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  #466 (permalink)  
Old 08-05-2008, 10:30 AM
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So, I was on my way to the pub last Sunday lunchtime, when I saw this bloke Mickey walkin' along the other side of the road. Now, Mickey's got a real bad stutter & don't get me wrong, I love him to bits, but 'aving a conversation with him is a nightmare. I tried to pretend I hadn't seen him, but he's copped me havin' a look & shouted across at me.
Anyway, we park our bums on a bench & get talkin'.

Me: "So, Mickey, how's tricks?"
Mickey: "Oh, n-n-n-n-not s-so bad..."
Me: "You still seein' that ol' bloom from Camden?"
Mickey: "Er...n-n-n-n-no, unf-f-f-ortunately".
Me: "But you was real good together. What 'appened there, then?"
Mickey: "W-w-w-well, we w-was h-h-h-havin' a p-p-p-picnic in the p-p-p-park one d-day, wh-wh-wh-when I saw this d-d-d-dog s-s-s-scratchin' its back. S-s-s-so I said 'M-M-M-Mary, wh-wh-wh-when w-w-w-we're m-m-m-m-married, y-y-y-y-y-y-you c-c-can d-do that to m-me. B-b-b-b-but b-b-b-by the t-t-t-t-time I s-s-said it, it w-was l-l-l-l-lickin' its butt!"

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  #467 (permalink)  
Old 08-06-2008, 05:02 PM
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Mick met Paddy in the street and said, 'Paddy, will you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in future?'

'Why?' Paddy asked.

'Because,' said Mick, 'All the street was laughing when they saw you making love yesterday.'

Paddy said, 'Silly buggers, the laugh's on them. I wasn't home yesterday...'
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  #468 (permalink)  
Old 08-07-2008, 08:52 AM
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The Cowboy Boots

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why.
Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn'tyou say so?', like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said,'They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'
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  #469 (permalink)  
Old 08-07-2008, 03:20 PM
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A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.


"Mom, are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.
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  #470 (permalink)  
Old 08-08-2008, 08:01 AM
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A woman went into a bar in Texas and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table.

He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen, so she asked him if it was true what they said about men with big feet being well endowed.

The cowboy grinned and said, 'Sure is, li'l lady.

Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?'

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, 'Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me for mah services before'

'Don't be flattered,' she said.

'Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.'
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  #471 (permalink)  
Old 08-09-2008, 08:59 PM
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A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy ????! That must be my husband!'

So the guy quickly jumped out of the bed, scared and naked he jumped out the window like a crazy man.

He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush, then started to run as fast as he could to his car.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman 'I AM your husband, you ????!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah??? Then why were you running....you Son of a ?????? !!!'

And that folks............is how the fight started.
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  #472 (permalink)  
Old 08-12-2008, 06:51 AM
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Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana, while awaiting their respective flights.

One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East .

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around and the old windsock is flapping, but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few".

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few", he sneers, "And now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson, says in a smooth drawl:

"That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'!!!"
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  #473 (permalink)  
Old 08-12-2008, 01:55 PM
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Just think about this a minute or so !!!

THE EXECUTIVE SUMMARY




I know that some of you don't like to read long drawn out missives... so here's the executive summary.........

John McCain



Congress: 26 Years Military: 22 Years



Barrack Obama



Congress: 143 Days Military: 0 Days



Just think how great a professional of any kind you could be with only 143 days of experience!!!



People want change so badly? . . . . maybe we should lower the experience requirement for doctors, lawyers, airline pilots, etc. This would cause some change!



Obama's 143 Days of Senate Experience: Just how much Senate experience does Barack Obama have in terms of actual work days? Not much.



From the time Barack Obama was sworn in as a United States Senator, to the time he announced he was forming a Presidential exploratory Committee, he logged 143 days of experience in the Senate.



That's how many days the Senate was actually in session and working.



The one single Senate committee that he headed never even met -- once.



After 143 days of work experience, Obama believed he was ready to be Commander In Chief, Leader of the Free World, and fill the shoes of Abraham Lincoln, FDR, JFK and Ronald Reagan.



Think about it......143 days -- 20.4 weeks -- 4.7 months



Our children spend more time in pre-school getting ready for kindergarten.
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  #474 (permalink)  
Old 08-13-2008, 04:13 PM
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The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, ' did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea.'

And the lawyer says,

'So...if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?'
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  #475 (permalink)  
Old 08-27-2008, 10:35 AM
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Barrak Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water.

He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disneyland ' Barak said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on my special Senator's airplane.

The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes. Barak said, 'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!'

The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!'

Barak was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like you're handicapped.'

The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out that I saved you from drowning!'
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  #476 (permalink)  
Old 08-29-2008, 02:42 AM
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Johnny says to his teacher..."Miss, I don't mean to frighten you, but Dad says if I don't get a good report card this year, somebody will be in serious trouble"
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Old 08-29-2008, 02:54 AM
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Mary decides to consult a diet doctor.
'What's the most you have ever weighed?' he asks her.
"Two hundred and ninety pounds."
"And the least?"
"Seven pound eleven"
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  #478 (permalink)  
Old 09-02-2008, 08:13 AM
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A poor vagabond, traveling a country road in England, tired and hungry,
came to a roadside inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He
knocked.

The innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some
victuals?" he asked. The woman glanced at his shabby clothes and
obviously poor condition. "No!" she said rather sternly.

"Could I have a pint of ale?" "No!" she said again.

"Could I at least sleep in your stable?" "No!" By this time, she was
fairly shouting.

The vagabond said, "Might I please...?" "What now?" the woman
interrupted impatiently.

"D'ye suppose," he asked, "I might have a word with George?"
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  #479 (permalink)  
Old 09-02-2008, 07:00 PM
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A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country, and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring, "Run....run!" The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"

A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"

The next batter holds his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk. The Scotsman stands up yelling: "R-r-run ya Bahstard, r-r-run!"

All the surrounding fans chuckle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he got four balls."

The Scotsman yells even louder, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!"
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  #480 (permalink)  
Old 09-03-2008, 08:05 AM
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BREAKING NEWS FROM ALABAMA!!!!!
All of the Wal-Marts across Alabama sold out of ammunition as of yesterday. A reliable source said that one of the purchasers commented that while Russia may have invaded Georgia, they sure as hell ain't doin' it to Alabama.
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