I stumbled across this gem from former board regular Madd Syntst and thought it was too funny not to bring back. I'll have more fresh stuff in a day or two...


In a while, Chet.

__________________
It's not what you take with you when you leave, it's what you leave behind you when you go.

My Monte Carlo Addicts site

I rear-ended a car this morning . . . . .

So, there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the
Car . . .

And you know how you just get sooo stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny? Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . He was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So I look down at him and said...

'Well, which one are you then?'




. . . And that's when the fight started . . .

Six dwarfs in a bath feeling happy, so happy got out,
and all they felt grumpy.

A pirate walks into a bar, sits down at the counter and orders a beer.

The guy beside notices he's got something stuffed in the front of his pants.

"What do have in your pants?" asks the guy.

Pirate says, "It's a steering wheel, maytee."

Guy asks "Isn't it kind of uncomfortable?"

"Arrr" replies the pirate, "It drives me nuts."

A guy walked into a bar............said ouch

When a woman wears a leather dress,
A man's heart beats quicker,
and his throat gets dry,
he goes weak in the knees,
and he begins to think irrationally.


Ever wonder why?




Because
she smells
like a new truck!

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A young woman was sunbathing, nude, on top of a condominium complex where she lived. During her sunbathing she fell asleep and got to dreaming and rolled around and fell from the roof. She landed flat on her back, spread eagled, killing her instantly. Immediately a crowd gathered and local minister came by and saw the people eyeing the totally naked young woman. He quietly took his hat off and placed it over her private part. About that time a drunk staggered throught the crowd and looked down at the young naked woman and then he saw the hat. After a few moments he shouted "Don't just stand there - - - pull him out"

I just had to clean my monitor on that one, , gotta love those blonde yokes!!!

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the
porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully...the bells are not always audible!

Reminds me of an old rooster we had on the farm. He was so old that his "performances" were nothing to crow about...


In a while, Chet.

__________________
It's not what you take with you when you leave, it's what you leave behind you when you go.

My Monte Carlo Addicts site

Jeff Foxworthy on Upstate NY!

1. If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 36 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Upstate New York.

2. If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights a year because Saranac Lake is the coldest spot in the nation, and Syracuse gets more snow than any other major city in the US, you might live in Upstate, NY.

3. If your local Dairy Queen is closed from October through May, you might live in Upstate New
York

4. If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of the year, you might live, bundled up, in Upstate New York.

5. If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you might live in Upstate NY.

6. If your suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of your forehead, you might live in Upstate New York.

7. If you have worn shorts and a parka on the same day, you might live in Upstate New York.

8. If you have had a lengthy phone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Upstate New York.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE UPSTATE NEW YORKER WHEN:

9. "Vacation" means going South past Syracuse or Albany for the weekend.

10. You measure distance in hours.

11. You know several people who have hit deer more than
once while driving.

12. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.

13. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.

14. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

15. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend/wife knows how to use them.

16. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit
over a snowsuit.

17. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

18. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction.

19. You can identify a southern or eastern accent.

20. Down South to you means Poughkeepsie or Binghampton.

21. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new dog house.

22. You go out for a fish fry every Friday.

23. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to
frost.

24. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

25. You find 10 degrees "a little bit chilly."

26. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Upstate New York friends and to those who used to live here and left.

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room watching TV and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
Well, she got up, yanked me from my recliner, unplugged the TV, and tossed out my beer. I'm going to miss her.......


A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his front porch. She said to him, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look. So, what's your secret for a long, happy life?"
He answered, "I smoke 3 packs of cigarettes a day, and I also drink a case of whiskey a week, and I never exercise."
"Wow, that's truly amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?"
"Twenty six," he said.


In a while, Chet.



Dear Santa, Define "Naughty".....

__________________
It's not what you take with you when you leave, it's what you leave behind you when you go.

My Monte Carlo Addicts site

Malc,


In a while, Chet.



Dear Santa, Define "Naughty".....

__________________
It's not what you take with you when you leave, it's what you leave behind you when you go.

My Monte Carlo Addicts site

A husband is sitting in his armchair about to watch the big match. He's clumsily flicking peanuts in the air & trying to catch them in his mouth. His head is going this way & that & he's acting like a goalkeeper at a training session, when one of the nuts lands in his ear.
Unable to retrieve it with his fingers, he suggests his wife get one of her knitting needles to try & dislodge the thing, but to no avail.
"I know!" Exclaims the wife. "I'll fetch our daughter's boyfriend from upstairs. He's ever so clever, he'll know what to do".
The wife hurries upstairs, fetches the lad down & explains what's happened.
The young man comes down & shoves two fingers up the husband's nose & with his other hand, shoves a finger in the unblocked ear & says:
"Now, keep your mouth closed & blow as hard as you can!"
The husband does what he says & sure enough, the offending nut shoots out across the room.
The lad disappears back upstairs & the wife says: "See, I told you he was clever - what do you think he'll be when he leaves college?"
"Well", replies the husband, "Judging from the smell of his fingers, our future son-in-law, I reckon!"