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  #436 (permalink)  
Old 07-01-2008, 08:01 AM
malc's Avatar
Living At The Speed Of Life
 
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Two guys out walking and one falls into a disused mineshaft...........plop.
The other turns around shocked, goes to the hole and shouts down, "Are you injured ?"
The reply comes up, "Okay apart from broken arms and legs".
The guy at the top hollars down, "IŽll drop the rope down and you grab it in your teeth, IŽll haul you up".
After awhile the guy at the bottom manages to grap the end of the rope in his teeth and the one up top hauls away.
Just as the guys face appears at the rim the hauler upper guy asks,
"You okay ?"
"Yes".

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  #437 (permalink)  
Old 07-01-2008, 08:22 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by malc
Two guys out walking and one falls into a disused mineshaft...........plop.
The other turns around shocked, goes to the hole and shouts down, "Are you injured ?"
The reply comes up, "Okay apart from broken arms and legs".
The guy at the top hollars down, "IŽll drop the rope down and you grab it in your teeth, IŽll haul you up".
After awhile the guy at the bottom manages to grap the end of the rope in his teeth and the one up top hauls away.
Just as the guys face appears at the rim the hauler upper guy asks,
"You okay ?"
"Yes".
man, am I slow this morning - - - had to read it twice - - ROFLMAO
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  #438 (permalink)  
Old 07-02-2008, 01:32 AM
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A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy". The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me." "He sure is, lady," the Captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
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  #439 (permalink)  
Old 07-02-2008, 06:52 AM
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So, I was talking to this little girl Catherine, the daughter of some friends, and she said she wanted to be President some day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there with us - and I asked Catherine - "If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?"

Catherine replied - "I would give houses to all the homeless people."

"Wow - what a worthy goal you have there, Catherine." I told her, "But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and clean up all the dog poop in my back yard and I will pay you $5 dollars. Then we can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $5 dollars to use for a new house."

Catherine (who was about 4) thought that over for a second, while her Mom looked at me seething, and Catherine replied, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and clean up the dog poop and you can just pay him the $5 dollars?"

And I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party!"
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  #440 (permalink)  
Old 07-07-2008, 07:15 AM
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At an intersection in Houston, Texas, a lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from California and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston , Texas . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy' s expense.

The deputy says," License and registration, please."

"What for?" says the lawyer.

The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming"

"You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please."

The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

"The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law License and registration, please!" the Deputy says.

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"
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  #441 (permalink)  
Old 07-08-2008, 06:47 AM
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(I'd hire this kid if he wasn't already going to be a politician )

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some idiot wants to buy a half head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Oklahoma, sir." the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Oklahoma?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but harlots and football players down there.

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Oklahoma."

"Really?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
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  #442 (permalink)  
Old 07-10-2008, 03:18 PM
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Obama and the motorcycle ride.........

Mrs Obama bought a new Harley for herself for christmas, she told Barak to hop on the back and she would take him for a ride,he put on his leather jacket,and off they went,a little later he told her to stop,im freezing,she said take off your jacket,and put it on backwards and ill zip it up,away they go,now barak is warm,wife slid out on a curve and the bike went upside down.the ambulance and police got there,both were unhurt,then one of the emts noticed baraks head was on backwards,Barak passed away when the emt turned Baraks head around. bye Barak........
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  #443 (permalink)  
Old 07-11-2008, 09:56 AM
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I'd give 20 to 1 odds that there's not a person that can't relate to this joke - - an oldie but a goodie for sure !

A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.

"How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.

"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."

The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.
The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."

The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."

The preacher said, "I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss."

The little boy looked at him happily and said, "You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya."
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  #444 (permalink)  
Old 07-14-2008, 10:13 AM
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voice activated radio

Friends:

I bought a new Ford F-350 crew cab and returned to the dealer the next
day because I couldn't get the radio to work.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. 'Nelson,'
the salesman said to the radio. The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'
'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the
speakers. Then he said, 'Ray Charles!' and in an instant, 'Georgia On
My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say,
'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
'Beatles, I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck,
but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, 'Idiots!' Immediately
the French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and
Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks,
with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica,
Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax
and Ted Kennedy on Scotch.

I love this truck.




R
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  #445 (permalink)  
Old 07-14-2008, 10:21 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rob Keller
Friends:

I bought a new Ford F-350 crew cab and returned to the dealer the next
day because I couldn't get the radio to work.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. 'Nelson,'
the salesman said to the radio. The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'
'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the
speakers. Then he said, 'Ray Charles!' and in an instant, 'Georgia On
My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say,
'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
'Beatles, I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck,
but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, 'Idiots!' Immediately
the French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and
Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks,
with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica,
Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax
and Ted Kennedy on Scotch.

I love this truck.




R
How did I miss that option when I bought my F350 CC ???
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  #446 (permalink)  
Old 07-14-2008, 11:59 AM
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Oh its on all models .

It requires a delicate touch.

Carefully climb up onto the roof where the GPS antenna is located.

Then Pound on thus antenna with a 16lbs sledge hammer until it starts to work.


JK





R
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  #447 (permalink)  
Old 07-15-2008, 01:29 AM
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A Zulu is walking through the jungle & comes across a pigmy standing over a dead lion.

"Did you kill that lion?" asks the Zulu.

"Yeah, I beat it to death with my club" the pigmy replies.

"Bloody hell, you must have a big club!" says the Zulu

The Pigmy replies:














"Yep, there's about 30 of us!!"
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  #448 (permalink)  
Old 07-15-2008, 12:34 PM
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Two bowling teams, one of all Blonde's and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde's team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blonde's upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blonde's in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, 'What the hecks going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!'

One of the Blonde's looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... 'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!?!'





R
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  #449 (permalink)  
Old 07-16-2008, 11:55 AM
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The wife's not speaking to me because I wouldn't open the car door for her.


It's not my fault....I just panicked & swam to the surface...
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  #450 (permalink)  
Old 07-16-2008, 12:52 PM
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Gone are the good ole days when there was ONLY a drivers side air bag.


Not that anything I own has a air bag


R
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Don't let the bastards grind you down!

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