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  #496 (permalink)  
Old 10-13-2008, 09:13 PM
70 ElCam's Avatar
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Bar Stool Economics

Our Tax System Explained:

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do.

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. 'Since you are all such good customers,' he said, 'I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20.' Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free.

But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?' They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should p ay.

And so:
The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.

'I only got a dollar out of the $20,'declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man,' but he got $10!'
'Yeah, that's right,” exclaimed the fifth man. 'I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I got'
'That's true!!' shouted the seventh man. 'Why should he get $10 back when I got
only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!'
'Wait a minute,' yelled the first four men in unison. 'We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!'

The nine men surrounded the ten th and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough m oney between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, ladies and gentlemen, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.
Professor of Economics
University of Georgia

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Last edited by 70 ElCam; 10-16-2008 at 10:05 PM.
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  #497 (permalink)  
Old 10-16-2008, 03:22 PM
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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.... So I took her to a gas station....

And then the fight started....

************************************************** *******

After retiring, I went to the Social Security Office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my drivers license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said 'unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said 'that silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me', and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security Office.

She said 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'.

And then the fight started....

************************************************** *******

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my High School Reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes', I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took up drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since'.

'MY GOD!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started....





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  #498 (permalink)  
Old 10-16-2008, 08:39 PM
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Turner Brown

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this
HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down, and says: '7
feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner
Brown.'

The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and
brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says: 'What's wrong with You?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'

The big dude says: 'I saw your look and figured I'd just give you the
answers to the questions everyone always asks. I'm 7 feet tall. I weigh
350 pounds. I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each,
and my name is Turner Brown.'

The small guy says: 'Turner Brown. Sweet Jesus, I thought you said,
'Turn around.'
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  #499 (permalink)  
Old 10-17-2008, 07:24 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently t rying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down at the bed sheets in amazement, replied: "I think I just beat the **** out of a ghost."

Happy Halloween
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  #500 (permalink)  
Old 10-17-2008, 10:33 AM
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On-Line Dating . . .
---
We regret that your application to join our online dating agency has
been rejected.

One of the questions was: 'What do you like most in a woman?'

'My willy' is not considered an appropriate answer.
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  #501 (permalink)  
Old 10-18-2008, 07:44 PM
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A little more political humor....

Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't.




There's one thing the Democrats and Republicans share in common: Our money.




...Veni, Vedi, Clinti--I came, I saw, I lied.




A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with 'Once Upon A Time'?"

He replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If elected I promise'."



In a while, Chet.
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  #502 (permalink)  
Old 10-20-2008, 04:40 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Young Chuck in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already'

Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead horse!'

Chuck said, 'Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell any body he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead horse?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck grew up and works now for the government. He was the one who figured out how to "bail us out".
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  #503 (permalink)  
Old 10-21-2008, 09:30 PM
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: Hot & Cold Sex






After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to
ask me about?'

'In fact, I do,' said the old man. 'After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second
time, I am usually hot and sweaty.'

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like
to discuss with me?'

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex
with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?'

'Oh that crazy old fart,' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August.'
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  #504 (permalink)  
Old 10-22-2008, 03:38 PM
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One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'.

Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!"

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded , SO...

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.
"What the Hell is this?" he said to himself as
a little "dust cloud "appeared when he shook them out.

"April", he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put
Talcum Powder in my underwear?"

She replied with a snicker. "It's not talcum powder; it's
'Miracle Grow'!!!!!!




R
__________________
"SlowRide66"

"Illegitimis non carborundum"
Don't let the bastards grind you down!

Crankshaft Coalition Master List of Hotrodding Forums
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  #505 (permalink)  
Old 10-22-2008, 09:32 PM
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My 2 cents worth
 
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WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the
fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a
high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt
divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids
were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was
then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son
with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the
other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable
throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in
a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently
returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct
them. For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack
Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in
an intellectual way.



Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
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  #506 (permalink)  
Old 10-22-2008, 09:39 PM
70 ElCam's Avatar
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Boudreaux at it again

Boudreaux walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100
dollars?

"Get outa here pshyco!.." she replies, and keeps walking.

He turns, runs around the block and gets to the next corner before
she does. "Would you please let me bite your breasts for $1,000
dollars?" he asks again.

"Listen nut case, get away from me or I'm calling the cops!.."

So Boudreaux un-detered, runs around the next block and faces her
again.
"Would you let me bite your breasts, just once for $10,000 dollars?"

Just as she starts to call the cops, She thinks to herself, $10,000
dollars, huh!.... and decides!..

Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the
most beautiful breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, his mouth

begins to salivate, he starts caressing them, gently fondling them,
kissing and licking them, but not biting them.

The woman gets annoyed and asks, "Well!.. Are you gonna bite them or
not?"

"Nah".. says Boudreaux, "Costs too much!.."
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  #507 (permalink)  
Old 10-25-2008, 08:45 AM
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Okay, everyone is always telling Boudreaux and Thibodeaux jokes, implying that coonazzes aren't smart, but anybody who would build a city 10 feet below sea level in a hurricane zone and fill it with Democrats - - - is a Genius !
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  #508 (permalink)  
Old 10-25-2008, 11:07 AM
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Whats the difference between a Wallstreet investment banker and a Pigeon?














A pigeon can still make a deposit on a brand new BMW.
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  #509 (permalink)  
Old 10-26-2008, 12:30 PM
70 ElCam's Avatar
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wretched ratchet
Okay, everyone is always telling Boudreaux and Thibodeaux jokes, implying that coonazzes aren't smart, but anybody who would build a city 10 feet below sea level in a hurricane zone and fill it with Democrats - - - is a Genius !

Wrong. All those Democrats are just leaching in other peoples back yards now .
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  #510 (permalink)  
Old 10-28-2008, 06:33 AM
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(this could probably qualify as a redneck joke, also)

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, “How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?”

He got the following reply. “Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.

My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother.

Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy’s brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy’s wife.

So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle.

As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother’s mother. Don’t forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter.

Remember, too, that I am my wife’s grandson. But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I’m married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife’s grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather.

Now can you understand how I got put in this place?”

After staring blankly with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: “Move over!”
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