HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a 3-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Circumference.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.

A thief fell & broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft & I'll show you A-flat miner.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

Dave W

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and slapped her right off her chair.

I just stumbled across another previously posted gem from 2004, but it's well worth the read....

http://www.hotrodders.com/forum/radio-phone-34436.html


In a while, Chet.

__________________
It's not what you take with you when you leave, it's what you leave behind you when you go.

Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated.

"I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was long gone.

Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape.

Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity.

"Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma.

Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him.

"Go see if that was a duck, will you?"

Watch out for us retired folks!

The next time someone asks you a dumb question wouldn't you like to respond like this?

Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Bisquit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's *** and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.




Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

Dave W - (a retired person )

PRESS RELEASE:

Prime Minister of Canada to Visit Washington Statement by the Press Secretary

President Bush and Prime Minister John Chretien of Canada met on Sept. 24th with the Canadian Leader strongly supporting the war on terrorism. Prime Minister Chretien issued the following statement:

CANADIANS WILL HELP AMERICA WITH THE WAR ON TERRORISM!

WE HAVE PLEDGED:
- 2 BATTLE SHIPS,
- 600 GROUND TROOPS,
- 6 FIGHTER JETS.

AFTER THE AMERICAN EXCHANGE RATE, THEY WILL END UP WITH:
- 2 CANOES,
- 6 MOUNTIES,
- AND A BUNCH OF FLYING SQUIRRELS

LMAO - - there are several - NO - many members here that can enjoy this one !
__________________________________________________ __
Hurricane Education: What I've learned during our last hurricane . . .

1. Coffee and frozen pizzas can be made on a BBQ grill.

2. No matter how many times you flick the switch, lights don't work without electricity.

3. My car gets 23.21675 miles per gallon, EXACTLY
(you can ask the people in line who helped me push it).

4. Kids can survive 4 days or longer without a video game controller in their hand.

5. Cats are even more irritating without power.

6. He who has the biggest generator wins.

7. Women can actually survive without doing their hair- you just wish they weren't around you.

8. A new method of non-lethal torture- showers without hot water.

9. There are a lot more stars in the sky than most people thought.

10. TV is an addiction and the withdrawal symptoms are painful.

11. A 7 lb bag of ice will chill 6-12 oz Budweiser's to a drinkable temperature in 11 minutes, and still keep a 14 lb. turkey frozen for 8 more hours.

12. There are a lot of dang trees around here.

13. Flood plane drawings on some mortgage documents were seriously wrong..

14. Aluminum siding, while aesthetically pleasing, is definitely not required.

15. Crickets can increase their volume to overcome the sound of 14 generators.

16. People will get into a line that has already formed without having any idea what the line is for.

17. When required, a Lincoln Continental will float, doesn't steer well but floats just the same.

18. Tele-marketers function no matter what the weather is doing.

19. Cell phones work when land lines are down, but only as long as the battery remains charged.

20. A portion of your nieghborhood (27 houses to be exact) are fed from a different transformer than you, and they are quick to make sure you know this!

21. Hampers were not made to contain such a volume.

22. If my store sold only ice, chainsaws, gas and generators... I'd be rich.

23. Price of a can of soup rises 200% in a storm.

24. Your water front property can quickly become someone else's fishing hole.

25. Tree service companies are under appreciated.

26. I learned what happens when you make fun of another states' blackout.

27. MATH 101:
30 days in month, minus 6 days without power equals 30% higher electric bill ?????

28. Drywall is a compound word, take away the "dry" part and it's worthless.

29. I can walk a lot farther than I thought.

The Court of Judge Judy. This has to be the quote of the decade:

Judge to prostitute, "So when did you realize you were raped?"

Prostitute, wiping away tears: "When the check bounced."


Cue drummer's snare rim-shot. Badda boom bing.

What did the blond say when she opened a box of Cheerio's?


"Oh look, doughnut seeds....."


In a while, Chet.

__________________
It's not what you take with you when you leave, it's what you leave behind you when you go.

The Harley-Davidson Facts



The inventor of the Harley-Davidson
motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and
went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur.
'Since you've been such a good man and
your motorcycles?
have changed the world, your reward is,
you can hang out with anyone you want to
in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and
then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room,
and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented,
'Okay, so you were the one who invented
the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?



Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal
in inventing something that's pretty
unstable, makes noise?
and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally
spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the
inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to
professional, you have some major design
flaws in your invention !
1. There's too much inconsistency in the
front-end suspension?

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds


3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble
about too much




4. The intake is placed way too close to
the exhaust!!


5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!





'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points
there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer,
typed in a few words and waited for the
results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper
and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is
flawed,' God said to Arthur,

'but according to these numbers, more men
are riding my invention than yours'.?

Barak the Chicken (Rooster)

Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, to fertilise the pullets' eggs.

Trevor kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favourite rooster was Barak , and a very fine specimen he was too, but on this particular morning Trevor noticed Barak 's bell hadn't rung at all!

Trevor went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover but to farmer Trevor's amazement, Barak had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Trevor was so proud of Barak , he entered him into the Ohio A & P and Barak became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The Result?

The judges not only awarded Barak the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly Barak was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Do you know a Pullitician called Barak ?...

'Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the
villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers seeing that
there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going
back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of
monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone
catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each!
However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant
would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. 'Look
at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has already collected. I
will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you
can sell them to him for $50 each.' The villagers rounded up with all their
savings and bought all the monkeys.
Then they never saw the man nor his assistant again, only lots and
lots of monkeys! Now you have a better understanding of how the stock
market works.'
Story is not finished yet.

...Villagers went to the city and asked the man, why he disappeared.
Man told them that he lost all the money and cannot buy more monkeys.
Villagers collected some money from surrounding villages to help that man
so he can continue his business of buying monkeys. Now you have a better
understanding of how bailout works.

"Time for Some Campaigning" - it has sound and really isn't objectionable to either side:

http://www.peteyandpetunia.com/VoteHere/VoteHere.htm

Now that, MY FRIENDS, was FUNNY !

(and bi-partisan also )

Yup, that thar is funny stuff . I like the no cigar part