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  #421 (permalink)  
Old 06-07-2008, 07:02 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wretched ratchet
First of all "Happy Anniversary" and Condolences to the Missus

If you are still posting tomorrow then we will know that your Wiff appreciates your SOH as much as we do - - - Have Fun

I think she appreciates my SOH plenty. She must. Why, every time she looks at me, she just bust out laughing....




In a while, Chet.

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  #422 (permalink)  
Old 06-09-2008, 01:25 AM
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1. When I was born, I had a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I can't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate - an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

9. Virginity can be cured.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.......

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life? A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact ? A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives !!!
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  #423 (permalink)  
Old 06-10-2008, 06:01 AM
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A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But, officer," the man began, "I can explain"

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say"

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom....."



In a while, Chet.
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  #424 (permalink)  
Old 06-10-2008, 04:16 PM
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This one came to me while filling the lawnmower with ga$oline today.

Remember when we used to pour up a gallon or so of ga$oline in our own special parts cleaning pan and clean our greasy tools???? but now it's cheaper to buy new tools than to clean them with ga$oline
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  #425 (permalink)  
Old 06-11-2008, 06:10 PM
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Alcohol is bad for your legs.

Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself :
Man: 'May I buy you a cocktail?'
Maxine: 'No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs.'
Man: 'Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?'
Maxine: 'No, they spread.'
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  #426 (permalink)  
Old 06-11-2008, 06:17 PM
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Funniest blonde joke ever? Nah.

4 blondes go into a bar and order the finest bottle of champagne in the house.
They commence toasting loudly "15 DAYS!!!" then they'd slam their champagne down and high-five each other -- - really celebrating.
So when the bottle runs empty , they go back for another one and the barkeep replies " This one's on the house if you'll tell me what this '15 days' is that you're celebrating."
So the blonde tells him "Everybody always says that us blondes are so dumb. Well, the four of us found a puzzle that said '3-4 years' and it only took us 15 days!"
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  #427 (permalink)  
Old 06-16-2008, 07:45 AM
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For the wives....

The Buttocks

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty. One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.

He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek..."



In a while, Chet.
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  #428 (permalink)  
Old 06-16-2008, 06:01 PM
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A picture is worth a 1000 words, right ?

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  #429 (permalink)  
Old 06-20-2008, 02:09 PM
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A Republican in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, 'Is that Jesus sitting over there?' The waitress nodded 'yes,' so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, 'Is that Jesus over there?' The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, 'My treat.'

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, 'Hey there, honey! How's about getting' me a cold glass of Miller Light?' He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, 'Is that God's boy over there?' The waitress once more nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold glass of beer. 'On my bill,' he said.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, 'For your kindness, you are healed.' The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, 'For your kindness, you are healed.' The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.


Then Jesus walked towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, 'Don't touch me ... I'm collecting disability.'
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  #430 (permalink)  
Old 06-20-2008, 05:43 PM
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This is a hoot, but I expect the minister didn't appreciate it.
A minister was completing a Temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."Smile, life is too short not to!!
If this brightened your day
Don't let it stop here
Pass it on with a smile
Keep spreading the Cheer. See you at the river.
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  #431 (permalink)  
Old 06-22-2008, 04:50 PM
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A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane And screamed,

'I'm too young to die,' she cried. Then she yelled,
'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be
Memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a man from Minnesota named Lars stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.
Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped...

Then, he spoke... 'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'
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  #432 (permalink)  
Old 06-23-2008, 05:55 PM
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Finally a car joke !

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on The verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where Skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and Became an auto mechanic. He found out from the local technical college
What was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently And learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, The gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with Tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had
Obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor
Saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I Wondered if there has been an error that needs adjusting?"

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly,
Which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together
Again perfectly which is also worth 50% of the mark." The instructor went on to
Say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler.
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  #433 (permalink)  
Old 06-25-2008, 01:49 PM
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Have you ever heard that a dog 'knows' when an earthquake is about to hit?

Have you ever heard that a dog can 'sense' when a tornado is stirring up, even 20 miles away?

Do you remember hearing that before the December tsunami struck Southeast Asia, dogs started running frantically away from the seashore, at breakneck speed?

Do you know that dogs can detect cancer and other serious illnesses and danger of fire?

Somehow they always know when they can 'go for a ride' before you even ask and how do those dogs and cats get home from hundreds of miles away?

I'm a firm believer that animals - and especially dogs - have keen insights into the Truth.

And you can't tell me that dogs can't sense a potentially terrible disaster well in advance

Simply said, a dog just KNOWS when something isn't right .. . when impending doom is upon us . . they'll always try to warn us.... !!
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  #434 (permalink)  
Old 06-26-2008, 08:16 AM
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Ever wonder why "The Women's Temperance Union" of 1919
DIDN'T WORK ? ? ?

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  #435 (permalink)  
Old 07-01-2008, 06:31 AM
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Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says " Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is?"

The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says " There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll l throw it in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

And the old farmer said " Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission! "
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