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  #376 (permalink)  
Old 05-15-2008, 03:35 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Job~Rated
Yep, there it is again...!
........ but it's still funny

Try this one .................

How smart is your right foot ? ?


Just try this. It is from an orthopedic surgeon...........
This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't. It's preprogrammed in your brain!

1. WITHOUT anyone watching you (they will think you are NUTS......) and while sitting where you are at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand . Your foot will change direction.

I told you so!!! And there's nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how dumb it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.

Dave W

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  #377 (permalink)  
Old 05-15-2008, 03:44 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Job~Rated
Yep, there it is again...!
Maybe we should just number them

Anyone remember that Bunkhouse numbering joke????
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  #378 (permalink)  
Old 05-15-2008, 05:12 PM
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A travelling salesman is heading across country when his car breaks down.
He's in the middle of nowhere & there's no signal on his cell.
He scours the horizon for a telephone, but all he can see is what looks like a chapel in the distance.
He begins walking toward it & as he gets closer, he notices some wording above the wrought iron gate which reads 'Monastery'.
"Monks love to help people", he thinks to himself, so he pulls the cord to ring the bell.
After a while, a monk appears & offers him refreshment while he listens to the salesman's plight.
"Forgive me, my son", says the monk, "But we do not have the tools you require, nor a telephone. However, Brother MacPherson is heading into town tomorrow & he'll be happy to bring help back with him. Meanwhile, why don't you make yourself comfortable & I'll arrange a room for you to stay over night. Dinner will be served in the main hall at 8".
The salesman thanks the monk & makes the most of his predicament by taking himself a bath.
Eight o'clock arrives & all the monks assemble for dinner, accompanied by their salesman friend.
When dinner is finished, there is a few minutes silence & all of a sudden, one of the monks says: "47!" & the rest of them burst out laughing. The salesman looks puzzled.
Once the laughter dies down, a second monk says: "190!" and the laughter begins again, only this time it's much louder & intense.
The salesman looks even more puzzled.
After they settle down, another monk says: "89!" and again, there are guffaws of laughter for what seems like ages.
The salesman is unable to understand what's going on & finally, his curiosity gets the better of him. He turns to the monk whom he befriended at the start & asks what the significance of the numbers is. The monk explains that their order is founded upon humor & that laughter is good for the soul. All the monks love a good joke, but since it takes too long to tell jokes & still have time to do their chores, they simply memorize them all, give them each a number & when that number is called, they remember it & laugh accordingly.
The monk then says: "Why don't you give it a try? Just say a number & watch what happens".
The salesman not wanting to offend, obliges the monk & calls out: "741!"
There is a deathly silence.
Then, one or two monks start to chuckle. Within seconds, all the monks are chuckling. The chuckling becomes laughing & before long, the whole room is in fits of laughter, with many of the monks actually crying.
It goes on for ages & the salesman starts to become a little concerned. He turns to the monk again, shaking his laughing shoulder to get his attention & asks: "What have I done?"
The monk turns, wipes the tears from his eyes & says:









"They haven't heard that one before!"
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  #379 (permalink)  
Old 05-15-2008, 07:40 PM
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Where? ,, where? I don't see it???
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  #380 (permalink)  
Old 05-16-2008, 05:47 PM
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A man's car stalled on a country road one morning. When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow.

Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. The amazed man told the farmer his story.

"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer. "Yes, yes," the man replied.

"Oh! I wouldn't listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She doesn't know a thing about cars."



In a while, Chet.
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  #381 (permalink)  
Old 05-18-2008, 04:29 PM
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Dear Wretched Ratchet,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV as usual. I hadn't driven my 1955 Chevy Nomad more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.

I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with the neighbor girl. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor girl is 22. We have been married for 10 years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having a affair for the past 6 months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job 6 months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely Shiela



Dear Shiela,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and the hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approches solve the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburator float chamber.

I hope this helps,

Regards, Wretched Ratchet

P.S. If you end up with the Nomad after the divorce and would like to sell it, please give me a call.
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  #382 (permalink)  
Old 05-20-2008, 07:07 AM
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St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."

"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires...."



In a while, Chet.
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  #383 (permalink)  
Old 05-20-2008, 10:24 AM
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An Amish farmer, walking through his field,
notices a man drinking from his pond with his hand.

The Amish man shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen."
(Which, when translated, means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have crapped in it.")

The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish.
Speak English, YOU INFIDEL !"

In perfectly clear English, the Amish man says: "Use both hands and You'll get more."
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  #384 (permalink)  
Old 05-20-2008, 02:00 PM
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Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods
turns to Wonder and says, 'How's the singing career
going?'

Stevie Wonder replies, 'Not too bad. How's the golf?'

Woods replies, 'Not too bad, I've had some problems
with my swing, but I think I've got that right now.

