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  #406 (permalink)  
Old 06-03-2008, 05:29 PM
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A Texas farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?

The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?


In a while, Chet.

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  #407 (permalink)  
Old 06-04-2008, 02:55 PM
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(you know who you are)

There is a story of a man who died and went to heaven to find two signs above two different lines.

One sign said: "ALL THOSE MEN WHO HAVE BEEN DOMINATED BY THEIR WIVES, STAND HERE." That line of men seemed to stretch off through the clouds into infinity.

The second sign read: "ALL THOSE WHO HAVE NEVER BEEN DOMINATED BY THEIRWIVES, STAND HERE."

Underneath the sign stood one man.

He went over to the man, grabbed his arm and said, "What's the secret, how did you do it? That other line has millions of men and you are the only one standing in this line."

The man looked around with a puzzled expression and said, "Why, I am not sure I know. My wife just told me to stand here."
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  #408 (permalink)  
Old 06-04-2008, 03:18 PM
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daily funny----revisited

Quote:
Originally Posted by wretched ratchet
(you know who you are)

There is a story of a man who died and went to heaven to find two signs above two different lines.

One sign said: "ALL THOSE MEN WHO HAVE BEEN DOMINATED BY THEIR WIVES, STAND HERE." That line of men seemed to stretch off through the clouds into infinity.

The second sign read: "ALL THOSE WHO HAVE NEVER BEEN DOMINATED BY THEIRWIVES, STAND HERE."

Underneath the sign stood one man.

He went over to the man, grabbed his arm and said, "What's the secret, how did you do it? That other line has millions of men and you are the only one standing in this line."

The man looked around with a puzzled expression and said, "Why, I am not sure I know. My wife just told me to stand here."
All I kin say is; YEEEEEEE-HAWWWWWW Tom
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  #409 (permalink)  
Old 06-04-2008, 05:39 PM
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A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"

His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."

The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"



In a while, Chet.
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  #410 (permalink)  
Old 06-05-2008, 03:18 PM
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upon second thought you are correct - - - bad choice on my part - - - solly
.

Last edited by wretched ratchet; 06-05-2008 at 03:40 PM.
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  #411 (permalink)  
Old 06-05-2008, 03:34 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wretched ratchet
POEM - Illegal Immigrants

I cross the Ocean, poor and broke, Take bus, see employment folk.

Nice man treat me good in there, Say I need go see Welfare.

Welfare say, "You come no more, We send cash right to your door."

Welfare checks, they make you wealthy, Medicaid it keep you healthy!

By and by, Got plenty money, Thanks to you, TAXPAYER dummy.

Write to friends in motherland, Tell them 'come, fast as you can'

They come in turbans and Ford trucks, I buy big house with welfare bucks.

They come here, we live together, More welfare checks, it gets better!

Fourteen families, they moving in, But neighbor's patience wearing thin.

Finally, white guy moves away, . .
I buy his house, and then I say, "Find more aliens for house to rent."

In my yard I put a tent.

Send for family they just trash, .
But they, too, draw welfare cash!

Everything is very good, Soon we own whole neighborhood.
We have hobby, it called breeding, Welfare pay for baby feeding.

Kids need dentist? Wife need pills?
We get free! We got no bills!

TAXPAYER crazy! He pay all year, To keep welfare running here.

We think America darn good place!

Too darn good for white man race.

If they no like us, they can scram, Got lots of room in Pakistan .
.
I guess that would be funny if your a illegal beanimmigrant.

That just makes me want to load my guns & volunteer on the borders.

That would just make me a Murderer .







R
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  #412 (permalink)  
Old 06-05-2008, 06:47 PM
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A husband and wife are shopping when the man picks up a case of Budweiser and sticks it in the shopping cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale today. Only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.

"Put them back. We can't afford it," she says and they continue shopping.

A little later, the wife picks up a $20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the man.

"It's face cream," she says. "It makes me look beautiful."

Hubby snorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser, and it's half the price!"

Whack.
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  #413 (permalink)  
Old 06-05-2008, 07:30 PM
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Since we finally have our candidates sorted out, how about a little political humor?

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."


