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  #391 (permalink)  
Old 05-23-2008, 10:03 AM
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(I can relate to this one )

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.

'I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that .... In case I need to fix it again?'

Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T


I used to like Eric.............

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  #392 (permalink)  
Old 05-23-2008, 01:07 PM
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An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards..."


In a while, Chet.
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  #393 (permalink)  
Old 05-24-2008, 11:28 AM
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You're Getting Older When...

You're Getting Older When...

You're Getting Older When...
- You and your teeth don't sleep together.- Your back goes out, but you stay home.
- You wake up, looking like your driver's license picture.
- When your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore but justholds you up to the light.
- When a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest you.
- When you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.
- When your wife says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" andyou answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
- Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
- When you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
- You know you're getting old when your semi-annual erection becomes an annual semi-erection!
- It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
- Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
- Happy hour is a nap.
- When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure that the street is still there.
- Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
- It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
- Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.
- The pharmacist has become you new best friend.
- It takes twice as long to look half as good.
- The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.
- You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that they were on your head all the time.
- You get two invitations to go out on the same night, and you pick the one that gets you home the earliest.
- You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.
- You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't care any more.
- You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
- You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.
- You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
- You don't know real embarrassment until your hip sets off a metal detector.
- Let's face it, traveling just isn't as much fun when all the historical sites are younger than you are.
- Every time you suck in your gut, your ankles swell.
- You're suffering from Mallzheimer's disease. You go to the mall and forget where I parked my car.
- Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multi-vitamin.
- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
- It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
- If you've never smoked, you can start now and it won't have time to hurt you.
- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
- Your eyes won't get much worse.
- Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.
- Things you buy now won't wear out.
- No one expects you to run into a burning building.
- There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
- Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
- In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
- You're sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.
- You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of campers form a circle and start singing "Kumbaya."
- Someone compliments you on your layered look.... and you're wearing a bikini.
- You start video taping daytime game shows.
- You wonder why you waited so long to take up macramé.
- At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.
- Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
- Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
- It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
- You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.
- You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.
- You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."
- You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
- You look both ways before crossing a room.
- You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
- You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.
- You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.
- Your childhood toys are now in a museum.
- Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.
- The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... come back in style.
- All of your favorite movies are now re-released in color.
- The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.
- You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
- Your back goes out more than you do.
- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
- You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
- You are proud of your lawn mower.
- Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn't breaking any laws.
- Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
- You sing along with the elevator music.
- You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
- You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
- You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
- You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
- Neighbors borrow your tools.
- People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
- You have a dream about prunes.
- You send money to PBS.
- The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
- You take a metal detector to the beach.
- You wear black socks with sandals.
- You know what the word "equity" means.
- You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
- Your ears are hairier than your head.
- You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
- You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
- You got cable for the weather channel.
- You can go bowling without drinking.
- You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
- Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
- You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.
- Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
- Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
- Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
- You look forward to a dull evening.
- Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
- You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
- You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
- You don't remember when your wild oats turned to prunes and all bran.
- You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.
- You don't remember being absent minded.
- "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative.
- Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
- Tying one on means fastening your Medic Alert bracelet.


Now, how many of you recognize some or most of these symptoms of encroaching age??

Dave W
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  #394 (permalink)  
Old 05-24-2008, 11:55 AM
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Only one thing to say, Dave, "OUCH"
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  #395 (permalink)  
Old 05-24-2008, 12:18 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wretched ratchet
Only one thing to say, Dave, "OUCH"
...and since I'm older'n you, how do you think I feel?


Dave W
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  #396 (permalink)  
Old 05-24-2008, 04:30 PM
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Farmer or Rancher?
"Croutons on a Cow Pie"
by Baxter Black

There is a distinction in the livestock business between ranchers and farmers.
But how does a city slicker tell the difference? I have some guidelines that should be helpful.

1. Ranchers live in the West. Except beet growers in Idaho, cotton farmers in Arizona, prune
pickers in California and wheat producers in Montana. Farmers live east of Burlington, Colorado.
Except for cattle ranchers in the Sandhills of Nebraska, cracker Cowboys in Florida, Flintills
Cowmen in Kansas and mink ranchers in Michigan.

2. Farmers wear seed company caps except when they're attending the PCA banquet, the annual
cattlemen's meeting or going on a tour to a foreign country. Ranchers wear western hats except
when they're roping, puttiing up hay or feeding cows at 30* below zero.

3. Ranchers wear western boots except when they're irrigating and sleeping. Farmers wear
western boots except when they go to town.

4. Farmers work cows afoot, on a tractor, a three wheeler, a motorcycle, in the pickup, snowmobile,
road grader, canoe or ultralight. Virtually any motorized contraption except a horse. Ranchers
work cows horseback.

