.

Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'

The man replied 'Yes sir, I did.'



At this, the robber shot him, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing nearby and asked the man, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'

The man calmly replied, 'No sir, I didn't,







...but my wife did!





R
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  #371 (permalink)  
Old 05-13-2008, 07:59 PM
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re; daily funny------revisited--again

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rob Keller
Chili Cook-Off


If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.
This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction
of the third judge is even better. For those of you
who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.


They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time
Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion
of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named
Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off. The original person
called in sick at the last moment and I happened to
be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call
came in.
I was assured by the other two judges
(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became
Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:


CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.
Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is
this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway.
Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst .
one.. These Texans are crazy.


CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
jalapeņo tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers
to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides
pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in
more beer when they saw the look on my face.


CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting
Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
more beer before I ignite.

Barmaid pounded me on the
back, now my backbone is in the front part of my
chest. I'm getting chit-faced from all of the beer.


CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of
a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to
burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing
behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to
look HOT .... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili
an aphrodisiac?


CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use
more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a
strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring
off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted,
and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant
seemed offended when I told her that her chili had
given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the
pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It
really ticks me off that the other judges asked me
to stop screaming. Screw them.


CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of
peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself
when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.
No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my
butt with a snow cone.


CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance
on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally
threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.
**I should take note that I am worried about Judge #
3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth,
pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've
lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it
is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My
pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least
during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful.
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I
need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.


CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice
blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to
declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced
chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most
of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor
feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot
chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report





R
Rob;I laughed until I had tears rolling down my cheeks,then I farted,rolled over and pulled the chili pot down on top of me! Tom
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  #372 (permalink)  
Old 05-13-2008, 11:28 PM
dinger's Avatar
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Bill Clinton started jogging near his
new home in Chappaqua.

But on each run he happened to jog
past a hooker standing on the same
street corner, day after day.

With some apprehension he would brace
himself as he approached her for what
was most certainly to follow.

'Fifty dollars!' she would cry
out from the curb.

'No, Five dollars!' fired back Clinton .

This ritual between Bill and the
hooker continued for days.

He'd run by and she'd yell,
'Fifty dollars!'

And he'd yell back,
'Five dollars!'

One day however,
Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her
husband on his jog!

As the jogging couple neared the problematic
street corner, Bill realized the 'pro' would
bark her $50 offer and Hillary would
wonder what he'd really
been doing on all his past outings.

He realized he should have a
darn good explanation
for the junior Senator.

As they jogged into the turn that would
take them past the corner,

Bill became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough,
there was the hooker!

Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes
as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled..








See what you get for five bucks!?'
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  #373 (permalink)  
Old 05-14-2008, 05:23 AM
schnitz's Avatar
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A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.


In a while, Chet.
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  #374 (permalink)  
Old 05-14-2008, 12:13 PM
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Good nuff fer me

Last edited by Bad Rat; 05-15-2008 at 06:38 PM.
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Old 05-15-2008, 02:10 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wretched ratchet
I was walking past a mental hospital the other day,

and all the patients were shouting ,"13....13....13"

The fence was too high to see over,but I saw a little gap in

the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting "14....14....14"...



Quote:
Originally Posted by Job~Rated

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bad Rat
MENTAL HOSPITAL

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day and all the patients were shouting, "13....13....13."...

The fence was too high to see over but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through it to see what was going on.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting "14....14....14"...

Yep, there it is again...!
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