In a while, Chet.
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  #414 (permalink)  
Old 06-05-2008, 07:33 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wretched ratchet
upon second thought you are correct - - - bad choice on my part - - - solly
.
Yeah - this is supposed to be the FUNNY section.
I have serious issues with Illegal Immigrants right now , and as funny as that poem was , it's not funny at all .
I heard a commercial on the radio today that the border patrol is looking for help.
I'm applying.
(It was a funny poem , though.)
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  #415 (permalink)  
Old 06-06-2008, 06:46 PM
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A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "when did you bag him?"

The host said, "that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife."

"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.

"My wife."





In a while, Chet.
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  #416 (permalink)  
Old 06-07-2008, 09:51 AM
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Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Journal

... I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; alI I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish thecommode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than decade.

If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine ...'.. and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor writer !

"if you don't find this absolutely "Hilarious" then you are too young to be posting on this Forum"
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  #417 (permalink)  
Old 06-07-2008, 03:07 PM
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Since today marks the 11th year of "wedded bliss" for me and mine, here's a bit of Anniversary humor... (along with a few of my own thoughts...)


Top ten things not to say on your Anniversary

10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.

9. Today is our what? (funny thing is at some point or another in 11 years, we've both said this... One year I had to change "today" to "last Thursday")

8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?

7. I thought we only celebrated important events?

6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband. ( When I read this list to my wife, she thought that was a great idea... )

5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought "why bother?". (I do this ever year. One of these days she'll kill me for it...)

4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's. (I'd do that but I'd need to find a 3 dollar gift certificate...) ***** I'm not serious on that thought. I have a great wife and I know it.*****

3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.

2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up. (I treat my wife like royalty. Like tonight. I'm taking her to Burger King and then to Dairy Queen...)

1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love. (Dratt.... Now I've got to think of something romantic on exceptionally short notice.....)



In a while, Chet.
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  #418 (permalink)  
Old 06-07-2008, 04:01 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by schnitz
Since today marks the 11th year of "wedded bliss" for me and mine, here's a bit of Anniversary humor... (along with a few of my own thoughts...)


Top ten things not to say on your Anniversary

10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.

9. Today is our what? (funny thing is at some point or another in 11 years, we've both said this... One year I had to change "today" to "last Thursday")

8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?

7. I thought we only celebrated important events?

6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband. ( When I read this list to my wife, she thought that was a great idea... )

5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought "why bother?". (I do this ever year. One of these days she'll kill me for it...)

4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's. (I'd do that but I'd need to find a 3 dollar gift certificate...) ***** I'm not serious on that thought. I have a great wife and I know it.*****

3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.

2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up. (I treat my wife like royalty. Like tonight. I'm taking her to Burger King and then to Dairy Queen...)

1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love. (Dratt.... Now I've got to think of something romantic on exceptionally short notice.....)



In a while, Chet.

First of all "Happy Anniversary" and Condolences to the Missus

If you are still posting tomorrow then we will know that your Wiff appreciates your SOH as much as we do - - - Have Fun
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  #419 (permalink)  
Old 06-07-2008, 06:09 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wretched ratchet
upon second thought you are correct - - - bad choice on my part - - - solly
.
It was not my intention for you to remove your post.
I am sorry you did .

This is America. you have the right to say/post almost anything you like.

I guess its just that subject & a few more are really getting under my skin as of late.

To me it would be funny ifI could put some distance between that & I.


Please accept my apology.

~~~~~~~~~

I got this in my E mail too:

Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Journal

funny stuff!


Rob
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  #420 (permalink)  
Old 06-07-2008, 06:41 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rob Keller
It was not my intention for you to remove your post.
I am sorry you did .

This is America. you have the right to say/post almost anything you like.

I guess its just that subject & a few more are really getting under my skin as of late.

To me it would be funny ifI could put some distance between that & I.


Please accept my apology.

~~~~~~~~~

I got this in my E mail too:

Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Journal

funny stuff!


Rob
Hey, Rob, no apology necessary - - - sometimes even an old phart needs some "Visine" on occasion - - - the Dave Barry was just too funny not to post - - - I remember my ex standing at the patio door with that jug in her hand saying "They can send a man to the moon - - - so why can't they make this "chit" taste good?"
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