5. Farmers can identify grass. Ranchers have trouble distinguishing grass from weeds and
indoor-outdoor carpet. Farmers think grass is green. Ranchers think it is yellow.

6. Ranchers haul their dogs around in the pickup and pretend they are stock dogs. Farmers
usually leave their pets at home.

7. Farmers think a rope is good for towing farm equipment, tying down bales and staking the milk
cow along the highway. A rancher's rope hangs on the saddle horn and is only thrown at critters.

8. A rancher wouldn't be caught dead in overalls. A farmer never wears a scarf or spurs.

9. Farmers complain about the weather, the market, the government, the banker, taxes, county
roads, the price of seed, equipment, veterinary work, pickups, tires and kids. So do the ranchers.

Now that I've made it perfectly clear, let's assume you see a man on Main Street in Enid, Oklahoma.
He's wearing western boots, a seed corn cap and has a pocketful of pencils. He's driving his pickup
complete with a dog, a saddle and a three wheeler in the back. Which is he, a farmer or a rancher?

He's either a rancher on his way to a roping or a famer coming back from the flea market. The only
way to be sure is to examine his rope. If it has more than two knots in it, then he's a farmer.
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  #397 (permalink)  
Old 05-26-2008, 02:35 AM
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Paddy owns a small zoo & his only Gorilla, a female, has been getting real broody & frustrated.
Paddy has spent days on the phone to all his contacts to try & locate a male mate to satisfy her, but to no avail.
He's in the pub mulling over his predicament, when in walks his old mate Seamus, a real strapping fella about 6'2" & 300lbs.
Paddy explains to Seamus over a few pints of Guinness the problem about the Gorilla & says:
"So, Seamus, how'd yer fancy doing me a favour & sorting out my Gorilla?"
Seamus is shocked & taken aback at this proposal, so Paddy plies him with a few more pints of Guinness.
"It's $500!" Exclaims Paddy.
"I'll have to think about it". Says Seamus.
A few more pints of Guinness & finally, Seamus agrees.
"I'll do it, but only on 3 conditions".
"That's great!" Says Paddy. "What are your 3 conditions?"
Seamus replies:
"1. Absolutely noone must know about this".
"Sure thing!" Responds Paddy.
"2. Absolutely no kissing - I can't be doing that!"
"No worries!" Cries Paddy.
"What's your third condition?" Paddy asks.
Seamus replies:
"You'll have to give me a few days to get the $500 together!"
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  #398 (permalink)  
Old 05-29-2008, 07:55 PM
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Why are wedding dresses white?

Why are wedding dresses white?

IT MUST HAVE BEEN A VERY BRAVE MAN WHO WROTE THIS!!!!!!



IT'S EVEN A BRAVER ONE WHO FORWARDS IT !!!!!!!

Son asked his mother the following question:

"Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and replies,

"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,



"Son, all household appliances come in white."



{To all the ladies Its a joke!}



R
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  #399 (permalink)  
Old 05-29-2008, 08:20 PM
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passing of an icon

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important American, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokie Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. People all over the world recognize his contribution to children's music.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in and then the trouble started.

cheers russ
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  #400 (permalink)  
Old 05-30-2008, 08:38 AM
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe,
look toward sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically
speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially
billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What's it tell you, Tonto? '

'You dumber than buffalo crap.
It mean someone steal the tent. '
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  #401 (permalink)  
Old 05-30-2008, 09:07 PM
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While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Barack Obama and his bid to be our President.

The old rancher said,"Well, ya know, Obama is a 'post turtle'."

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.

The old rancher said,"When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'."

The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain.

"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just want to help the dumb arse get down."
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  #402 (permalink)  
Old 05-31-2008, 06:34 PM
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COME ON DOWN TO THE FARM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xzp0S3yO1QA
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  #403 (permalink)  
Old 06-01-2008, 07:03 PM
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FUNNY funny

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted.....






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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  #404 (permalink)  
Old 06-02-2008, 10:40 PM
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One day, long, long ago.......
there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or *****.


But this was a long time ago.......

and it was just that one day.

The End
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Old 06-03-2008, 05:08 PM
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Post Turtle

Post Turtle


While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher, whose hand
was caught in a gate while working cattle...

The doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our President.

The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a post turtle'.'

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.

The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.'

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain. '

You know he didn't get up there by himself,
he doesn't belong up there,
he doesn't know what to do while he is up there,

and you just wonder what kind of a dumb arse put him
up there to begin with.'

AMEN





R
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