Stevie says, 'I always find that when my swing
goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and
not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it
seems to be all right.'

Tiger says, 'You play golf?'

Wonder says, 'Oh, yes, I've been playing for years.'

Woods says, 'But you're blind. How can you play golf
if you can't see?'

Wonder replies, 'I get my caddie to stand in the
middle of the Fairway and call to me. I listen for
the sound of his voice and play the ball towards
him Then, when I get to where the ball is, the
caddie moves to the green or farther down the
fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.'

'But how do you putt?' asks Woods.

'Well,' says Stevie, 'I get my caddie to lean down
in front of the hole and call to me with his head on
the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.'

Woods asks, 'What's your handicap?'

Stevie says, 'I'm a scratch golfer.'

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, 'We've got to
play a round sometime.'

Wonder replies, 'Well, people don't take me
seriously, so I only play for money, and never play
for less than $10,000 a hole.'

Woods thinks about it and says, 'OK, I'm game for
that, when would You like to play?'

Stevie says, 'Pick a night'
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  #385 (permalink)  
Old 05-20-2008, 03:38 PM
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re,re,re; daily funny revisited

Quote:
Originally Posted by Irelands child
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods
turns to Wonder and says, 'How's the singing career
going?'

Stevie Wonder replies, 'Not too bad. How's the golf?'

Woods replies, 'Not too bad, I've had some problems
with my swing, but I think I've got that right now.

Stevie says, 'I always find that when my swing
goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and
not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it
seems to be all right.'

Tiger says, 'You play golf?'

Wonder says, 'Oh, yes, I've been playing for years.'

Woods says, 'But you're blind. How can you play golf
if you can't see?'

Wonder replies, 'I get my caddie to stand in the
middle of the Fairway and call to me. I listen for
the sound of his voice and play the ball towards
him Then, when I get to where the ball is, the
caddie moves to the green or farther down the
fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.'

'But how do you putt?' asks Woods.

'Well,' says Stevie, 'I get my caddie to lean down
in front of the hole and call to me with his head on
the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.'

Woods asks, 'What's your handicap?'

Stevie says, 'I'm a scratch golfer.'

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, 'We've got to
play a round sometime.'

Wonder replies, 'Well, people don't take me
seriously, so I only play for money, and never play
for less than $10,000 a hole.'

Woods thinks about it and says, 'OK, I'm game for
that, when would You like to play?'

Stevie says, 'Pick a night'
I was once asked if I had seen stevie wonder's new piano? No, I haven't,I replied. Well, neither has he!
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  #386 (permalink)  
Old 05-21-2008, 08:16 AM
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The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery.
You are welcome here as long as you like,
but you may not speak until directed to do so. "

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years
before the Priest said to her,
"Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years.

You may speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said,
"Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said,
"We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest.
"You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine,
and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery,
the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine in to his office.
"You may say two words today."
"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

"It's probably best," said the Priest,
"You've done nothing but b**ch since you got here"
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  #387 (permalink)  
Old 05-21-2008, 06:43 PM
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re; Daily funny... Revisited

Quote:
Originally Posted by wretched ratchet
Maybe we should just number them

Anyone remember that Bunkhouse numbering joke????
After reaching into the shrivelled,prune like recesses of my brain, I came up with: an old cowboy is out riding trhe line when a sudden storm hits. He slouches into the wind until he comes across a bunkhouse. He beats on the door and another old cowhand answers.He's invited in and offered a cup of coffee, as he drinks it the other cowboys in the room start calling out numbers;#36,they all crack up,next guy says:# 82,again there is near hysteria. The old man asks: what is so goldurned funny about a bunch of numbers? His host replies:we've heard each other's jokes so many times we now just use their numbers,so we don't have to tell the entire joke,why don't you try it? Call out number #45 and see what happens? So, the old man stands up and yells out number 45,there is dead silence. He turns to his host and asks; what happened? His host said;well,you know,some folks can tell a joke and some can't! Tom
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  #388 (permalink)  
Old 05-21-2008, 07:13 PM
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This makes me wish I had a mule....


A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"



In a while, Chet.
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  #389 (permalink)  
Old 05-21-2008, 07:42 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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First Cowboy Joke don't have a chance

A fellow from Texas is talking to a Rancher from Montana and the Rancher from Montana says - - - "It takes me 5 days by horseback to ride the fence on my ranch" and the Texan replies - - - "Yup, I know whatcha mean, I had a horse like that once!"
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  #390 (permalink)  
Old 05-21-2008, 09:29 PM
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I've often been asked, "What do you old guys do now that you're retired?"

Well...I'm fortunate to have a friend who has a chemical engineering background, and one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer, wine, bourbon, and martinis into urine.

And, we're pretty damn good at it!!"
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