Air bags go as far back as the backseat driver, don't they

Our troops in Afghanistan prove they've retained their sense of humor with the following.

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF ?". . .

1.You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher,but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your #** with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosivesin your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You've ever uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'

10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

12. You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two /\ $$ es come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two /\ $$ es, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more,

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly.

"In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."

Boudreaux showed up at Mass one Sunday, and the priest almost fell down when he saw him.

Boudreaux had never been seen in church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught Boudreaux and said "Boudreaux, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?" Boudreaux said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced my hat, and I really, really love that hat. I know that Thibodeaux had one just like mine, and I knew that Thibodeaux came to church every Sunday. I also knew that Thibodeaux had to take off his hat during Mass, and I figured he would leave it in the back of church.

So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal Thibodeaux's hat." The priest said, "Well, Boudreaux, I notice that you didn't steal Thibodeaux's hat. What changed your mind?"

Boudreaux said "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments,I decided that I didn't need to steal Thibodeaux's hat." The priest gave Boudreaux a big smile and said "After I talked about "Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?"

Boudreaux shook his head and said "No, Father, after you talked about' Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left my hat."

A teenage boy asked his Grandmother,

"Have you seen my bottle of pills that were labeled LSD?"

The Grandmother replied,

"The heck with your pills, have you seen those Dragons in the kitchen?"

A drunk was in the grocery store buying some more beer,at the checkout counter was a woman buying grocerys, the drunk looked at her and said" i see by what youre buying that youre single" the lady replied " thats amazing how can you look at me ,and decide im single?" the drunk replied " easy, cause youre ugly"

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, Madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Central Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The Mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your...equipment?"

“That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.

"Tripod?" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

“Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action.”

“Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!"

Mother knows everything

Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Peter's flat mate, Joanne, was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flat mate than met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne & I are just flat mates'.

About a week later, Joanne came to Peter saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?

'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Peter.



So he sat down and wrote



DEAR MOTHER,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE. I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.

LOVE PETER



Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read



DEAR SON,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.

LOVE MUM


Lesson of the day,

NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton while visiting a primary school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy". So the illustrious Rev Jackson asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."
No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
I'm afraid not," explains the exalted Reverend Al. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.
Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

I just (re-)stumbled across the following gem from our very own and dearly missed Docvette. Seeing his posting reminds me once again why I try to joke and laugh so much--it just makes you feel better when you make others laugh. So, in the spirit of wit and humor, please enjoy the following from our missing master jokester...



The setup behind this posting was the O.P. in one thread kept using all capital letters in each of his posts, until another member informed him of proper "writing etiquette." Enter Docvette.....





In a while, Chet.

__________________
It's not what you take with you when you leave, it's what you leave behind you when you go.

My Monte Carlo Addicts site

I learned many years ago that it's seemingly never a wise a idea to date a blond. Personal experience speaking here. I dated one, just for one date. That's all I could bear to take. Why, I actually felt my I.Q. drop by double digits as the night went on. Examples you may ask?

Being young and freshly employed, I could only afford to go to McDonalds after a movie. The movie was fine, but when she ordered a Happy Meal (because she had had a rough day and needed a pick-me-up...), I should have turned and ran away. I started the night's conversation out by asking her if she'd read any good books. Boy, was that a mistake. She thought Moby Dick was a venereal disease. Coloring books were more her speed I suppose....

Then the conversation turned to television shows. The date was basically over when she went off about how bad "Leave it to Beaver" was for family viewing. Mainly because she thought it was a half hour long porn sitcom.....


Explains why my wife has dark hair, doesn't it?




In a while, Chet.

__________________
It's not what you take with you when you leave, it's what you leave behind you when you go.

My Monte Carlo Addicts site

A guy walks into a Doctor's office & says:
"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a moth".
The Doctor says:
"You should really go next door & see the Psychiatrist".
The man replies:
"Actually, Doc, I was going to, but I saw your light on..."

A “modern” Islamic couple, preparing for a religious wedding meet with their Mullah for counseling.

The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave. The man asks “We realize it’s tradition in Islam for men to dance with men and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we’d like your permission to dance together.”

“Absolutely not” says the Mullah. “It’s immoral. Men and women always dance separately.”
“So after the ceremony I can’t even dance with my own wife?” says the man.
“No” answered the Mullah, “It’s forbidden in Islam“.
“Well, okay” says the man, “What about sex? Can we finally have sex?”
“Of course!” replies the Mullah, “Allah ho Akber! Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!”
“What about different positions?” asks the man.
“Allah ho Akber! No problem” says the Mullah.
“Woman on top?” the man asks. “Sure” says the Mullah. “Allah ho Akber. Go for it!”
“Doggy style?”
“Sure! Allah ho Akber!”
“On the kitchen table?”
“Yes, yes! Allah ho Akber!”
“Can I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?”
“You may indeed. Allah ho Akber!”
“Can we do it standing up?”
“No” says the Mullah.
“Why not?” asks the man.




“Because that could lead to dancing!!“

Actually, I've been married to a blonde for 30+ yrs.They are actually pretty astute,like the time she saw right through my little fake my own death trick.

tom